DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in an apartment with four girls, and we had a birthday party for one of them. Each of us invited our own friends, and some of them came very early. The party was set to start at 9:30 or 10 p.m., and people arrived at 7:30 or 8!

I began to drink early, and by the time 11 p.m. rolled around, I was pretty much done for the night. I had seen a few of my friends, and they had left, so I left with a guy for a while, just to be with people I knew.

I forgot to take my phone, and apparently when I came back (an hour later), a few of my friends had stopped by. I feel awful, because I don't know which friends came by, and I haven't talked to anyone since.

I just found out that people were trying to find me that night, and I didn't even realize I was missed! I thought it would be OK to step out (because I was a bit drunk), but I wasn't there to greet my guests who I had invited!

What can I do now? I don't want to call every single person I invited and ask: "Were you at my apt party last weekend? I was gone and don't know if you came!!" Please let me know what I can do!

GENTLE READER: "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" is not Miss Manners' idea of an attractive excuse. Yet it is preferable to the deliberate decision to leave a party one hour after the time for which one has invited guests.

Presumably you know whom you invited to the party. Want to or not, you should call them and apologize, without whatever self-blame and self-derogatory humor you can muster.

Some will reply, "That's OK, I didn't get there anyway," in which case you can console yourself that they, too, were either drunk or rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was having dinner at a restaurant with my husband in the city in which we moved from about five years ago and excused myself to the ladies room. On the way there, I ran into a former co-worker whom I hadn't seen since I moved.

Of course, I said hello and that it was good to see her.

She then followed me into the ladies room (she had been on her way out) and kept talking to me about the happenings at my former place of employment.

I listened politely but felt a little strange about having a somewhat long conversation in the ladies room and wasn't sure how to put an end to the conversation. It seems fairly obvious why one goes to the ladies room, but she didn't seem to get the hint. So I just kept standing there listening, until she finally said that she had to get back to her table.

Should I have said something to end the conversation sooner? If so, what?

GENTLE READER: "I'm afraid you'll have to excuse me." Granted that this person seems oblivious to the situation, Miss Manners is confident that with a little effort, she will be able to figure out why you disappeared into a booth.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does marriage mandate that mail addressed to one be read by the other? I recently discovered that a long-term platonic correspondence I had been having with a man was made available to his wife, without my knowledge or permission. It has destroyed not only the trust but the contact, which had been a treasured one.

Am I incorrect in believing that letters sealed in envelopes are far different from e-mails? That they are, in a way, sacred, and meant solely for the eyes of the addressee? This is a source of sorrow and, indeed, betrayal to me.

GENTLE READER: Resisting the temptation to inquire what was in those letters is such a mighty effort that you will have to allow Miss Manners a moment to recover.

Thank you.

Marriage is no excuse for opening other people's mail, or even for insisting that it be shown. However, it is an excuse for blabbing. Wait -- make that sharing. It is never safe to assume that something sent or told to one spouse will be kept secret from the other.

If the wife opened your letters, the gentleman has a marital problem. If he merely felt like showing them to her, he may just have a good marriage.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have found myself wishing that we could go back to the 18th century rituals of grieving where we can wear black and people are cautious about approaching the mourner. Today is my birthday and my first wedding anniversary. However, two weeks ago to the date, my mother passed away suddenly. My family and I are still in shock for the most part and grieving.

My goal was to just quietly get through my birthday and have a quiet celebration for my anniversary with just my husband. I had thought about sharing my wishes with my friends but thought it would be rude to bring up my wishes for my birthday/anniversary.

As I was accosted this morning by celebratory well wishers, I was wishing I had been rude. Instead, I politely stated that although I appreciate their thoughts, this is a difficult time for me and that my husband and I have chosen not to celebrate at this time. I then get all the lectures about how it is still my birthday no matter what has happened and I should be celebrating.

I now have some people mad at me because I just can't get into the celebratory spirit. How should I have handled this situation to suit me and the happy well wishers?

GENTLE READER: If we were going to turn back the calendar, Miss Manners would like to go back to the days before amateur therapy was thrust on the unwary. It has been the excuse for much callousness preposterously posing as compassion.

Most, but not all, of the trappings of formal mourning are gone. If you wear only black, some people may back off (although others may assume you are going to a wedding). What you can certainly do is to say firmly, "I'm sorry and I appreciate your intentions, but I am in mourning. It will be a while before I can enjoy parties again."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: From the row in back of me on a flight I took yesterday, I overheard ?a man say, to the two young women sitting there, "Hi! My name's ?Frank, what are your names?" After a noticeable pause, the two women ?answered with their first names. I would not have wanted to give my name under the circumstances but couldn't think of a polite way, if ?I'd been the one asked, to decline to do so. How can you turn a guy ?like this off?

GENTLE READER: By whispering, "I'm traveling incognito. Please don't give me away. Pretend you don't know me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted a home-decor party at my home and invited the women (my peers) from my office. They arrived, drank coffee, ate cake, purchased a few items and left, en masse, an hour later. I thought the party had gone quite well, everyone was polite, they liked the cake I baked, and the meager sales were OK by me; the saleswoman who made the presentation still let me have a hostess gift.

After my guests left, I went over the sales with the saleswoman, helped her pack up her wares and waved good bye as she went to her next party. I then picked up cups and saucers, washed them, washed the coffee pot, wrapped the leftover cake, and put the living room back in order. When I looked at the clock I realized I should now check my mail.

I live in a condominium, and all the mailboxes are clustered together in the main parking lot, which is nearly a half block from my residence. I walked there and found my guests standing around visiting among themselves. I thought maybe someone had car trouble and inquired, but no, that was not the case. I then invited them back to my home to visit but the excuses poured out as each said something to the effect of "Oh, no ... I should have been someplace else long ago," etc. I gathered my mail and they got into their cars and left.

My party was over for at least 45 minutes before I went to check my mail. I felt awkward and they looked embarrassed when they saw me. Nothing more was said, but I feel slighted. Why would they rather visit standing on an asphalt parking lot rather than continue their visit at my home? The party was on a Saturday, so none of us had to dash off to work. I'm sorry they looked so uncomfortable when they saw me approach, but what else could I do?

GENTLE READER: You can all stop being embarrassed. Party guests who leave together may well keep chatting as they go to the parking lot and find that they have hit on a topic that keeps them there conversing.

If you are now thoroughly at ease, Miss Manners can't help administering a slight jolt. Maybe the party was not as gratifying to your guests as it was to you, with your "hostess gift." Is it possible that the presence of a salesperson constrained their talk, or that the sales pitches discouraged conversation? A sales event is not, strictly speaking, a party. Your colleagues attended, despite what turned out to be a lack of enthusiasm for the product, and you cannot expect more from them than that.

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