DEAR MISS MANNERS: From the row in back of me on a flight I took yesterday, I overheard ?a man say, to the two young women sitting there, "Hi! My name's ?Frank, what are your names?" After a noticeable pause, the two women ?answered with their first names. I would not have wanted to give my name under the circumstances but couldn't think of a polite way, if ?I'd been the one asked, to decline to do so. How can you turn a guy ?like this off?

GENTLE READER: By whispering, "I'm traveling incognito. Please don't give me away. Pretend you don't know me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted a home-decor party at my home and invited the women (my peers) from my office. They arrived, drank coffee, ate cake, purchased a few items and left, en masse, an hour later. I thought the party had gone quite well, everyone was polite, they liked the cake I baked, and the meager sales were OK by me; the saleswoman who made the presentation still let me have a hostess gift.

After my guests left, I went over the sales with the saleswoman, helped her pack up her wares and waved good bye as she went to her next party. I then picked up cups and saucers, washed them, washed the coffee pot, wrapped the leftover cake, and put the living room back in order. When I looked at the clock I realized I should now check my mail.

I live in a condominium, and all the mailboxes are clustered together in the main parking lot, which is nearly a half block from my residence. I walked there and found my guests standing around visiting among themselves. I thought maybe someone had car trouble and inquired, but no, that was not the case. I then invited them back to my home to visit but the excuses poured out as each said something to the effect of "Oh, no ... I should have been someplace else long ago," etc. I gathered my mail and they got into their cars and left.

My party was over for at least 45 minutes before I went to check my mail. I felt awkward and they looked embarrassed when they saw me. Nothing more was said, but I feel slighted. Why would they rather visit standing on an asphalt parking lot rather than continue their visit at my home? The party was on a Saturday, so none of us had to dash off to work. I'm sorry they looked so uncomfortable when they saw me approach, but what else could I do?

GENTLE READER: You can all stop being embarrassed. Party guests who leave together may well keep chatting as they go to the parking lot and find that they have hit on a topic that keeps them there conversing.

If you are now thoroughly at ease, Miss Manners can't help administering a slight jolt. Maybe the party was not as gratifying to your guests as it was to you, with your "hostess gift." Is it possible that the presence of a salesperson constrained their talk, or that the sales pitches discouraged conversation? A sales event is not, strictly speaking, a party. Your colleagues attended, despite what turned out to be a lack of enthusiasm for the product, and you cannot expect more from them than that.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I agree that the marrying age is increasing and that often brides and grooms are more independent, but the bride's parents are still responsible for the wedding. Parents have two or three decades to notice that they have a daughter, and to realize that someday she will probably marry. Saving for a wedding should be a priority, and a wedding should not take the bride's parents by surprise.

It seems that parents often dismiss this responsibility, as some dismiss their responsibility to plan for their children's college education. This is consistent with our self-centered society.

If parents have to go into debt to pay for their daughter's wedding, then shame on them for not planning ahead. Yes, the costs should be reasonable, and the bride and groom can contribute their own funds if they want something extravagant, but $10,000 to $20,000 is not extravagant for a middle to upper-middle class family in this culture. Think of it as a wedding gift from the parents instead of the dowry that was required from the parents in past centuries.

GENTLE READER: You're joking, right? Surely the complaint about "our self-centered society" was the tip-off. Please tell Miss Manners -- and more importantly, your parents -- that you are joking.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to say "maybe" to an invitation? I have difficulty with that, so I sometimes say, "I'll see." I never thought of this as rude. I personally need to be in the moment, mostly. How do I know how I'll feel next Thursday? Sometimes I just don't have the energy to go out. I'm 55 with some health issues I don't care to discuss with everyone. Is this rude?

GENTLE READER: What is rude is that the only feelings you have taken into account are your own. That is practically the definition of being rude.

What about the feelings of people who are kind enough to extend invitations? For that matter, what about their schedules? Should they hold themselves committed and prepared to receive you until the last moment?

Hedging would allow you to live in the moment, but it would put them into suspension, unable to count on you or to replace you with another guest.

You did plead ill health, however, and Miss Manners, who is not a monster, admits that this trumps social obligations. If you have a genuine last-minute emergency, you can cancel with a specific excuse and a profuse apology.

But a chronic state that makes it likely that you will not feel like attending is unfortunately an ongoing limitation. To show consideration of your hosts, you would have to decline anything for which your absence would be conspicuous (not to mention costly) -- dinner parties, theater dates and such.

Even for more flexible events, "maybe" is not a polite choice. What you can do is to throw in a point of negotiation when you decline: "Oh, I'd love to, but I've been somewhat overtaxed, and I don't dare accept in case I won't be able to make it."

Some hosts may tell you to come if you feel up to it. Silence, or "Oh, too bad" means your refusal stands.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-wife can be counted on to call at inconvenient times. I have been trying to settle on the appropriate way to handle this, specifically when I might be on a date.

We have a son, so obviously, it's not so simple a matter of telling her to never call again. Should she need to reach me, she should -- but in the course of the past few years, she has never NEEDED to get a hold of me when she called.

Do I ignore it and let her leave a message? Call back at a point in the date where perhaps we're (my date and I) taking a moment to freshen up?

Is it even appropriate to LOOK at the cell phone to see whose calling? Should I leave the ringer off and check it periodically when it is unobtrusive to my date?

I guess I am ultimately looking for a proper -- and defensible -- way to approach this.

GENTLE READER: Far be it from Miss Manners to suggest that your former wife has devised a clever way to encourage you to be rude to other ladies.

But the specter of an emergency seems to have been invoked so successfully that you are behaving as if a moment's inattention would endanger your son's life. Meanwhile, the inattention to ladies you are escorting will endanger your social life.

Of course you want to be notified if something is wrong with your son, but telephones are now clever enough to take messages. You might keep in mind that the parent who knows about an emergency first would naturally be first on the spot to attend to it.

If you allow your telephone to ring or visibly check it for messages, the lady with you will rightly conclude that you are rude. If you constantly run off to freshen up or even admit to needing constant proof that an emergency has not occurred, she will conclude that you are nuts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I reply to people who ask me to guess how old they are?

GENTLE READER: Four.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would love to serve napoleons as dessert. However, I have never been able to determine how one eats this delectable dessert and still maintains a certain amount of decorum on the dessert plate. Any attempt results in the filling being pressed outward and the hard frosting creating shards that end up off of the plate.

GENTLE READER: So should you aim the ends at your dinner partners or your own lap if you slam down on the middle and the filling spurts out the sides?

Miss Manners hopes that is not the question. Fortunately for everyone concerned, a proper dessert service consists of both a fork and a spoon. Perforate it in the middle using the tines of your fork, then cut it with side of the fork and use the spoon to shield everyone from flying parts.

: