DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a a performance of "The Nutcracker" my husband and I attended, there were lots of little kids -- sisters all decked out in matching dresses, little boys in suits and ties.

We were seated by a woman about my age (old) who was with a couple of teenaged girls. A young couple was seated behind us with a little boy, perhaps 2 years old, who said a few words during the performance. He asked, "What's that?" when Clara received the nutcracker and when Herr Drosselmeyer climbed up behind the clock and spread his cape like a vampire, the little boy said, "Oh, oh!"

The woman beside me turned around and said, "SSSHHHH, please."

By and large, the child was quiet, but every now and then he'd say something and his mother would whisper, "No talking -- remember?"

Well, the woman beside me became more and more annoyed. She began to put her hand up over her eyes as if the child were giving her a headache and before the second act began, when the little boy made some noise, she turned to his mother and said, "Please take him out of here. We can't even hear the music. He's much too young to be here." The young couple took the little boy and left.

On the way home, my husband said he thought the woman was out of line. He said the little boy kicked the back of his seat a few times (he kicked mine, too), but it wasn't that bad. He asked me, "Why didn't you say to her, 'Are you always such a b - - - -, or only at Christmas?'"

There were several children on the other side of the theater who were making quite a racket. I don't know what the woman beside me would have done had she been seated over there, but I think 2 p.m. Nutcracker performances are the province of children, and if you want austere quiet, you'd better go to an evening performance.

Should I have said anything to the woman? If so, what?

GENTLE READER: Nothing you hear from your husband. Miss Manners did not care for the sample he supplied of how to encourage politeness.

Everyone here seems to have a lot to learn. Children have to be stopped from kicking seats, and adults have to be stopped from beating up on children and on one another.

The former is done by teaching children the manners of such an event before taking them and quietly reminding on the spot, as the mother was in fact doing (although she should also have been restraining the kicking). Some leeway should be allowed at child-oriented events, Miss Manners agrees, although she does not make the distinction you do between matinee and evening performances.

Restraining adults, such as your neighbor, seems to be more difficult. Concert halls and opera houses are packed with belligerent people who disdain complaining politely (with a regretful and sympathetic look) and get right down to insult and violence. Is there something about classical music that inspires this?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We exchange gifts with one of my closest relatives, and on the attached gift tags from her family to me, my children and husband, they put "from" their whole family (she, her husband and daughter) and the dog.

I am offended that this seems to place the same value on each of my children as their dog. Am I wrong to be sensitive to this? Should I address this somehow? If so, how?

GENTLE READER: Your relatives' dog probably lives at the same address as they do. However, you need address only the lady when writing, if you ask her to extend your thanks to her family.

That this includes the dog should make him equivalent to their daughter, not your children, although it does make your family more distantly related to him. Miss Manners reminds you that having a primitive relative of one sort or another is a common problem most families learn to accept.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our company head office has sent us money to have a luncheon on Christmas Eve. Because it is not very much money, two of us in management have decided it would be cheaper to buy cold cuts and buns. We would make up meat trays ourselves.

When this was announced at a staff meeting, one employee spoke up in front of everyone and said, "No offense, but I don't know where your hands have been."

I am very offended by this, especially since she is probably not the cleanest person. She sees nothing wrong with what she said and won't let up on the subject. I told her I was offended by what she said but she says that is the way she feels, and she sees nothing wrong with it. I think this was a very rude and ignorant thing to say.

I could stoop to her level and tell her, her breath stinks all the time and she sometimes smells like urine. But I happen to care about people's feelings. Guess what I need is a good comment to put her in her place. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: "Of course we plan to wash our hands and wear plastic gloves. But thank you for the reminder."

Oops, sorry to disappoint you. But although you said you wanted to put this employee in her place, you also said that you did not want to place yourself at her level. You specificially said that you care about people's feelings.

Oh -- not that much?

Well, all right. Miss Manners agrees that nothing good ever follows the phrase "No offense, but ..." She will allow you to say quietly, "I'm afraid that I am offended that you thought we might risk your health with unsanitary conditions."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I obliged to reply to all Christmas cards that I receive?

I am speaking not of a business-style card but a personal Christmas card from a mere acquaintance. I've been trying to drop her for years but it's not working.

I'm faced with the dilemma of having been so nice and polite to her in the past that she thinks I actually LIKE her, and since no one else does and practically runs when she approaches, I seem to have given her the impression that we are bosom buddies.

I send cards to my friends and family, and make sure that I respond to any cards I receive, but I just don't WANT to acknowledge hers. When is enough enough? And how do I politely respond when she pins me in a conversational corner next spring by bellowing, "WELL? Where's my Christmas Card? I sent YOU one!"

GENTLE READER: Christmas card lists do have to be pruned occasionally, or we would have to start turning the Christmas trees into pulp. It takes a minimum of two years before the other person makes a corresponding trim, sometimes with relief.

Should this person press the matter in the rude way you fear, your answer should be, "Oh, I'm sending fewer cards now, but thank you for yours."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do many people send Christmas cards out in hopes of receiving Christmas tips in return?

Sure there are charities that send more mail at this time in a Christmas card format, but it just seems too much when all of a sudden our delivery man gives us his home address or other people send cold Christmas cards with no personal feeling -- no signature, no writing. Are we supposed to return the card with a Christmas check?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners enjoys thinking that you are being served by warm-hearted people who are emotionally overcome at Christmas time by the human bond they feel with you, but perhaps are too shy to sign their names. What she knows for certain is that they will not be insulted if you respond with your own card, with your signature accompanied by a tangible sign of your appreciation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This will be the first time in nearly 20 years that my sister and I will be spending Christmas in our childhood home with our parents. She is divorced with two teenage daughters, and she recently announced she also is bringing a new boyfriend with her to our celebration.

My parents and I are planning to be cordial and welcoming, but we are not thrilled that she is allowing this man -- who I've briefly met once and my parents never have -- to "crash" our rare family gathering. (FYI, my sister did NOT ask my parents in advance.) After all, my parents and I were looking forward to a "family" Christmas. We were all a little stunned by my sister's actions, partly because she's bringing a strange man into the house and sleeping arrangements for family members are already tight.

Is my sister being inconsiderate, or am I just over-reacting? Are my parents and I now obligated to give Christmas gifts to this stranger just because he will be with us on the holiday?

After all, because we don't really know him, we wouldn't normally give him gifts. We don't want to make him feel overlooked, but we are uncomfortable giving gifts out of obligation rather than sincerity. Please help!

GENTLE READER: If you mean that you have no sincere desire to be hospitable at Christmas time to someone who is important to your sister, Miss Manners advises you to conceal it. It is neither a seasonal nor an attractive sentiment.

Your mother should not have to give the gentleman a bed if she hasn't one to provide, and, yes, there should have been some warning. But holiday visitors should receive not only a warm welcome but a modest present, so that they are not left out when others exchange theirs.

As it happens, meeting your sister's beau is a basic item of family business. (Think what fun you and your mother will have talking him over in the coming weeks.) He is not a stranger to her. Besides, it is particularly unwise to close family ranks against someone who may become a member.

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