DEAR MISS MANNERS: You implied that it's inappropriate to greet someone one has just met with, "Nice to meet you." In my case, I have usually greeted new acquaintances with "It's nice to meet you" (perhaps even adding "I've been looking forward to meeting you" when truthful).

Is it simply the absence of the "It's" in the beginning of "Nice to meet you" which makes the statement inappropriate? I suspect I may not be the only person wondering whether there's something wrong with saying "It's nice to meet you," when meeting someone for the first time.

GENTLE READER: Wrong is much too harsh a word for a nuance of etiquette in regard to a kindly meant remark, and quibbling about an incomplete spoken sentence would be ridiculous, as well as rude. Far be it from Miss Manners to inhibit pleasantries. Furthermore, as you quite rightly note, declarations of pleasure in finally meeting someone one has particularly wanted to meet are ingratiating.

The only reason that pedants such as Miss Manners eschew declaring their pleasure upon meeting someone unknown for the first time is to be able to declare their pleasure upon parting. A neutral "How do you do?" at the beginning of the encounter makes it possible to say a more flattering, "It is so nice to have met you" at its conclusion. The "it is" is optional.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I used to work retail. Is the customer always right? ?One store would always allow returns, for instance, even of plants the ?customer had killed by not watering them.

But some customers ask -- no, don't ask, insist on -- the most amazing ?things. There was one woman who wanted us ?to dig up the plants we had in our display garden to sell to her, ?because the ones we had for sale were smaller!

Needless to say, the ?type of customer who comes up with this kind of thing is not at all ?polite if a hapless salesclerk tries to refuse. (Perhaps I shouldn't ?get political here, but they always seem to be very well off. They seem ?to disrespect salesclerks because we are poor, or powerless, or ?something. Not, in my case, either young or less educated.)

Anyway, I tried to think of a Miss Manners-ish response that I could ?use in one of these situations. The one I thought of, but didn't get a ?reason to try out, was to say, very innocently, "I'm totally shocked ?that you could even think of asking such a thing!"

So, before the next time I am in such a position, I thought I'd ask ?your opinion of that one, and for an alternate response to the ?occasional totally insane demand by a customer.

GENTLE READER: As you have noticed, the customer is not always right. Why anyone who believed that bromide would go into the retail business, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

Nor is the customer always polite. But the salesclerk should be -- always. And Miss Manners always is, which is why she never indulges in the sort of chastising put-down that you have ascribed to her.

The polite way to shut such a customer up is to appear to take that person's side while in the very act of denying his or her demand. "I wish I could oblige you, madam...," "If it were up to me, sir..." and so on.

No, it doesn't always work. But it at least heads off the additional complaint, which determinedly rude people love to make, that the clerk has been rude to them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been a seriously disabled woman for a great many years. My life is sad, complicated and a very big disappointment. My question is not about how to deal with it, but how to deal with certain kinds of questions.

When people that know me ask how my holiday was, or how my weekend was, I hate to lie to them, and say that it was fine when I know that they know better and yet, I really don't want to discuss it. I live it and don't want to listen to the litany myself. If it bores me, how must others feel?

What can I say that won't make people feel that I am either lying or in some way making them feel bad for an honest question with a fraudulent answer?

GENTLE READER: Ah, but it is not an honest question. Nor is it a dishonest question. True and false are not the only possibilities in human discourse.

Miss Manners would like to introduce you to the concept of conventional expressions, designed to indicate good will but not meant to be taken literally. People who don't understand this, and snap back at "Good morning" with "What's good about it?" make themselves tedious.

The conventional greeting is followed by a conventional inquiry -- "How are you?" "How y'doing?" or the ones you get about weekend or holidays. The conventional answer is "Fine," but if you still object to that, you could say, "Oh, as usual. How was yours?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a 4-year college degree. I tend to work in fields where I am the only one with any college at all, so I don't mention the degree. If I have to refer to that time in my life for some other reason, I might say "in school," deliberately giving the impression that I'm referring to high school. Sometimes it comes out: Someone will ask directly if I've gone to college, or of course my boss knows and might mention it.

I find it makes my co-workers uncomfortable. Suddenly everyone is saying that they could have gone to college but chose not to, or that they don't think "book smart" is of any particular value in life. On a later occasion, someone might say, "Well, I didn't go to college or anything, but ..."

Although obviously I value my college experience and DO think "book smart" is a worthwhile way to be, I don't think going to college made me in any way "better than" my co-workers -- which is what they seem to believe I think, once they find out about my education.

Is there anything I can do to put them at ease about my feelings in the matter, without having to knock my education by agreeing with them that it was worthless?

GENTLE READER: Going to college is not, in itself, rude, however many undergraduates attempt to demonstrate that it is. As long as you are not committing an auxiliary rudeness, such as bragging, patronizing others or asking them to kick in for your alumni fundraising drive, Miss Manners sees no reason for you to apologize.

Your colleagues should be uncomfortable. It is only unfortunate that they are uncomfortable for the wrong reason. Not having attended college is no disgrace. Belittling the experience of others is.

When co-workers pick on you like that, you don't want to argue, but neither should you placate them. You should simply let them have their say without comment. Your conduct in this, as at all other times, would demonstrate to fair-minded people that you do not look down on them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received the following in the mail last week, and I'm not sure what I'm to do. (The names are changed for privacy, the rest is word for word.)

Lisa Ann along with the memory of

the Late Christopher Luke Castle

and Cathy R. and Hamilton Fenton

are proud to finally announce

the marriage of

Louisa Anne Castle

to

Stanley Sean Fenton

Luanne and Stan will unite

their devoted love and affection

which began twenty years ago

in a private ceremony

on (date but no time or place)

Because you are so far away

and can not be with us to celebrate our union,

we wanted you to know of our marriage and

hope you will wish us well and think of us

on our happy day!

It arrived in a single envelope about five weeks before the event. Don't you usually send out announcements after the event? I'm so confused. Is this just a request for a gift?

GENTLE READER: It is hard to say just what this is.

A sigh of relief from beyond the grave of a father who can stop spinning because his daughter's 20-year courtship has progressed to marriage? A presumptuous refusal, by the hosts on behalf of the recipients, in response to an invitation that has not been issued?

And what went on in that private ceremony 20 years ago?

Miss Manners is at least sure that it is not either a proper formal communication or a proper informal one, since it uses the formal third-person style without honorifics and with informal nicknames. But that revealing, if split, infinitive, "to finally announce," certainly provides more emotional information than can be found in the usual bland forms.

She would not, however, assume that it is a request for a present, even though many people assume that to be the prime motivation for marriage. Nowadays the greedy express themselves explicitly, enclosing written demands for cash or specific dry goods. Let us assume, instead, that the timing was simply as misguided as the wording. You need send the couple only your good wishes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am head of an environmental organization that values sustainability and using resources as wisely as possible. I am frequently invited to speak to civic organizations or sit on panels, after which I am provided with a thank you gift such as a mug or plaque with the organization's mission, or recently a frisbee with a newspaper's name and slogan.

I usually do not want this gift, partly because I do not use the item but also because I don't want to have the waste of owning an item I do not plan to use and can't be donated as they have little value. Is there a gracious way to decline a thank you gift without offending the kind individual who is making the offer?

GENTLE READER: Leaving that person standing there, holding on to an object you have just pronounced useless, in front of an audience whose organization it symbolizes?

Miss Manners is afraid that there is no way of doing that which would not be rude and embarrassing. The object is yours to put to whatever use you can find for it. It might assuage your misgivings if you learned to think of rudeness as a pollutant, which you should refrain from spreading.

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