DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you think that it is appropriate for an ex-wife to show up at family gathering when the present wife is in attendance? For example, Thanksgiving, funerals, Christmas and family gatherings, and it is not that she corresponds with the family during the year.

I think her children should be there but not her. Ex means no more. Do you think the present wife should go there knowing that the first wife will be present? It is a very uncomfortable situation.

GENTLE READER: Yes, it must be terribly uncomfortable for the relatives, who are only hoping to have a pleasant holiday or dignified ceremony without enduring the fallout of a past divorce. And it must be even worse for the children to witness their stepmother trying to banish their mother.

Miss Manners is sorry to have to point out that the lady in question is still related to the family -- not through your husband, but through her children. If she is invited to family occasions, you will simply have to treat her with the courtesy that you show any other member of the family of whom you are not especially fond.

You can, of course, choose to boycott family occasions. That, too, would cause discomfort to the children and their father, but perhaps not to the other relatives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a graduate student, and my roommate is constantly ragging on me for how much diet soda I drink (that's two cans, maybe three, a day), telling other people that I drink "so much" diet soda; how the chemicals are sure to cause cancer, destroy my teeth, how much it must cost, how she discussed it with another friend and he thought this and that, etc. I think she might think she's being funny, or maybe she's just being self-righteous.

I usually respond with a calm and not amused explanation that I really don't drink an unhealthy amount, don't drink alcohol or coffee, have not found any supportable evidence of health risk, and that my doctor and dentist think it's perfectly fine. It still won't make her stop. How do I politely tell her to mind her own business?

GENTLE READER: There is no polite way to say, "Mind your own business." Fortunately there are polite ways for people who live together on more or less peaceful terms to say, "You're driving me crazy."

Domestic arrangements are bearable only if people grant each other an occasional free pass to say, "I know you're only teasing, but it bothers me" or "I'm afraid it's time to retire that joke." If such pleas have the effect of encouraging your roommate to redouble her efforts, Miss Manners is afraid that it is time to look for other quarters.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been busy organizing 15-plus years of photographs. What should I do with the wedding pictures of friends who are divorced? My thought was to file them away in my letterbox with the invitation instead of having them in a photo album. Do you have general rules for photographs?

GENTLE READER: Only one: Keep them away from people whom they might embarrass.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently missed an appointment with a dean of my graduate school. The purpose of the meeting was to request grace for another obligation I had forgotten. As soon as I realized my mistake, I wrote the dean, apologized, and asked for his continued consideration in favor of my case. In addition to checking my calendar more regularly and carefully, is there anything else I should have done or said?

GENTLE READER: "You looked busy and I didn't want to disturb you"?

"I felt suddenly ill and didn't want to mess up your office"?

"I take full responsibility for standing you up and am seeking psychiatric help for my compulsion to sabotage my reputation with the people I admire most"?

No, Miss Manners doesn't really think so. Not when the purpose of the missed appointment was to talk your way out of trouble for having missed an appointment.

She would think that the most prudent thing you could do now would be to refrain from trying the dean's patience again. Perhaps he will make such a sufficiently funny story of the event to tell his colleagues that he will eventually begin to have unreasonably benign feelings toward you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our 25-year-old newly and shakily self-supporting daughter has happily announced to us that she is expecting a baby. She has no plans to marry the father, whom she has known only a few months.

She delightedly assured us that the conception was intentional (I had not asked!) and that they plan to raise the child together but may not be compatible enough to marry. (Her logic has always been an enigma to me.)

We will have to tell our friends, most of whom have known her since childhood, that we are about to become grandparents. We will need to tell our church community in which she was raised.

She is our daughter no matter what. She is aware that we are appalled. This is not the manner in which we would have chosen to become grandparents, but we intend to be loving and supportive to this child. I insisted that our daughter write a letter to each of her siblings, aunt/uncles, grandfather and godparents. They are being very supportive to us and I hope, to her, though they are clear that they feel, as we do, that this is more a case of "best wishes" than "congratulations."

So, now, how do we announce the news to friends and church? They know she isn't married. There are bound to be questions. I don't want to appear to approve of her choice, yet I don't wish to give the impression that I will in any way reject our grandchild. What do I say? How do I deal with people's responses?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would not suggest repeating your daughter's rationale. It didn't go over with you and it is not likely to be admired by your church community.

But you are making a family announcement, not holding a moral referendum. Should anyone attempt to draw you into one, the only response you should make (as often as necessary until they stop) is, "She is grown-up and makes her own decisions. We don't always agree with her, but we love her and are excited to be having a grandchild."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is October and 88 degrees outside here today. I wore a summer dress and white dressy sandals to work. (This is perfectly fine attire at my office.)

A woman I work with made the comment that she wouldn't have the audacity to wear white shoes after Labor Day. She has made a comment like this to me before along with the comment that boys should not wear white dress shoes.

I have heard two different reasons for the "only wear white shoes between Memorial and Labor Day rule": 1) that it was initiated in the 1950s as a way to intimidate and differentiate people of "lower" class that may or may not know all the etiquette rules, and 2) it was started for practicality. (White shoes reflect sunlight and don't warm the feet like black shoes would.)

Whatever the reason for the beginning of the rule, is this rule still in effect? Am I supposed to invest in an after-Labor Day summer wardrobe? As for male children not wearing white dress shoes, I have no idea where this rule came from. The comment was made while looking at a picture of my nephews in their Easter Sunday clothes.

GENTLE READER: Unseasonable heat brings out the worst in everyone. Your colleague should not be criticizing your clothes, you should not be equivocating (if you have no other shoes to wear except white sandals, what will you do when it snows?) and even cool Miss Manners is feeling snappish. She always does when people suggest that etiquette, the great equalizer because it requires everyone to be treated with respect, is really a secret code by which the rich sneer at the poor.

Customs sometimes develop for practical reasons. You can probably guess why it is not a good idea to put little boys into white shoes. And a change to white just looks cooler in summer.

But beyond that is the variety and harmony of recognizing the natural cycles of the seasons and the sun. When people no longer recognize the difference between summer and fall, or between night and day, no wonder the temperature gets confused.

So yes, the white-shoes rule is still in effect.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I often have lunch at home together, each fixing our own meal. Sometimes it takes me longer to get my lunch ready, and my husband will sit there at the table with his lunch in front of him, waiting for me to join him.

I tell him "Please go ahead," but he refuses, saying that it is bad manners for him to start eating without ?me. I feel that it is fine for him to start without me if I say so. ?Who's right?

What about when we have guests and I'm still finishing up in the kitchen but all the food has been served? Is it all right for me to tell my guests to go ahead and start eating?

GENTLE READER: Your etiquette problem is that your husband treats you with too much courtesy and wants to enjoy your company at lunch? Is Miss Manners missing something here?

Sharing meals is an important ritual. While it is true that others should be urged to begin when their food would get cold waiting, this should be an exceptional circumstance. Miss Manners urges you to organize your food preparation so that you can eat with your husband and your guests.

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