DEAR MISS MANNERS: The other day I was at the DMV renewing my driver's license. I mentioned to the examiner while he was processing my check that I would be returning in a few months to change my name on my license after getting married. He responded with, "Why would you want to get married?" I was pretty surprised. I managed to say because I love my fiance, but it was really uncomfortable. How should I respond when people say this? This isn't the first time that I have received this response after mentioning that I am engaged.

GENTLE READER: First, please promise Miss Manners that you will deliver this line just as she says. You don't want to insult anyone by being sarcastic. And besides, you want to get your driver's license renewed.

For a minute, do not say anything, as if you were thinking the question over. Then allow a modest smile to appear, and your eyes to take on a dreamy, inward look. In a soft voice, almost apologetically, say, "Oh, I can't explain. You wouldn't understand."

And then quickly say something entirely different before your questioner realizes what has been revealed about his or her own life.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife of two years passed away from brain cancer two weeks ago. I held her memorial this last Saturday. Two women have asked when will I transfer my wedding ring from my left hand to the right. Being a man, I am unaware of such a requirement.

Miss Manners, I am perfectly content to wear my wedding ring exactly where my wife placed it until it is my time to pass to God. However, I also want to do what is correct. I am 61 years old and have no intention to marry again. I have noticed that many women who divorce or are widowed do move the wedding ring to the right hand, or do not wear it at all.

Please help me with this question of proper and respectful ring wear.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette has -- and wants -- nothing whatever to do with the placement of widows' and widowers' wedding rings. It neither rips them away from the bereaved nor sniffs if they are moved.

Miss Manners is afraid that your advisers have their own agenda. And you are right that there is an issue here of respect -- but it is the respect that these ladies have failed to show for your wife, who so recently died, and for you.

The widowed move their rings if and when they no longer want to appear to be currently married or in a state of mourning that would discourage possibly romantic overtures. To suggest that you do so is an unwarranted liberty at any time; to do so when you are freshly in mourning is also an insult to the seriousness of your loss.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last week I went out with several girlfriends to a dinner and a movie. We split the bill, which was double what my order was since I didn't have drinks, no problem.

Then we headed to the movies and found our seat. I never buy anything at movie theaters because I think it's way too expensive, but my friends went out and bought a huge tray of stuff. When the one woman went to take her seat, she asked me to hold the tray. I waited for her to take it back after she was seated, but she seemed to want me to be a "table."

I shifted positions, and the popcorn spilled all over. It was piled on top of other things, and was at a slant. If I would have reached for it I would have dropped everything.

Should I have then paid for the popcorn I spilled? They asked me to replace it, and I just sat there in a huff and said it wasn't my fault. After all of them had finished their popcorn, they wanted me to then hold the remains, too, which I declined. I'd appreciate your thoughts.

GENTLE READER: Is there a step missing here? After they finished what popcorn?

Did you give in and buy them more? Did they buy it themselves? Or did they eat the spilled popcorn from the floor?

Never mind; Miss Manners has a more pressing question: What sort of friendship is this? Suppose she were to dictate exactly who should pay for what? Would that leave all of you enjoying one another's company in a spirit of tolerance and good will?

Here are the sorts of things friends can say in a perfectly good-natured way under these circumstances:

"Let's change places so you can both get at the popcorn."

"Whoops, sorry. But I tried to get you to take it back."

"Take it out of the extra money I put into the lunch bill, because I didn't have drinks."

But that presumes a spirit of friendship characterized by tolerance, fairness and even generosity. If all of you had that, you could have said, "Sorry, let me get you some more," with the confidence that your friends would have replied, "Don't be silly, we'll get it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dearest and oldest friend came for dinner the other night, along with other invited guests. It was a pleasant occasion with interesting conversation -- until her cell phone rang its little rumba melody. She answered and proceeded to chat -- totally causing all discussions to come to a screeching halt. Dinner resumed, and a short time later, the cell again rang. Please do advise me how to gently but firmly ask that a cell phone be far away from our dining room table.

GENTLE READER: It appears that your dearest and oldest friend would rather talk to anyone than to you. Nor does she have any qualms about ruining your dinner party.

Why you would invite her back, Miss Manners cannot imagine. But if you should, take the precaution of asking whether she would be free then, or on call. Should she admit to being available for calls, you should tell her you will invite her another time, when she is free. And should she go ahead and take calls at your table, you should get up and take her gently by the elbow and steer her into another room.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was at the swimming pool the other day, a lady came to me and asked lots of questions and then said, "I am a Realtor and if you want to sell your house, I can do it."

I was so offended! I said something but not good enough and it has left me boiling inside. Every time someone gets a Realtors license they come to me and say, "If you want to sell your house...."

It feels to me like they take a knife and stab me in my stomach right there. How should I tell them nicely "You are crazy. Why would I sell my house to a rude stranger; who has the guts to be so blunt as to ask me to give my house in your hands; and how dare you imply that my house is not good enough to live in it anymore; and imply that I was stupid to buy the house I live in right now?"

GENTLE READER: Hold on a minute, please. Miss Manners must have gotten water in the ears when she was in the pool, because she missed that stream of insults directed at your house.

How odd that you have encountered a real estate agent -- and apparently more than one -- who declares your house unlivable and yet yearns to sell it; who tells you that you were stupid to buy it and yet is confident that others would do so.

Even so, would this be comparable to being stabbed with a knife? Or could it be that you are inflating an annoyance into a crime in the hope that the punishment will increase proportionally?

The annoyance is to have someone approach you in a recreational setting with a commercial overture. The appropriate punishment is merely to cut off the discussion by saying coldly, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested," and henceforth to avoid this person both personally and professionally.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My future sister-in-law is pregnant with her first. Every time she is around, all she seems to be able to talk about is her baby. There isn't a time that goes by without her saying something like, "The music is too loud for the baby. Don't say that in front of the baby. I can't eat that because of the baby."

She also comes up with strange rules that almost seem as though she is making them up. She says she can't bowl, sit in a jacuzzi, or be around cats because of the baby. Forgive me for not knowing if these are true, I don't have children of my own.

I have begun to excuse myself when she is in the room for fear that I will lose my mind. I understand her excitement and need for precautions, but she has recently begun to call me out on leaving the room. I'm running out of excuses! How can I politely tell her that I'd like to talk about things other than the baby?

GENTLE READER: Such as what? Your wedding plans?

Miss Manners is afraid that it is one of the duties of relatives to bear with those who are overexcited at certain stages of their lives that do not, you will be relieved to hear, last forever. You are therefore free to jump in, at the first pause, and say, "What do you think of cerise for the bridesmaids' sashes?" but not to allow your future sister-in-law to know that you find her a bore.

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