DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am writing today because, once again, a workman has arrived early at my home for work that was scheduled 20 minutes later than his arrival.

Mind you, this was for a morning appointment and he and his supervisor would be here most of the morning correcting a problem with drapes they had previously installed. I had to stop what I was involved in (my work), was not quite prepared (dressed) for their arrival and had to endure them in my home for the repair.

I did not receive a ready apology for the early ring at the door when I expressed to him "all my clocks must be slow," only a "yea, I am early."

I appreciate that the installer wanted to get started on the repair job as soon as he was able. However, the supervisor for the job had not yet arrived and needed to evaluate the problem with the drapes before it was handled by the installer, and did not. My expectation is that the installer should wait for the supervisor to arrive, who, incidentally, arrived at the specified time.

Should I equate "punctuality" with an early arrival? I always equated "punctuality" with "on time," if not "on the dot" then not more than two to five minutes early and two to three minutes late. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Wait a minute -- you had a workman show up for work at your house on the very day and within the hour that he was supposed to come? What's his name?

Miss Manners wasn't planning to have any work done on her house, but she hates to miss this opportunity.

Oops. She got overexcited, didn't she? It's just that certain professions -- plumbers, doctors, lawyers and the people who come to fix a household appliance and tell you that it would be cheaper to buy a new one than to have them do work on top of the whopping fee they charge just for visiting it -- have accustomed us to the idea that they can keep us waiting. They lay claim to having emergencies, which we are not allowed.

But even aside from being grateful not to be subjected to the rudeness of being kept waiting, Miss Manners cannot find an early arrival as culpable as it would be in a guest. This is because if you have a serious reason for not allowing the person to come in -- and not being dressed qualifies -- you can say something that you cannot say to a guest: "I'm not quite ready -- would you mind waiting in your truck?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is getting married next summer. Her father and I divorced 10 years ago and have very little contact. He married his mistress. They have invited her parents to the wedding. As the mother of the bride and hostess of this event, how do I greet these people?

Nice to meet you. No. Thanks for coming. No. I am not happy to meet them nor will I be happy they came. My daughter does not have a relationship with these people.

GENTLE READER: Oddly enough, "Nice to meet you" is never the correct remark to make for a first encounter. It is true that the French always declare themselves enchanted, but we consider this judgment premature. "How do you do?" is the correct greeting, and Miss Manners promises you that to say it, you do not need to care how they do.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If someone invites you some place, how do you say maybe in a polite way? An example is, say, one of your friends is having people over, then your friends from work ask you if you want to go eat at this place. How do you say maybe in a polite way? I cannot say, "Well, I have to see what my plans are" or "Well, my friend is having people over but if it's lame I'll come...?!?!?"

I do not want to say yes and then not come or be stuck, but then I do not want to say no and then decide, well, I wish I would have gone with the other people.

GENTLE READER: So you want a polite way to say "I'll be there if I don't find something better to do and provided I happen to feel like it at the time"?

Miss Manners is sorry to disappoint you, but there are no polite ways to be rude. Imagine that!

And hedging is rude. Someone who is kind enough to issue you an invitation deserves an immediate answer. You can buy a day's leeway by asking if you can check with your spouse/boss/doctor, but that's it. If you are not enthusiastic about going, decline. If you accept, you have to go.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife, a high school English teacher who taught advanced composition courses to seniors before retiring, had a pet peeve about one very common usage by prominent speakers in every field and also highly respected authors. It is starting a sentence with "I don't think...." She insisted that her students use "I think" instead of "I don't think."

Her rationale was obvious. The latter implies that the writer doesn't think. I would like to have your opinion on this subject.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hates to contradict pedants, because she is one. But she does not think that your wife is right. And that is more polite than saying that she thinks your wife is wrong, which is no small reason for preferring it.

If the statement "I don't think" stood alone, it would mean what you wife says it does. But she admits that this is only the beginning of a sentence which then names what the person does not think -- itself evidence of thought.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As half of a same-sex couple, I am a little puzzled about bread-and-butter notes. When my partner and I lived in separate communities and had dinner in the home of a couple who lived in between, I agreed that it was proper for both of us to write. But now that we are living together, it seems a little odd for the same couple to be getting two separate notes from the same household. I think one note over two signatures would suffice. Perhaps we might alternate writing them.

GENTLE READER: Alternate. Or assign the task entirely to whichever of you enjoys doing it or minds the least. Unbeknownst to most brides, even among that gracious minority of brides who actually do write timely letters of thanks, a letter should be signed only by its author. Two people can issue an invitation, send a greeting card, make a formal announcement and write a movie script, but only one person can write a letter.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a corporate setting and sit in a cubicle. My assistant sits about 10 feet away in her cube. Just about every single time someone comes to my desk to speak with me, she runs over to "crash" the conversation.

This happens about three or more times a day. The last time she did it -- about 15 minutes ago -- she actually hopped up onto my desk and began swinging her legs! I tried to be subtle and ask her, "Gee, are you comfortable up there?" to which she coolly replied, "Yes, very, thank you."

I'm not sure how I can address this with her without offending her and hurting her feelings. It is extremely annoying that she listens in to all of my phone conversations as it is (which may be unavoidable when you work in cubicles), but now that she physically runs over to butt into my private conversations, I have reached the end of my rope.

Please let me know if there is a way to gently remind her that even though she can hear my conversations, she is not necessarily welcome to join in each one. I would greatly appreciate your guidance.

GENTLE READER: Wait a second -- this person is your assistant. You are her boss, or at least her immediate supervisor. And you are afraid of hurting her feelings if you tell her to get off your desk?

Mind you, Miss Manners yields to no one in the firmness of her belief in good office manners. She would never countenance your saying, as many bosses would, "Get the blank off my desk, and by the way, mind your own business when I have visitors."

But she would accept, "Please understand that I do not want you ever to sit on my desk, whether I am here or not. And when I have visitors, please do not join us unless I expressly ask you to."

You certainly have a stunningly cheeky assistant there. Did she sit on your lap during the job interview? But even employees with tact and sense may need to be told what your particular wishes are about participating in the work you are doing. An office is not a party where you are trying to make the guests feel at home and can take solace in the fact that those who abuse the privilege need not be invited again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please give me some advice on how to behave at the upcoming religious rite of passage for the 14-year-old daughter of my wife's sister and her divorced husband. He left her and the children for another woman just last year, having behaved adulterously during the marriage, and all know my sister-in-law is a wronged woman.

I have advised my 22-year-old son that he may not "give him the sound thrashing that he deserves," but what is a civilized man to do? Ignore him completely? A civil nod without a handshake? I'm OK with letting life go on, but this event is too close to his perfidy to act as if nothing is wrong. Or am I being incorrect?

GENTLE READER: You are being incorrect if your reaction upon seeing this person is more interesting to the other guests than the religious rite being celebrated. With that understanding, Miss Manners gives you permission to attempt to get away with pretending not to see him or to see his outstretched hand.

: