DEAR MISS MANNERS: If someone invites you some place, how do you say maybe in a polite way? An example is, say, one of your friends is having people over, then your friends from work ask you if you want to go eat at this place. How do you say maybe in a polite way? I cannot say, "Well, I have to see what my plans are" or "Well, my friend is having people over but if it's lame I'll come...?!?!?"

I do not want to say yes and then not come or be stuck, but then I do not want to say no and then decide, well, I wish I would have gone with the other people.

GENTLE READER: So you want a polite way to say "I'll be there if I don't find something better to do and provided I happen to feel like it at the time"?

Miss Manners is sorry to disappoint you, but there are no polite ways to be rude. Imagine that!

And hedging is rude. Someone who is kind enough to issue you an invitation deserves an immediate answer. You can buy a day's leeway by asking if you can check with your spouse/boss/doctor, but that's it. If you are not enthusiastic about going, decline. If you accept, you have to go.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife, a high school English teacher who taught advanced composition courses to seniors before retiring, had a pet peeve about one very common usage by prominent speakers in every field and also highly respected authors. It is starting a sentence with "I don't think...." She insisted that her students use "I think" instead of "I don't think."

Her rationale was obvious. The latter implies that the writer doesn't think. I would like to have your opinion on this subject.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hates to contradict pedants, because she is one. But she does not think that your wife is right. And that is more polite than saying that she thinks your wife is wrong, which is no small reason for preferring it.

If the statement "I don't think" stood alone, it would mean what you wife says it does. But she admits that this is only the beginning of a sentence which then names what the person does not think -- itself evidence of thought.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As half of a same-sex couple, I am a little puzzled about bread-and-butter notes. When my partner and I lived in separate communities and had dinner in the home of a couple who lived in between, I agreed that it was proper for both of us to write. But now that we are living together, it seems a little odd for the same couple to be getting two separate notes from the same household. I think one note over two signatures would suffice. Perhaps we might alternate writing them.

GENTLE READER: Alternate. Or assign the task entirely to whichever of you enjoys doing it or minds the least. Unbeknownst to most brides, even among that gracious minority of brides who actually do write timely letters of thanks, a letter should be signed only by its author. Two people can issue an invitation, send a greeting card, make a formal announcement and write a movie script, but only one person can write a letter.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a corporate setting and sit in a cubicle. My assistant sits about 10 feet away in her cube. Just about every single time someone comes to my desk to speak with me, she runs over to "crash" the conversation.

This happens about three or more times a day. The last time she did it -- about 15 minutes ago -- she actually hopped up onto my desk and began swinging her legs! I tried to be subtle and ask her, "Gee, are you comfortable up there?" to which she coolly replied, "Yes, very, thank you."

I'm not sure how I can address this with her without offending her and hurting her feelings. It is extremely annoying that she listens in to all of my phone conversations as it is (which may be unavoidable when you work in cubicles), but now that she physically runs over to butt into my private conversations, I have reached the end of my rope.

Please let me know if there is a way to gently remind her that even though she can hear my conversations, she is not necessarily welcome to join in each one. I would greatly appreciate your guidance.

GENTLE READER: Wait a second -- this person is your assistant. You are her boss, or at least her immediate supervisor. And you are afraid of hurting her feelings if you tell her to get off your desk?

Mind you, Miss Manners yields to no one in the firmness of her belief in good office manners. She would never countenance your saying, as many bosses would, "Get the blank off my desk, and by the way, mind your own business when I have visitors."

But she would accept, "Please understand that I do not want you ever to sit on my desk, whether I am here or not. And when I have visitors, please do not join us unless I expressly ask you to."

You certainly have a stunningly cheeky assistant there. Did she sit on your lap during the job interview? But even employees with tact and sense may need to be told what your particular wishes are about participating in the work you are doing. An office is not a party where you are trying to make the guests feel at home and can take solace in the fact that those who abuse the privilege need not be invited again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please give me some advice on how to behave at the upcoming religious rite of passage for the 14-year-old daughter of my wife's sister and her divorced husband. He left her and the children for another woman just last year, having behaved adulterously during the marriage, and all know my sister-in-law is a wronged woman.

I have advised my 22-year-old son that he may not "give him the sound thrashing that he deserves," but what is a civilized man to do? Ignore him completely? A civil nod without a handshake? I'm OK with letting life go on, but this event is too close to his perfidy to act as if nothing is wrong. Or am I being incorrect?

GENTLE READER: You are being incorrect if your reaction upon seeing this person is more interesting to the other guests than the religious rite being celebrated. With that understanding, Miss Manners gives you permission to attempt to get away with pretending not to see him or to see his outstretched hand.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last week my husband and I were invited to a dinner party by a couple we met ?recently and do not know very well. I offered to bring an ?appetizer and she graciously accepted my offer. Weeks before her dinner, ?she asked me several times if I was still bringing ?the appetizer, and I indicated that I was. I thought that was odd that ?she kept asking me -- but let it go.

Anyway we showed up that early evening with the appetizer and a good bottle of wine. Their home was very beautiful and elegant and the ?dining room was set for a sit down dinner ... again, elegantly set.

We all started showing up and I noticed there were no other appetizers out but mine. ?There were 14 people meandering around, and the host and hostess were ?spending more of their time showing off the house than tending to their guests.

We finally were offered a glass of wine -- and my meager appetizer tray was eventually gone. Dinner was finally under way after an hour and ?some of us ladies assisted. The dinner was meager and disappointing. ?I guess I did not enjoy the evening; in a nutshell, it was a strained ?evening.

What struck me was these people are not without financially -- and did not seem to go out of their way to entertain their guests -- it appeared to ?be more emphasis on presentation. It was very disappointing.

Do you think she felt my appetizer was enough to serve her guests? I ?felt a bit put ?off by the entire thing and still do. What do you think, Miss Manners?

GENTLE READER: That it is high time for guests and hosts alike to stop thinking of every invitation as a cooperative venture. More often than not, what is intended as a gesture of good will results, as this did, in hurt feelings and perhaps badly fed guests.

Miss Manners is not defending your hosts who, you report, neglected their guests. When you were invited to dinner, you need only have responded with your thanks. It is not necessary, as many people now assume, to assume that you will also be catering. Nor is it helpful to bring one bottle of wine, as more than one would be needed for a dinner party.

But once your offer was made and accepted, you needed to know how many people you had volunteered to feed. In a genuinely cooperative meal, when groups of friends or club members regularly get together with each contributing part of the food, this is an obviously necessary piece of information. If you weren't told, you need to ask.

But in this case, you must have simply assumed that there would be either fewer guests or more appetizers. And the hostess assumed that the appetizer course was taken care of and she need think no more about it. (Even in relating it, you speak of your offering "an" appetizer, and her checking that you were bringing "the" appetizer.) Possibly she farmed out the other courses just as carelessly, which explains why the meal was meager.

Please help Miss Manners to put a stop to this by going back to the system by which the work and expense were indeed shared -- but by the simple method of taking turns entertaining.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a couple live together but are not engaged do both have to be invited to a family bar mitzvah?

GENTLE READER: Yes, and it doesn't matter if you approve of the person or the arrangement. Sorry.

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