DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to play bridge on an irregular basis and have the opportunity to play with a variety of people. But I really dislike the "Why didn't you do this/do that?", "If you did this/or that, then I could have, it would have ..." -- the inevitable obit by one member re how they could have made some fabulous play if someone else had done something else.

I come to have fun, not "up" someone, or question why anyone did what they did.

I find this inquisition (whether directed at me or anyone else) really rude. Do you have any thoughts on this irritant to me? I have mentioned, attempting to be humorous, that I really don't like the obituaries -- they seem more critical in nature than information/learning opportunities.

GENTLE READER: Then you are in the wrong game. Miss Manners does not mean to suggest that you ought to be playing, oh, say, polo, or Simon Says, instead of bridge. Only that you need to get into another bridge game.

It is not that you want to play for fun and these people don't. It is that their idea of fun is letting you know that except for your bungling, they would have won. Like people who boo at baseball games or the opera, they consider it part of the sport.

Although this seems to be true of the entire variety of people with whom you play, there are others who will be only too glad to escape their partners (in bridge, but sometimes often in life) by forming another table.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend and I met our friends' boyfriends and they were all referred to by their first name. After the wedding, they all refer to them as "my husband" all the time. I would like to know if we are friendly with these men, should they be referred to as husbands since we know them and their names?

GENTLE READER: Your newly married friends are getting a thrill from saying "my husband." Unless you would be thrilled to refer to them as "your husband," Miss Manners permits you to continue to call them by their names.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't understand why you advise people not to mention price except in matters of business. I'd hate to think that I may purchase a new auto and later realize that a friend had purchased the same car for a much lower price. Would you consider reconsidering?

GENTLE READER: This will not be necessary after you reconsider your notion of etiquette.

Like many people, you assume that its rules are so crudely fashioned as to be inflexible, regardless of circumstances. (But then again, Miss Manners prefers that attitude to that of people who believe that etiquette is so flexible that it never stops them from doing whatever they want.)

We need that rule. Aren't you sick of being asked by strangers what you paid for your shoes?

All the same, etiquette, like its harsher cousin the law, recognizes extenuating circumstances. It would be rude to ask your neighbor what he paid for his car if your motivation were to gage his worth or to announce that he is a sucker because he could have gotten it more cheaply. But you could get away with saying, "I'm thinking of buying a car like that. Do you mind my asking how much you paid for it?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a recent party, I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for a while. I knew his business was going well, so I congratulated him and asked about the future of his enterprise.

To my great surprise, I found I had walked into a buzzsaw. He berated ?me for asking what he called a stupid question and said in ?increasingly loud tones that I was capable of much more incisive ?queries.

And on it went. Too stunned to do much more than stand there, I kept ?my cool, pointing out calmly between salvos that I was merely asking a civil question that deserved a civil reply.

Given the unpleasantness, would I have been justified in saying ?"Excuse me" in the middle of his rant and walking away? I didn't do ?it, but it seems like an effective way -- perhaps the only way -- to ?let this person know he was committing a major faux pas.

One more thing: He apologized, but via voice mail. Was this ?sufficient, or should I move on?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners can answer your original question, if you are still curious: Business is not going well.

That is not to say that your question was as civil as you suppose. Quizzing friends about their business plans is impertinent.

Still, that vehement reaction was not only rude and wrong (less incisive questions were what he wanted, not more) but also sadly revealing of what he was trying to avoid discussing. He could have brushed the question aside by treating it as a merely conventional inquiry, and responding, "Everything's fine thanks. How are things with you?"

Miss Manners would allow you to skip sticking around for this tongue lashing, but only if you first said, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to pry."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend usually issues casual party invitations via both e-mail and livejournal. Unfortunately, he includes the phrase "complete strangers welcome" on the online diary portion and is very open about providing his name and address to anyone who requests it.

I realize that he may have established dialogue with these people over the course of time, and trusts that they aren't utterly heinous, but I and my fiance are deeply uncomfortable about attending parties of this nature (especially since my fiance -- who is quite shy -- isn't entirely comfortable with my friends yet, let alone potentially large groups of strangers).

Is there a gentle way I can ask my friend not to invite random strangers upon occasion, as he is clearly upset each time I turn down this kind of invitation?

Should I even explain why I am declining? Or shall I simply host get-togethers at our home (which, unfortunately, is much less spacious and guest-friendly than my friend's home) when I wish to see my friend?

GENTLE READER: How many crimes is it going to take before people stop dismissing etiquette's requirement of a proper introduction as prissy and ridiculous?

Or even an improper introduction. Miss Manners prefers that the order and wording be correct, but the underlying point is that while there are never guarantees about character, the odds are better when the person is known to someone you trust. At least the odds of being able to give the police that person's real name.

So while you cannot tell your friend whom to invite, you can admit to being worried about exposure to total strangers, both for yourselves and on his behalf. If he argues the point, you should say, "I'm afraid that's the way we feel. We worry about your safety. But we are always happy to see you and to meet people you know."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 25-year-old in my final year of a Bachelor of Arts, majoring in film and media studies and anthropology. Having left a corporate career within project management to pursue this line of study, I am often asked either "why?" or of "the practical value" of my courses outside of an academic setting.

Although I always give a sincere response, explaining that documentary filmmaking is what I see as my true calling, the frequently snide and judging manner in which the question is asked (usually by former business associates) often makes me feel disempowered.

As I wouldn't dream of returning such perpetual cruelty by rolling my eyes and walking off, do you have any advice for how to politely respond in such situations?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners recommends your breaking into a wide smile, as if the question reminded you of something very pleasant, and saying simply, "We shall see."

This actually means nothing more than that you don't yet know what your education will lead to in the way of a career. But if you say it happily enough, and refuse to elaborate beyond repeating "We shall see," they will be left wondering what is in the works that pleases you so. The brighter ones will come to the uneasy realization that perhaps they should stop sneering now in case they will want to drop your name in the future.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few nights ago, my husband and I went out to try a new Italian restaurant. When our food arrived, waiter one set down my plate then set down my husband's. Not five seconds later, waiter two arrived, asking, "Would either of you care for some fresh ground pepper?"

I said, "Let me just take a quick taste first." (I took a small bite, chew chew chew.) "No thank you, I'm fine without pepper."

Now my husband says I was rude to the waiter for making him wait. I say the chef went to all the trouble of preparing a nice dish, I should at least try it before adding any seasonings.

We've agreed to abide by your ruling: Was it rude to ask the waiter to wait?

GENTLE READER: You mean because that is his job description? But there is waiting and waiting. His job is to wait on you, not to wait for you.

By now, your husband probably thinks that he has won, but Miss Manners is going to disappoint him.

You were actually cooperating with the waiter, who was wielding the pepper mill so that he could do his job properly. This task is not to go around mindlessly spraying the food of everyone who doesn't say no quickly enough. It is to ensure that the food is seasoned to each diner's taste. It is therefore reasonable, as well as polite, to check first whether it is already to your taste.

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