DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have been asked to dinner by our daughter's significant other. We assume it is to receive our blessing in proposing marriage to her.

Can we ask questions? Or are we there to give our blessing, which we do? He is a lovely young man who obviously adores our daughter and vice versa. They are each 33 years old, successful in their careers.

But coming from her mother married to her father for 39 years, I am wholly aware of "life." To ask questions about lifelong marriage to younger people entering a first and hopefully one-time marriage seems kind of silly in today's world. Least of all, should he be expected to pick up the check?

GENTLE READER: You should allow the gentleman to pick up the check, since it is he who invited you. Miss Manners also recommends allowing him the benefit of the doubt, at least for the moment.

The traditional drilling of a prospective bridegroom by the lady's father was financial, and it was done in the privacy of the paternal study. This was so he would not be interrupted by his daughter's crying out, "But Papa, I don't care about money! I love him! I'd rather starve with him than marry a prince."

That is not a scene for a public restaurant -- nor anywhere else nowadays, when both are self-supporting and the lady's agreement will already have been secured. What the bridegroom seems to have planned is a celebratory dinner, at which the engagement is announced to you and your blessing is expected.

Give it and drink your champagne. Later, in private conversations with your daughter and perhaps in carefully polite ones with her fiance, you will be able to solicit their views on marriage and impart yours.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine has graduated from college and is in the very long process of saying goodbye as she packs up and moves home, out of state.

I say long because, well, for nearly a month now we, her circle of close friends, have been enduring innumerable "lasts" -- the last weekend party, the last karaoke night, the last dinner out, etcetera. What I thought was her Big Goodbye, a party last weekend, wasn't. I found out that this evening she is wanting to gather us all to her boxed-up apartment and toast her and say farewell again.

Just how many goodbyes are civilized people expected to endure? Shouldn't a goodbye be bittersweet, and not just bitter? Shouldn't a person realize that focusing so much on one's own departure is likely to make one's friends say, instead, "good riddance"?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but unless the lady is summoning her friends to pack the cartons or contribute to the expenses, she is guilty only of an excess of sentiment. You may, of course decline her invitations. But Miss Manners hopes that when you can no longer bear it, you add, "But please let me know when you're actually going, so I can see you off."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an apparently interesting scar, about 3 inches long, straight down my spine on my lower back. It's not normally visible, but occasionally friends or acquaintances will inquire about it and I cheerfully tell them the rather dull truth about falling off a stool when I was a child. However, sometimes random strangers catch a glimpse (leaning over a water fountain, or on the beach and the like) and feel utterly comfortable coming up to me and asking where I picked up such an odd disfigurement. In these cases, I tend to cheerfully tell them the first thing that pops into my head -- I was born with a tail, or kidnapped by aliens or had a reverse C-section, that sort of thing.

My casual acquaintance, upon hearing about this habit, informed me that it was unconscionably rude and terribly inappropriate. I tend to feel that I'm reacting humorously, but not inappropriately, to an entirely rude question, and that if they felt the need to go to all the effort of approaching me, I ought to give them an entertaining return.

Who's in the right here? And, if I'm being rude, what would be a polite response that's still better than a blank stare or a chilly "Excuse me?"

GENTLE READER: A better response? Yours are indeed amusing, and Miss Manners will not try to top them. You need a casual acquaintance with a better sense of humor.

As long as your delivery is not sarcastic, a good-natured nonanswer is more polite than any way of conveying that it is none of their business.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law is an important executive with a very large travel-related American corporation. As a thank you gesture for her efforts in increasing their business, a cruise ship line invited her and 12 of her extended family to be their gratis guests on an inaugural cruise. The fortunate party included three adult men, seven adult women and three children.

During a formal dinner one evening, the president of the cruise line stopped at our table (which probably represented an outlay of about $50,000 for his company) and chatted for a few minutes. No one stood up.

Please explain to me the correct protocol in a situation like this. Should my sister-in-law, as the primary invitee, have stood, or because of her gender is that not necessary? Should my brother as her husband stand? Should all of the men at the table have stood? Or should every one of us have jumped up and given him a group hug?

GENTLE READER: This is a tricky question, and not just because of the effect 13 people all hopping up at once might have had on the balance of the ship.

In the workplace, rank and not gender determines precedence. However, the president of the cruise line was not your sister-in-law's boss but her benefactor, and, at any rate, his generosity places her on vacation. So let's leave her seated, and the other ladies as well. Miss Manners would like to see the children rise, as they should for any adult. That leaves the three gentlemen. It would have been graceful if they had stood and toasted his kindness and his health.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have placed myself in a very bad situation. I have been in love with a friend for the past four years, a 30-year-old Frenchman who is now residing in Paris. I am living in Canada, on my way to move back home to live in the States.

I miss him deeply and I'm also deeply in love with him, but he does not know this. Besides the pure agony that I have placed myself in, I have had opportunities in the past to share my sentiments for him, but I didn't have the courage.

I married another man who was friends with the man that I love. However, they do not keep in touch. When I was on the altar at the church preparing to say my vows, thoughts of him flashed through my mind and heart.

I felt as if it were God telling me that my conscience was not clear and so I shouldn't proceed, but I was in denial. I did not want to be in love with another while I was already preparing to marry another man, but even though I had fought against my better judgment, I couldn't rid my heart of what it knew and where it was guiding me. I know that I may sound ridiculous, but I'm clearly and truly in love with this other man.

I would like to know if you have any advice for me regarding a love letter that I have already begun to write to him. I want to win his interest and love and I don't know how. I don't mean any disrespect or pain to him or to anyone regarding my problem, but I feel that whether or not he returns my sentiments, I must tell him, at least to clear my heart. I would like to share my life with him, and if I can't do this, it is important to me that I'm close to him. How can I win his affections and how can I persuade him to understand in my letter?

GENTLE READER: Why does Miss Manners have the creepy feeling that you already have a letter that is overdue? That is the one in which you tell your husband that through no fault of his, you find you cannot go on with the marriage.

If that is done, you merely have to tell the other gentleman in question that you are divorcing and would like to renew your acquaintance with him. Trust Miss Manners, he will not have a difficult time figuring out why.

As to how he will react, you will have to take your chances. Miss Manners does not dispense love potions. But she does advise you to refrain from telling him about your thoughts at the altar, as she dearly hopes you have refrained from telling your husband. It is not so much flattering to the object of your fantasies as it is scary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to send an anniversary card to a fairly recent widow? I would like to honor her by remembering their wonderful love, but he passed late last year and I'm not sure of the proper etiquette.

GENTLE READER: "Happy anniversary" is not exactly the message to send. No doubt the greeting card industry has come up with something like "Sorry your husband isn't there to celebrate," but Miss Manners warns you that canned sentiments won't do. It would be kind of you to write the lady a letter saying that you are thinking of her on this day and feel enriched by the example of her marriage.

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