DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have placed myself in a very bad situation. I have been in love with a friend for the past four years, a 30-year-old Frenchman who is now residing in Paris. I am living in Canada, on my way to move back home to live in the States.

I miss him deeply and I'm also deeply in love with him, but he does not know this. Besides the pure agony that I have placed myself in, I have had opportunities in the past to share my sentiments for him, but I didn't have the courage.

I married another man who was friends with the man that I love. However, they do not keep in touch. When I was on the altar at the church preparing to say my vows, thoughts of him flashed through my mind and heart.

I felt as if it were God telling me that my conscience was not clear and so I shouldn't proceed, but I was in denial. I did not want to be in love with another while I was already preparing to marry another man, but even though I had fought against my better judgment, I couldn't rid my heart of what it knew and where it was guiding me. I know that I may sound ridiculous, but I'm clearly and truly in love with this other man.

I would like to know if you have any advice for me regarding a love letter that I have already begun to write to him. I want to win his interest and love and I don't know how. I don't mean any disrespect or pain to him or to anyone regarding my problem, but I feel that whether or not he returns my sentiments, I must tell him, at least to clear my heart. I would like to share my life with him, and if I can't do this, it is important to me that I'm close to him. How can I win his affections and how can I persuade him to understand in my letter?

GENTLE READER: Why does Miss Manners have the creepy feeling that you already have a letter that is overdue? That is the one in which you tell your husband that through no fault of his, you find you cannot go on with the marriage.

If that is done, you merely have to tell the other gentleman in question that you are divorcing and would like to renew your acquaintance with him. Trust Miss Manners, he will not have a difficult time figuring out why.

As to how he will react, you will have to take your chances. Miss Manners does not dispense love potions. But she does advise you to refrain from telling him about your thoughts at the altar, as she dearly hopes you have refrained from telling your husband. It is not so much flattering to the object of your fantasies as it is scary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to send an anniversary card to a fairly recent widow? I would like to honor her by remembering their wonderful love, but he passed late last year and I'm not sure of the proper etiquette.

GENTLE READER: "Happy anniversary" is not exactly the message to send. No doubt the greeting card industry has come up with something like "Sorry your husband isn't there to celebrate," but Miss Manners warns you that canned sentiments won't do. It would be kind of you to write the lady a letter saying that you are thinking of her on this day and feel enriched by the example of her marriage.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there any proper way to discourage relatives from using us as vacation headquarters, and still maintain a relationship? Over the years, they have become more and more rude when staying with us. We are moving soon to an even more attractive vacation spot and anticipate even more visits. Any suggestions on how to let them know we are tired of it all?

GENTLE READER: You mean such as, "No offense, but we're really tired of you?"

Not a good idea. People have a funny way of feeling insulted when you let them know that you are sick of them. It is therefore prudent to leave them in some doubt.

Since you are moving, Miss Manners suggests starting by saying that you are not yet prepared for guests. If they stay in the area anyway, quickly invite them for dinner -- for several days after their arrival. You are accustoming them to being on their own.

In any case, the next time they volunteer to be your guests, you will have to confess that you never put together a guest room, but are using the space for a library, den, workout room or whatever. If you do have a room with an extra bed, Miss Manners recommends piling it with cartons before they come to town.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner of many years and I gave "commitment" rings to each other, mine an expensive diamond, hers an inexpensive wedding band. We have broken up, since I walked away from an unsharing relationship. I had given her many pieces of expensive Czech crystal and glass. She says now that she need not give back anything, including the ring since it was a gift.

I accept that the glass was a gift in each case and have asked for none of it returned. Usually the advice is to give back both rings since they will only bring up bad memories. What is your opinion, and what is the standard correct etiquette in such a case?

GENTLE READER: It depends on how you define a commitment, even an unsharing one. If you considered it a marriage, she keeps the ring. If you considered it a commitment to be married, also known as an engagement, she gives it back. Your choice.

But wait, no, it's not. Your erstwhile partner maintains possession and has already declared it a nonsymbolic present unrelated to the future of the relationship. As unconvincing as this is, Miss Manners would not advise you to hope for it back.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father, a clergyman for the last 50 years, was taught in seminary that reverend is a written title only, never a spoken one. Proper spoken titles are rabbi, pastor, father, mother, sister, brother, minister, doctor, mr., mrs., ms., Your Grace and the like.

Of course, I don't expect Hollywood to know this -- and they don't -- but I have heard ministers refer to themselves as Reverend So And So. I have even heard some "high church" types call my dear, dedicated, unpretentious father Parson German Church in a rather mean tone of voice. Is it now acceptable to call yourself reverend?

GENTLE READER: No, it is commonplace but still incorrect. Miss Manners would imagine the clergy to be especially wary of using the argument that if everyone does something, it must be all right.

Besides, this usage is not quite seemly. Miss Manners is confident that those who err do not mean to be arrogant, but it is a bit as if the pope were to refer to himself as My Holiness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend got married about a year ago, and I consider her and her husband both to be very good friends. My problem is that she calls me to vent every time she has a problem with her husband.

I understand the need for people to vent, but all of it is stuff that her husband would be humiliated or angry to know she was telling me. She repeats their fights word for word, tells me all about her husband's depression, private stuff about her husband's family (whom she dislikes greatly), gossip about her husband's friends and co-workers, etc. She always says, "He would kill me if he knew I told you this, but..."

I want to be there for her, but some things I am plain not interested in hearing. I was raised that private family stuff should be kept private. She wants more than just an ear -- she wants me to help her analyze what they really meant.

I don't know how to ask her, without hurting her feelings, to either tone down the level of info she gives me or maybe talk to someone else. I've tried, but if we're on the phone she'll talk over me and then end the call; if we're face-to-face, she'll get incredibly offended and try to pick a fight.

The truth is that she gets a thrill out of sharing confidential information, and has been this way for as long as I've known her. I can't just ignore her, because I babysit for her child. Any thoughts?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners were you, she would be thinking about getting a new best friend, even if it entailed finding a new babysitting job. Because your friend has always been like that, you might think about what she must be telling others about you.

It is not Miss Manners' job to break up friendships, however, and you have not proposed to do so. Merely to discourage these confidences, she would advise "being there" -- not for your friend, but for those who are, in fact, not there.

A few rounds of "Your poor husband is depressed -- you should go easy on him" and "Your mother-in-law has a point" and "They sound like people I would like" should dramatically dampen her desire for these discussions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does one give a gift for a grandchild for a piano recital? If so, what? I have two grandchildren, one 10 (girl) the other 8 (boy), and they are both having a piano recital on the same day, but I have no idea as to what is correct to do or rather what is expected.

GENTLE READER: You are expected to endure the entire recital -- not only the pieces played by your relatives, but everybody else's contributions as well -- with an expression of bliss on your face and hands that beat together at every opportunity. Afterward, you are expected to distribute compliments with abandon: to your grandchildren, to the other children, to their parents and to the teacher.

Musicians like to unwind after a performance, and so you might also consider taking them out afterward for a treat. That is optional, but replying to their post-performance questions by assuring them that any mistakes they mention went unnoticed is not.

Miss Manners would consider all that generous enough. You do not want them expecting every occasion to be an opportunity to collect.

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