DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend got married about a year ago, and I consider her and her husband both to be very good friends. My problem is that she calls me to vent every time she has a problem with her husband.

I understand the need for people to vent, but all of it is stuff that her husband would be humiliated or angry to know she was telling me. She repeats their fights word for word, tells me all about her husband's depression, private stuff about her husband's family (whom she dislikes greatly), gossip about her husband's friends and co-workers, etc. She always says, "He would kill me if he knew I told you this, but..."

I want to be there for her, but some things I am plain not interested in hearing. I was raised that private family stuff should be kept private. She wants more than just an ear -- she wants me to help her analyze what they really meant.

I don't know how to ask her, without hurting her feelings, to either tone down the level of info she gives me or maybe talk to someone else. I've tried, but if we're on the phone she'll talk over me and then end the call; if we're face-to-face, she'll get incredibly offended and try to pick a fight.

The truth is that she gets a thrill out of sharing confidential information, and has been this way for as long as I've known her. I can't just ignore her, because I babysit for her child. Any thoughts?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners were you, she would be thinking about getting a new best friend, even if it entailed finding a new babysitting job. Because your friend has always been like that, you might think about what she must be telling others about you.

It is not Miss Manners' job to break up friendships, however, and you have not proposed to do so. Merely to discourage these confidences, she would advise "being there" -- not for your friend, but for those who are, in fact, not there.

A few rounds of "Your poor husband is depressed -- you should go easy on him" and "Your mother-in-law has a point" and "They sound like people I would like" should dramatically dampen her desire for these discussions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does one give a gift for a grandchild for a piano recital? If so, what? I have two grandchildren, one 10 (girl) the other 8 (boy), and they are both having a piano recital on the same day, but I have no idea as to what is correct to do or rather what is expected.

GENTLE READER: You are expected to endure the entire recital -- not only the pieces played by your relatives, but everybody else's contributions as well -- with an expression of bliss on your face and hands that beat together at every opportunity. Afterward, you are expected to distribute compliments with abandon: to your grandchildren, to the other children, to their parents and to the teacher.

Musicians like to unwind after a performance, and so you might also consider taking them out afterward for a treat. That is optional, but replying to their post-performance questions by assuring them that any mistakes they mention went unnoticed is not.

Miss Manners would consider all that generous enough. You do not want them expecting every occasion to be an opportunity to collect.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently visited a remote tropical island where, upon my departure, the local inhabitants insisted on killing and eating a giant sea turtle in my honor. I do eat meat, but not turtle. Though I thanked them and ate it with a smile, was that the wrong thing to do?

GENTLE READER: As opposed to our own native habit of saying, "Yuck, how can you eat such a thing?" and then lecturing the hosts on nutrition, ecology or the sea turtle's point of view?

You would never know it from America's dining tables, Miss Manners realizes, but it is offensive to criticize other people's food or eating habits. Of course, it is also rude to monitor what guests do or do not eat, which is equally common in our society, but there is an exception. And you have run smack into it.

Between cultures, whether they are countries or ethnic groups within the same country, food is a test of whether outsiders are worthy. So unless you have an excuse that seems beyond your control (and is accompanied by a look of regret and longing), such as an allergy or a religious restriction, eat up and declare it the best thing you ever tasted. It is good training for a career as a diplomat or politician.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an acquaintance who, when asked "How are you?" always answers, "Better than I deserve."

She does this constantly. Even in restaurants to waiters. It drives me and several other of her acquaintances nuts. Although I have tried to ignore it and no longer ask, "How are you?" other unsuspecting people do, and are invariably at a loss for words. What does one say to that? She thinks she is being very cute. (Incidentally, she is 75 years old and not nearly as cute as she thinks she is.)

Do you have any suggestions for a rejoinder that would curtail this response? I hate to be rude to her, but I did on one occasion say, "I am sure that is so." It did not faze her. Most people just stare at her or look away.

Why does she, as well as many other people, think that "How are you?" is anything other than just a greeting? Not an inquiry into their health, mental or otherwise?

Incidentally, avoiding her is not an option as we are in a number of activities together, including church.

She also picks her teeth with her finger during meals. We have offered her toothpicks as a hint. She always accepts and then uses them. One friend even offered her dental floss. We held our collective breath in the hope that she would not use it at the table.

GENTLE READER: She will, though. With a lot of patience, you may be able to teach a 5-year-old that she is not as cute as she thinks she is, and that she must observe basic table manners. You will not be able to do so with a 75-year-old, and it is not even your business to try. Miss Manners is afraid that you will have to look the other way, especially during meals.

The rejoinder does not require a reply. And Miss Manners finds the ploy of offering the lady toothpicks and dental floss not as cute as you think it is. Your sarcasm is passing unnoticed.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been separated for two years. We have three adult children and three young grandchildren. He is much closer to many members of my family than his own family and therefore we are in social situations often. We have a friendly relationship.

He started dating about six months ago and although I already knew this, he only informed me one week before his big 60th birthday party. He gave me a courtesy call. It took him two hours to finally stop by me to introduce her.

I have since been told that it was my place to initiate the introductions. I fail to see the logic in that. Whose responsibility was it?

GENTLE READER: Just when Miss Manners believes that the annals of etiquette contain rulings on everything and she can retreat to the porch swing, a new issue comes along. Whoops, we forgot to rule on the issue of precedence in instances of friendly husbands introducing their wives and mistresses.

Indeed, the wife does have seniority. But if you have managed to maintain friendly relations under such volatile circumstances, Miss Manners would not advise risking them on this point.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I enjoy fruit after lunch and dinner. I'm afraid, however, that we don't know how to eat fruit with a knife and fork, but would like to learn. Would Miss Manners be so kind as to give a lesson? We promise not to show off our newly learned skills on future guests who haven't yet learned (or torture them, or make them feel inferior).

GENTLE READER: That's all right -- you can commit proper table manners in front of your guests. Just don't peer at them to check whether they are doing it right. That might be hard to avoid if they have apples or bananas protruding from their mouths, but remember that they may be employing equally correct, if less formal, manners.

The basic way of eating fruit with the small, narrow but sharp fruit knife and fork is to stab with the fork, cut the fruit into halves or quarters with the knife, and then convey pieces to the mouth with the fork. Miss Manners is speaking here of apples, pears, peaches and even bananas, but would not advise trying this with anything small or squishy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently, before church, a lady asked for my address, as she was planning a social event. Instead of recording my address in her address book, she hands me an envelope (which I wrote my address on, in shock), an envelope which I received in the mail this morning. This lady is prone to planning events in which guests are commanded (sometimes in detail) to bring their own food, drink, utensils, chairs, and entertainment. Why she supposes that she is the person doing the hosting, I cannot say. But at any rate, must we "guests" be expected to address our own invitations as well?

GENTLE READER: And your own expression of regret at not being able to attend, Miss Manners would think.

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