DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does one say (if anything) when one overhears profanity by the teenagers who hang out at the same park where one brings one's toddlers?

This is a regular occurrence where I live. The little ones play on the playground equipment, and the 12-17s hang out nearby playing catch or talking loudly. The profanity isn't directed abuse, but rather the unfortunate habits of conversational profanity that seem to be common among the younger teens. (e.g., "Harry, throw me the f_____g ball!").

In ?the past I've ignored the language, and I've also glared at the offender. Last week I spoke rather sharply to the above-mentioned Harry, stating that neither I, nor my toddlers, needed to hear that kind of language. None of these options seems correct, and the only other option I see is to deny my little ones the playground -- an option which annoys me quite a bit.

GENTLE READER: It is good of you to attempt to bring up strange teenagers when you must surely have your hands full with your own toddlers.

But then, you did not exactly take a pedagogical tone with the offenders, and you did make it clear that it is for your children's benefit that you want to clean up the playground.

It is not going to work. The days of "Yes, Ma'am, I'm sorry, please don't tell my mother" are gone. You are more likely to bring on the natural reaction to being scolded by a stranger, which will not be pleasant for you or for your children to see.

Miss Manners does not disagree with your taking offense at offensive language. But she believes that your time would be better spent setting a higher standard for your own children by speaking sharply to them when they begin to repeat words that they are bound to hear everywhere.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a college student who will be spending her summer doing Good Work, which is to say canvassing for an environmental cause. This work will involve asking for donations. Unfortunately, I am the first to recognize that this kind of work can quickly devolve into being a professional nuisance, and many people respond (not exactly without reason) to the sight of a clipboard-carrying stranger on their doorstep with dread.

I'm hoping you might be willing to give me some advice on how to conduct myself in a proper manner. I know I will be obliged to pretend to not see people ducking behind their curtains and pretending to not be at home as soon as they see me (having used that ruse a few times myself!) and must always thank people for their time even when I've been cussed out thoroughly, but I'm wondering how to handle trickier issues like forestalling people hostile to my cause from drawing me into political arguments on their front stoop, how to react to having a door shut in my face, etc.

GENTLE READER: Just keep in mind why you pretended not to be at home when you saw clipboard-carrying strangers on your own doorstop. Remembering that it can be a nuisance to be interrupted at home for a pitch, even if it is for a good cause, should prompt you to be grateful to those who listen to you, and tolerant of those who do not.

Miss Manners hopes that the latter will retreat politely. But if doors are shut in your face, you should not take it personally. And if counter-pitches are made to you, political or otherwise, you should avail yourself of the courteous negative response that your targets can use: "Thank you, but please excuse me."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of the pleasures of my life is spirited discussion and debate. I love to discuss both concrete and abstract topics. And there's no time I enjoy such discussions more than when I'm socializing with friends at a party or at a bar.

My problem is that I've long since observed that a good many persons are alienated, or feel excluded, by such discussions. Even when I avoid the more controversial issues of religion and politics, I sense that most people (outside my immediate circle) resent the implication that they should have to engage in strenuous mental activity in what is, after all, their time to relax and unwind.

I think this is entirely reasonable, and so I generally try to keep discussion light when in unfamiliar company -- following Disraeli's advice that in society nothing must be discussed. This is a small sacrifice.

But I wonder if it might be excessive -- and whether I might be inadvertently excluding potential participants. My question to you, Miss Manners, is whether there is a socially appropriate way to engage in debate or serious discussion in a party atmosphere.

GENTLE READER: Not if someone is already attempting to find out whether the bartender thinks that life has any real meaning.

Parties and bars are not the proper venue for holding serious discussions. This is not only a matter of putting the effort into thought -- it's the noise level, the interruptions to recognize other people, the noise level, and the need to refresh drinks. And did Miss Manners mention the noise level?

But such gatherings are excellent places to identify people with whom to have serious conversations elsewhere. Have you never heard of "Why don't we go some place quiet where we can talk?"

Oh, wait. That might mean something else. Mentioning coffee adds respectability, Miss Manners is given to understand.

You are probably not going to attract many partygoers by appearing to be holding a private seminar with your immediate circle. But if anyone stops to listen to an ongoing conversation, you should fill the newcomer in on what has been said, and then pause to exchange acquaintance-making questions. An interested person will soon lead you back to your topic.

A better method is the ordinary party procedure: You exchange small talk with someone new, toss out an idea or two, and see if any are tossed back, rather than let drop. Parties being what they are, your conversation will be interrupted just as it gets interesting. And that is the time for you to suggest getting together elsewhere.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepdaughter will marry soon. Several immediate family members have asked me to keep the bride's mother -- my wife -- under control at the wedding. At my stepson's wedding, when my stepdaughter introduced a friend to her father with, "Dad, I'd like you to meet Jane Doe; Jane, this is my father," my (sober) wife said in a loud voice, "He's just the sperm donor!"

In addition to uttering such a rude statement, I believed it poorly reflected the truth. The father of my stepchildren is an upstanding man, and met his support obligations resulting from the divorce. He has maintained a good relationship with his children, and with me.

What do I say to my wife to try to avoid a repeat performance?

GENTLE READER: "I hope you won't put me in a position where I will have to defend him in public."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The wife of our neighbor committed suicide in their place two days ago. With many police, detectives, and the medical examiner all over our sidewalks for most of the evening and night, it was an unavoidable major event.

He was visibly distraught and obviously uncomfortable around the neighbors that night, and has gone away for a few days.

What can we say to him when he returns? To say nothing to him would feel like shunning him and would be cruel, yet almost anything we could say might be painful. I might add she was young and, we thought, happy; this was not an end-of-life choice for medical reasons.

GENTLE READER: You don't know that. With your lack of success in diagnosing the lady's emotional state, Miss Manners is surprised that you are now making medical pronouncements.

But you do not need to know the motivation of this lady's suicide to offer condolences to her husband. You are neither the doctors nor the coroners in this case, but merely the neighbors. And the job of neighbors is only to say how sorry they are about his loss and to offer any practical assistance they can.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son and his then fiancee announced via Web site post that they have decided to change their last name to a new name when they married. This caught many family members by surprise (as well as many wedding guests who had not necessarily read their Web site and then were confused when the new couple were announced as Mr. & Mrs. New Name).

It has been about a year since then, and although they use the new name in correspondence, e-mail and Web sites, they apparently have taken no steps to change their names legally, so at this point, I suppose, the new name has the status of an alias. Drivers' licenses, social security cards, checking accounts, etc., are all still in their legal names.

To what extent is the family obligated to use the new name? When we send them e-mail, cards and letters, on checks as gifts, when we introduce them to friends, when we send out intra-family address list updates?

Hard feelings were created when the new name was sprung on the family and was not immediately acclaimed to be the best idea since shoelaces. We are trying to smooth over the rough spot in the relationship, but are unsure how to proceed.

GENTLE READER: How much are you willing to annoy your son and daughter-in-law? Miss Manners assures you that refusing to use the name you know they have chosen will do a good job of that.

The invented surname is one of several solutions people have sought to the problem of representing both families when a new one is created. None of them has solved the problem, but we no longer have a standardized system of nomenclature.

It therefore behooves people to respect the individual choices that are made when these are known. Miss Manners also expects the choosers to be tolerant about when honest mistakes are made by those not in a position to know, but that excuse is of no use to you. You can either use the names they announced or you can take the consequences of becoming a constant irritant to them.

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