DEAR MISS MANNERS: I moved to France six months ago for my job, and, for the most part, the experience has been wonderful. I have fallen in love with the French way of life. But one part of their system of etiquette has bothered me since I came here: the kiss "hello" and "goodbye."

I feel it is absolutely disgusting, a waste of time (as one must do it with every person that walks into a room), and a deep violation of my personal space, especially when I run into people that I don't like. I have told the Americans that I know here that I don't like it, and most of them respect that, but one always leans in for it, and does not stop pestering me until I do it.

Do I have the right as a foreigner to say that I don't like this specific part of their culture? If I do, how do I tell people that I don't want to do it, before they even lean in for it (I often have to kiss people "hello" that I have never met before, and I'm constantly meeting new people) without starting a culture war? I've tried pretending to be sick, but I cannot use that continually. Should I just tough it out?

GENTLE READER: You certainly should refrain from criticizing it as a part of French culture. This would be not only rude, but laughable, since the custom has long since spread to many parts of the United States.

Mind you, Miss Manners more or less shares your feeling about this. She does not go so far as to think social kissing disgusting and a deep violation, but she does think it silly and undignified. Dropping formality to pretend that everyone is on instantly lovey terms with everyone else, even strangers, strikes her as childish.

Wait -- isn't that what the French have always said about American manners? And don't they react with horror at the idea of American informality spreading to France?

All right, payback time. If you promise to do it with politeness and humor, Miss Manners will allow you to lie in wait for just such a complaint and then trot out the kissy-poo example.

In the meantime, she hopes you will not make an issue of it with people who are only following the prevailing convention. However, you are at liberty to minimize the effect by positioning your leaning at a parallel 4-inch distance from the face of your greeter. The classic version of this custom is air-kissing, not facial smooching.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who constantly refers to herself in the third person, i.e., ?"Jenny never eats red meat," or "Jenny loves to go to the movies!" What is the best way to deal with this wholly annoying habit?

GENTLE READER: How would Miss Manners know?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a patent attorney and when we submit our material to the Patent Office, we frequently write "Sir:" and ?then continue with the documentation.

However, ?clearly a problem arises in responding to the female patent examiners. Obviously I do not know the marital ?status of the patent examiners, so my question is how do I address the unnamed patent examiner, especially ?when I can gauge by experience level that they are likely older?

I believe that "Miss" seems far too ?informal for what is a very formal document and ?inappropriate for the fact that a number of the female ?examiners with experience are older women. "Ma'am" sounds too old-fashioned and doesn't look appropriate ?for formal communication. I believe "Madam" really ?should only be used if I am certain as to marital ?status. Any help with this situation would be ?appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Congratulations on inventing your own dictionary of definitions. Only you are unlikely to be successful by forcing your own beliefs on ones that already have conventional definitions in general circulation.

"Madam" is simply the female equivalent of "Sir. " The contraction "Ma'am" is for use in spoken address only, as is "Miss," which is only used to get the attention of someone who isn't looking, such as a waitress or a pedestrian about to walk into traffic.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How quickly should one respond to personal e-mail?

I seem to remember a snail-mail rule that one was supposed to have a reply ready for the next post. Does a similar guideline exist in netiquette?

I'm asking because I have a list of several dozen far-flung friends to whom I send a group e-mail every week or so. I do this not only to let them know what my wife and I are up to but also to stimulate some sort of reply so I can keep up with them. Alas, relatively few respond. In fact, the biggest response came when I was sick recently and could barely lift my head, let alone dash off a witty communique. The brief absence of e-mail prompted several folks to write in, saying they missed my missives.

I suppose it's nice to be missed, but I'd rather receive the e-mail. I should hasten to point out that I respond swiftly to personal and work-related e-mails.

GENTLE READER: Charming as it is to compare your correspondence with the old custom of friends' regularly exchanging letters, Miss Manners is unconvinced. What you are doing is sending out a mass newsletter to people who have not shown interest in entering into a regular exchange.

They seem pleased enough to receive it, and Miss Manners does not mean to discourage you from continuing. But its being a hobby of yours does not require them to make it a hobby of theirs. You might try sending individualized letters that don't just report your activities but show interest in the particular life and interests of each potential correspondent separately to see if you can get a true exchange going. But not a weekly one. Invitations require immediate answers and duty letters must be timely, but it was never the case that chatty letters had to be answered by the very next post.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've read that it is acceptable to treat bacon strips as "finger food." A friend of mine argues that it is also acceptable to treat breakfast sausage links as finger food. I believe sausage links should be sliced and eaten with a fork.

Assuming we agree that breakfast sausage is not finger food, I have one more question. My friend will sometimes use a fork with her breakfast sausage, but she doesn't slice it into bite-size pieces. Instead, she stabs one end of the sausage link with her fork and then just bites off chunks as she goes (never really putting the fork down). I also believe this practice is improper. Who's right on this one?

GENTLE READER: Not the person who eats sausages as if they were lollipops, that's for sure. Why you choose to start the day with her, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

Sausages are eaten by hand only when they are discreetly enclosed in buns and eaten during baseball games. If you are eating breakfast at a reasonably formal restaurant, even bacon would not be finger food (which is a shame because it shatters when you attempt to eat it with a fork). If you share a home, Miss Manners would advise getting up after she has left the house.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am attending a trade school and there is a woman who attends the same school. We joined the same month and were in the same class for the first month. We sat next to each other in class and got along quite well. We then went off into separate tracks where we still see each other during breaks.

Here's the problem. I am convinced she is following rules from a book that strongly advocates that the female play hard-to-get. From what I remember, she is following its prescriptions to the letter.

I have never been suave with females and someone playing coy does absolutely nothing for me. If this whole idea is based on not communicating with me, how do I go about communicating the fact that she's completely wasting her time with these cutesy games and doing absolutely nothing to make herself more attractive to me?

I'd truly hate to give up on her as there did indeed seem to be something between us during that first month but I'm not about to play along and suggest that her game-playing did her any good.

GENTLE READER: You are therefore requesting a way to show interest in this lady while informing her that her behavior discouraged your interest. You are not asking much of Miss Manners, are you?

All right. You show interest in her by asking her out. If she refuses, you reply cheerfully, "Well, I know how busy you must be, so I won't pester you. But I'd be very pleased if you called me." And then you do nothing but greet her pleasantly when your paths happen to cross.

If she calls you, you were either mistaken or she has given up playing hard to get. If she never calls you, you are free to believe that it was out of coyness rather than disinterest, but the result is the same.

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