DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were invited to a dinner party at which my husband was seated at the main table next to the hostess, and I was seated at a far table in a corner, with my back to the other guests.

I made the best of it by engaging in warm conversation with those seated with me, but left at the end of the evening feeling like I would not care to accept another invitation to this woman's house. My husband only noticed when I brought it to his attention on our drive home.

Can you offer me any thoughts on the situation and advise me on how to respond if and when we are invited again? It certainly is a good reminder to be thoughtful and sensitive when we do seating charts for dinner parties. I don't need to be seated next to my husband, although many couples were, but I didn't appreciate being seated out in Siberia!

GENTLE READER: You have been exposed to too many headwaiters. They are the ones who invented the idea of Siberian tables, reaping a tidy side income from those buying their way out. You make it sound as if you were put in time out, facing the wall, but Miss Manners notices that there were other guests with you. She doubts that the hosts meant to insult them.

Yes, seating should be done sensitively, but it is attitudes such as this that make hosts give up and say, "Oh, sit anywhere."

And then people find themselves next to those with whom they have nothing in common -- or too much in common, as is the case with married couples. The purpose of a dinner party is to mix people with others who might interest them, not to give couples a night out to focus on each other.

Except at official functions, where rank might have to take precedence over compatibility, the only rules are to place a guest of honor, or the oldest person present, or the newcomer in a familiar circle, next to the host or hostess. After that, it is a matter of pairing people who are apt to discover conversational topics of mutual interest. If there are several tables, one way of avoiding the appearance of favoritism is to put one spouse near a host and the other not, so no one family would be given one position or the other.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many decades ago, I took a female high school classmate to the prom. For many years, I blamed her for the crummy time we had that evening.

Now, through the wonder of a loving and caring partner, I have come to realize that it was entirely my fault. My attempts to be "funny" were insulting and rude. I feel terrible about this. Should I attempt to contact this person and apologize, or is it better to avoid reminding her of what must have been a horrible experience.

GENTLE READER: It depends on how thoroughly you have gotten over your high school arrogance. Miss Manners can imagine your making this into an amusing, self-deprecating story that could well be appreciated. But if there is any danger of your implying that you were of such importance to the lady that she must still be smarting over this decades later, it would only go to show that you had not really changed.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am engaged to a young lady and would like to purchase an appropriate wedding gift. I am currently looking at strings of pearls, which, if given as a wedding gift, I would hope she could wear on the day of the nuptials.

Is it appropriate for the groom to give the bride a set of black Tahitian pearls with matching earrings? Would it be improper or a fashion error for her to wear the black pearls for the ceremony, or should I shop for white? She, of course, will be wearing a white dress.

GENTLE READER: Even if this question were not in the context of your forthcoming wedding, Miss Manners would have known that you were not yet married. You apparently have never dealt with the paradox of a wife's loving to be surprised with an extravagant present but resenting being told what to wear.

Black Tahitian pearls are a magnificent present, and they go with everything, except possibly a wedding dress. That is not a dictate from Miss Manners, who has not seen the dress or been able to guess how strictly your bride wants to adhere to the tradition of wearing white. It is merely a warning that your bride may think so, and -- however much she may appreciate the pearls -- not appreciate having her look changed at the last minute.

It would be safer to spoil the surprise, although not the pretense of the surprise, by asking the opinion of the bride's mother or her maid of honor or anyone else you can count upon to break your confidence, tell her, and come back with the right answer. Another approach would be to give her the pearls on your wedding trip.

Or you could give up and give her white pearls, which are the classic accompaniment to wedding attire. But although Miss Manners doesn't know how the lady feels, she hates to give up on the black ones.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have finally graduated college at the age of 28. My family strongly feels that I should send out graduation announcements to the extended family and friends not only because they are proud of me, but for the monetary gifts that might result.

I, however, am rather embarrassed that it took me so long to graduate and do not want to trumpet the fact to my friends and relatives. I also am uncomfortable with sending out the "plea for money" that graduation announcements seem to entail at my age.

Is it wrong for me to strip my parents of their pride in my graduation by not sending out announcements or is this something that I can quietly sweep under the rug as I would like to do? BTW, my education was paid for entirely by myself so I do not "owe" my parents anything in terms of showing appreciation to them for my education.

GENTLE READER: You would not be stripping your parents of their pride. Nothing is stopping them from writing letters to everyone they know telling them of your graduation. For that matter, nothing is stopping them from sending around fundraising pleas, if that is what they wish to do.

However, Miss Manners congratulates you, first on your graduation and second on your refusal to use it to shake down others. A graduation announcement is innocent enough in itself, but in this case tarnished by the hopes that would be pinned on it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a situation where a husband has had an affair, and this has become known to the wife, and the husband and wife have decided together to discontinue the affair and continue with the marriage -- who else may know of the affair, if anyone?

May the wife confide in her closest friends, or is this asking for trouble of the endless "Why do you stay with him?" kind?

It seems very grim to weather such a storm without anyone to confide in --but it also seems risky. And the couple's parents? It seems very hard for the wife to have to continue hearing from her mother-in-law what a prize she has, under these circumstances, but neither does it seem right to reveal such private marital details.

If no one may know except the people directly involved, what do you think is the best way for the wife to explain to her friends why she seems "so weird lately"?

GENTLE READER: "Stress." That's what everyone else cites as an excuse for strange -- even rude -- behavior, so it doesn't fan much curiosity. "I'll be all right; I don't feel like talking about it right now" is usually enough to quell the probing.

But this is far from solving the problem. There is an urgent need for a sympathetic ear, but Miss Manners has to confirm your realization that this rarely, if ever, comes without a price. Even the closest partisans will weigh in with advice and will show their distaste to the husband long after the couple may have put the episode behind them. Furthermore, they may unburden themselves to confidantes of their own, and the story will soon be all over town.

Ethical professional counselors will not do that, but one can hardly expect them to refrain from giving advice, which is what people go to them to get. Also, they tend to assume that the fault must not be all on one side, putting the faithful partner in the unpleasant position of sharing some blame.

So, yes -- it is harsh not to be able to talk about this but risky to do so.

One confidence you ought to make is to the person who already knows -- your husband. Miss Manners suggests that you confide what it is that you may be driven to reply unless he persuades his mother to stop telling you how lucky you are.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It drives me nuts when on the phone the person I'm speaking with will say, "Well, I'll let you go."

Does that mean I have permission to hang up? Shouldn't hanging up the phone be a mutual thing and not something requiring permission from one to the other? Or am I the one who is irritating by this bothering me?

GENTLE READER: Probably not, but Miss Manners would like to convince you that it is a useful new-ish convention. It implies that the other person's time is more valuable than one's own. And it beats the sign-off of "I think I hear my mother calling me."

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