DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm not sure yet how formal my daughter will want her wedding to be, but I know we will have a dilemma with both invitations and etiquette during the wedding traditions prior and during the ceremony.

My daughter's father had a sex change a few years ago and is now a woman. My daughter has had some difficulty figuring out what to call her former father and dealing with his newly acquired expertise in being a woman. He/she has a new female first name and new surname (so our daughter's name matches none of ours) but has not come up with a new familial name for herself. Our daughter was adamant that he/she not call herself "mother" when he/she used that once. (Please forgive me, Miss Manners, but using proper grammar here gets really difficult in this uncharted territory!)

My husband, the stepfather, has been much more distressed with this sex change than I. Though it's been almost five years and our paths with the former father occasionally overlap socially, out of respect for my husband's feelings, not all of our friends know what has happened. We have still referred to the former father as a male.

Can you please give me any advice how to handle the wordings both for a formal invitation and, if there is a correct etiquette for a less-formal wedding invitation? Also, any advice on pre-parties as well as the wedding ceremonies and reception.

We really hope that the former father can participate in this joyous event, but there is a real concern the shock factor for people who don't know, and that her/his loving to be the center of attention, will overshadow what this celebration should really be about.

GENTLE READER: People are going to notice anyway. If there is a party the night before, you might consider taking your former husband around and reintroducing her to your circle so that the guests can get over the surprise before the ceremony and focus on that event rather than its provenance.

The rest of it is not difficult, Miss Manners promises you. You should treat your daughter's father -- and that this person did father her does not change retroactively -- with dignity, but you needn't offer explanations. A formal invitation would come from "Mr. and Mrs. Clive Carvington and Ms. Catherine Tyson," and an informal one would be as a letter from you saying that you, your husband and Annabel's father, Catherine Tyson, would be pleased ... etc.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: From the bowl, to the stem, and to the base of the glass, what is the proper way to hold the glass? From red wine to a delicate white, does it change? I use the stem because it is more comfortable. But what is the proper way to hold the glass? Is it an egregious social sin to hold the glass by the bowl?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners fears that it may turn out to be a moral sin if you give wine fanatics heart attacks by holding a glass of white wine by the bowl and thus imparting unwanted warmth from your hand. Red wine may be cradled like that, but glasses of chilled wine should be held by the stem.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A glass of Chianti, or perhaps even an Amarone, is a fine accompaniment to the pasta della casa at a fine Italian restaurant. The wine rounds out the meal, the clink of glasses adds to the ambiance, and the mood at the table mellows in warmth and tranquility.

Alas, then what is one to do when one cannot well tolerate alcohol, and when one's dinner partner insists that one drink to be sociable?

Although I love the taste of a fine red wine, more than half a glass makes my face red, and a few evenings like this results in a rash. Can the other person really not enjoy himself or herself if I do not partake of the wine, too (could I have a tea or water?), and am I committing a serious social faux pas?

It puzzles me why a set table and pleasant conversation are not enough to be sociable, and I certainly don't require the other person to drink the same thing as myself.

So as not to spoil the mood, sometimes I accept splitting a bottle of wine, but my glass sits nearly untouched during the meal except for a few obligatory sips. It is such a waste, especially if the dinner companion cannot finish the bottle alone.

Could Miss Manners please enlighten me as to a gracious way to excuse oneself from drinking alcohol while still maintaining the pleasure of one's company so as not to deter the dinner companion from future dinners together? Or is it a lost cause, and ardent drinkers cannot socialize with nondrinkers?

GENTLE READER: No one should socialize with tabletop bullies, neither the kind of bullies who try to force people to eat more than they want, nor the even worse ones who try to force others to drink. That is the social error, no matter how it seems to be disguised with conviviality and hospitality.

It puzzles Miss Manners that you seem to want to hang on to someone whose evening would be improved if only you were willing to complete it by suffering a rash. There is no compromise to be made with your comfort, perhaps your health, or with etiquette. The gracious manner of declining food or drink is, "No, thank you," and the gracious, not to say decent, response is to let it go at that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: ?My job requires me to contact and schedule service calls for our customers. The area in which I work is a melting pot of the world, and a lot of the names of my customers are very difficult to pronounce. Sometimes I don't even know where to begin.

I was raised to call people Mr. and Mrs., and I have always used that in the workplace with my customers; however, I struggle with these unfamiliar names! Is it more polite to call and attempt to pronounce their name as I butcher it or use their first name (which is also sometimes difficult to pronounce)? I don't want to offend any of our customers.

Up to this point, I've been crossing my fingers that I get an answering machine or just announcing myself when the phone is answered and hope I have the right person. What is your advice?

GENTLE READER: That you check the pronunciation with someone who is sure to know. It should be easy, as Miss Manners notes that you are calling that person anyway. You need only follow your identification of yourself and your business by saying, "Sir (or Ma'am), I don't want to mispronounce your last name -- could you please tell me how to say it?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 15 years old and I babysit for a family. I like babysitting for them, and love the little girl, but lately they have started paying me much below minimum wage, like $4 a hour! Until I am 16, I want to babysit for extra money.

I would love to stay babysitting for them, but I don't feel it is worth my time if I don't get paid very well. How can I tell them to pay me more? This is my only job until I can get a real one, so I'm not making as much money as I would like to.

GENTLE READER: Who is?

More to the point, you are not making what you reasonably expect to make. But evidently your employers do not realize that.

Miss Manners understands that you feel funny about mentioning what you charge because it seems rude. But the ban on discussing money matters does not apply to business. If you want to buy something, you want to be told what it costs. The next time these people call, you need only say politely, "I'd love to, but you should know that my rate is..." and give the amount.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I fear this sounds silly, and indeed I consider it so myself, but is there actually any rudeness in not holding a big wedding when one can afford it?

As soon as our engagement was announced, my fiance and I started fielding questions from friends about when and where the wedding will take place, always with the assumption that they would be invited.

The truth is, we will probably go to city hall with our parents and a handful of very close friends as witnesses, then go get celebratory ice cream sundaes. When we try to explain we won't be having a big ceremony and reception, many seem to take offense and consider us cheapskates.

That's the thing, you see -- theoretically, we could afford a giant wedding, but neither of us would enjoy such an event, nor would we consider that good use of our savings. I know it's possible to hold a reasonable, tasteful reception on a budget, but it requires enormous amounts of time and planning, and I must admit that organizing social events makes me terribly anxious and I dread the very thought.

The way I see it, we can either hire someone to plan everything, and spend more than we'd like, or organize it ourselves and thus make ourselves miserable, or have our tiny dream wedding and send our friends a postcard from the honeymoon.

Is it actually rude not to hold a reception? You'd think friends would be grateful to be spared another night of bad catering, not to mention the cost of travel, attire, and gifts!

GENTLE READER-- Perhaps your friends are so overcome with love for you and pleasure in your marriage that they long to witness it. In that case, you might consider a wedding that is big in the guest list but otherwise simple- an afternoon ceremony followed by ice cream sundaes and wedding cake, for example.

Miss Manners does not believe that is the reason you are being importuned any more than you do. Now that weddings so often comprise multiple extravagant events, people have come to regard them as festivals put on for their entertainment. You do not owe them that. Her only addition to your plan is to suggest that you refrain from announcing it beforehand and describe it in your postal cards as an elopement.

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