DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was divorced three years ago, and my children's mother asked that I take photos of my son before he went to the homecoming dance. I took the pictures, as requested, and e-mailed them to her.

Some of the photos that I e-mailed included both my son and my new stepdaughter. About a day later, I got back a response that said, "Very nice picture of Emmet. I did ask for pictures of Emmet, not Emmet and Angela. Try to redirect your passive-aggressive guilt-ridden behaviors somewhere else."

I would prefer to avoid receiving insults thinly disguised as psychological diagnoses. Is there any response that you can suggest? I don't want to return rudeness with rudeness, as I must maintain contact with my son's mother for at least another three years.

GENTLE READER: How about, "Oops, sorry, the pictures were all together, and I only meant to send you the ones of Emmet"?

Miss Manners hopes you do not consider this too tame. Whatever else may have occurred to you is bound to be rude or pseudo-analytic. Even an apology can be taken for sarcasm by someone determined to be insulted, but true passive-aggressive politeness is hard to counter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the years go by, I find myself an older woman in an interesting, varied workplace that consists mostly of men, many of them quite young. Sometimes someone will utter a four-letter word and then apologize to me. He's trying to be polite.

I'm not shocked or offended (not after being married to my husband for 16 years). I just want to be polite too, but I have trouble finding the right thing to say. "That's all right" doesn't seem to fit. At present I give a slight smile and a nod of the head, and feel awkward. Maybe I'd do better to act as if someone had burped and said, "Excuse me" (burp is a four-letter word, after all), and pretend that no such sound ever entered my shell-like ear. Can you help me find a good formula for response?

Oh, yes, another question -- when I lose my cool and utter a four-letter word or two myself, should I offer a similar apology to the men around me?

GENTLE READER: Oh, yes, and Miss Manners has a question for you: Why are you contributing to the dirty-word index?

You may argue that you are not contributing much, only an occasional slip. What disturbs her more is that by brushing it off, you are helping to normalize cursing.

She is not asking you to make a scene, nor to police your colleagues; both would be rude. She is not even asking you to make the point that swearing is worse in front of ladies. Gender distinctions do not belong in the office, but neither does swearing.

She is merely asking you to acknowledge the transgression by saying "Thank you" for the apology.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was involved in an event that was a little funny and at the same time a little aggravating. It was like the joke where the guy goes into the dressing room and thinks the person in the next booth is talking to him, only to find that that person is talking on a cell phone.

While I was in a restroom stall of a very busy office building, a man went into the stall next to mine and started a conversation. At first I was close to answering him, but fortunately I quickly realized that he was talking on his cell. Then I realized that I was about to make noises that should only be heard in a privy. Now I'm starting to feel embarrassed and a little angry at the thought of being broadcasted to who knows where.

I was at a loss. I didn't go to the restroom to listen to others conducting business on the phone. I've always been a little shy in public restrooms, and the idea of his call going to a meeting where the other party may be listening on a speakerphone did nothing for my confidence. So I just sat there hoping he would leave so I could finish in private.

Is it wrong for me to flush and make other noises that may disrupt his call?

GENTLE READER: Why do you feel that you would be the one to bear the embarrassment? Has it not occurred to you who the caller's listeners will imagine created those noises?

Miss Manners assures you that etiquette is contextual. What you did was not improper in a restroom; what the other person did was.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A baby shower invitation (for the guest of honor's second baby) that I received is trendy and rhymes, listing all the details necessary in an invitation. But included was a slip of paper (I thought it might be directions) that states, "This is not a shower, so no gifts please. However, there are contributions being taken for the "clean the stalls and feed the horses fund. We don't want ___ traipsing up and down the hill (to the barn) after giving birth."

I am puzzled how a baby shower can be turned into a feed the horses fund. I would think that she will be needing diapers and supplies!

Please advise! Should I even go? Should I bring a gift? Should I pretend that I didn't get that slip of paper with these instructions? I want to do the right thing, but am shocked at this kind of request.

GENTLE READER: The right thing for whom? For hungry horses? For someone who looks at those kind enough to honor her and sees disposable income?

Miss Manners is afraid that the hosts were correct in saying that this is not a baby shower. It is not intended to welcome the baby but to augment the income of the mother. You should treat it as you do other fund-raising events, which is to say, go only if you believe in the cause and are willing to support it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a writer whose latest invention is a sort of memoir. Some of it involves information that is quite personal, including abuse history. (I'll use a pseudonym.)

I am not one to divulge overly personal information with a new acquaintance on the first meeting; neither would I ever go on a talk show to air my dirty laundry. But I feel that a written work is somehow different.

What, if any, is the difference between a memoir in which personal information is being spread by way of print rather than in conversation with strangers? Obviously, the reader is not placed in the difficult position of having to listen -- if they don't like the book, they can put it down. Any other thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Another big difference is that you can claim you have done it for the sake of art. Miss Manners prefers that explanation to the one about how it makes you feel better to get everything out. The inattention to how it makes others feel seems to hang there in the silence.

As you point out, you have protected potentially reluctant confidantes by putting it into a book instead of into the ears of anyone you happen to meet. You are also protecting the abuser, which not everyone wants to do, by using a pseudonym. Miss Manners hopes that you are being equally considerate of others in your life who may not want to have their privacy violated, even if you treat them favorably.

But you are leaving yourself wide open. Strangers may now feel free to discuss your personal life with you, and you cannot depend on everyone's taking the sympathetic point of view with which you presumably present yourself. Nosiness is a big problem in modern society, and Miss Manners is constantly asked to supply polite ways to say "none of your business" to unauthorized questioners and advisers.

She would not be able to protect you, however. You will have made your personal life the business of your readers. Perhaps you do not mind that -- or you are willing to sacrifice yourself for the sake of art.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The rules for wearing white shoes in summer have me wondering. No white shoes after Labor Day is clear. But we do wear them on Labor Day weekend? What about Memorial Day weekend? Must we wait until Monday to wear our white shoes or spectator pumps? Or may we wear them on Saturday or Sunday of Memorial Day weekend?

GENTLE READER: Allow Miss Manners to thank you for not arguing about the validity of the rule. It is a source of amazement to her that of all the pronouncements she makes having to do with personal, professional and political life, this is the one that attracts the most vehement opposition.

Memorial Day (not Easter, as some claim) and Labor Day are the boundaries of the American white shoe season. The start of each would be just after midnight on that date, for those who are awake at that time but have not kicked their shoes under the drinks table. Therefore, the weekend before Memorial Day would be too early to begin, but the weekend before Labor Day occurs before the closing deadline.

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