DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a writer whose latest invention is a sort of memoir. Some of it involves information that is quite personal, including abuse history. (I'll use a pseudonym.)

I am not one to divulge overly personal information with a new acquaintance on the first meeting; neither would I ever go on a talk show to air my dirty laundry. But I feel that a written work is somehow different.

What, if any, is the difference between a memoir in which personal information is being spread by way of print rather than in conversation with strangers? Obviously, the reader is not placed in the difficult position of having to listen -- if they don't like the book, they can put it down. Any other thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Another big difference is that you can claim you have done it for the sake of art. Miss Manners prefers that explanation to the one about how it makes you feel better to get everything out. The inattention to how it makes others feel seems to hang there in the silence.

As you point out, you have protected potentially reluctant confidantes by putting it into a book instead of into the ears of anyone you happen to meet. You are also protecting the abuser, which not everyone wants to do, by using a pseudonym. Miss Manners hopes that you are being equally considerate of others in your life who may not want to have their privacy violated, even if you treat them favorably.

But you are leaving yourself wide open. Strangers may now feel free to discuss your personal life with you, and you cannot depend on everyone's taking the sympathetic point of view with which you presumably present yourself. Nosiness is a big problem in modern society, and Miss Manners is constantly asked to supply polite ways to say "none of your business" to unauthorized questioners and advisers.

She would not be able to protect you, however. You will have made your personal life the business of your readers. Perhaps you do not mind that -- or you are willing to sacrifice yourself for the sake of art.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The rules for wearing white shoes in summer have me wondering. No white shoes after Labor Day is clear. But we do wear them on Labor Day weekend? What about Memorial Day weekend? Must we wait until Monday to wear our white shoes or spectator pumps? Or may we wear them on Saturday or Sunday of Memorial Day weekend?

GENTLE READER: Allow Miss Manners to thank you for not arguing about the validity of the rule. It is a source of amazement to her that of all the pronouncements she makes having to do with personal, professional and political life, this is the one that attracts the most vehement opposition.

Memorial Day (not Easter, as some claim) and Labor Day are the boundaries of the American white shoe season. The start of each would be just after midnight on that date, for those who are awake at that time but have not kicked their shoes under the drinks table. Therefore, the weekend before Memorial Day would be too early to begin, but the weekend before Labor Day occurs before the closing deadline.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you have any suggestions on how to announce to friends to stop taking tastes of my food and/or beverage?

One friend happily took her straw out of her drink and announced, "I'd like to taste that."

I responded, "Oh, I don't like people tasting my drinks or taking portions of my meal." She apologized.

Another time, another friend announced to the food server, "I am on a diet so I'll have a few of her fries."

I said to him, "Please order some because I don't like people picking from my plate."

I believe I am considered unfriendly or selfish by wanting them to eat their meals and let me eat my meal. One waitress brought two spoons with my dessert in case I wanted to "share." I returned the spoon to her.

One Sunday, a friend who attends many formal business lunches and dinners, so I assumed would have great manners, reached over and took one of the croutons from my salad and announced, "Not bad."

Two weeks later, he said, "Excuse me" and took a spoonful of my cappuccino and said, "Too sweet for me."

I don't need a running commentary on my meals. I am probably going to say to him, "I guess I forgot to tell you what most of my friends know: I don't like people poking around in my food so please don't reach over and take any of my food or beverage" unless you can present something more polite.

Other people dislike people eating from their plates but don't want to ruffle feathers.

Is that coffee you're drinking, Miss Manners? I think I'd like a taste. Here's my spoon.

GENTLE READER: Here, take the whole cup. We can order another one. And you need to find some friends who have been civilized beyond the hunting-and-gathering era.

Miss Manners sees nothing wrong in your desire to protect your food from predators. But since they are your predators, with whom you choose to eat, she suggests a softer approach than your remarks about disliking their picking and poking.

The reply to "I'll have a few of her fries" should be "I'm going to be eating all of mine, so you should order your own." To "I'd like to taste that," try "Then let's ask the waitress to bring you some." And to the unauthorized plunge, it is to turn over the dish saying, "No, that's all right, you take it. I'll order another."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it all right to change an RSVP? I know that, if I reply that I'll attend, I need to contact the host immediately if I find I cannot attend, but if I reply that I cannot attend but then plans change and I find that I can attend after all, is it all right to call the host and change my reply, or does my original reply stand?

GENTLE READER: It is still standing, and you can't just kick it back open, but you can knock on it and petition to be readmitted. (Could Miss Manners please be excused for a moment while she ducks this runaway metaphor? Thank you.)

Instead of announcing, "I can be there after all," as if you were conferring an honor, you should say, "I wish I hadn't declined, because it turns out that I'm free, after all. I don't suppose you still have room?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been part of a monthly book club for the past five years. We all get along well, but it has been a growing problem that some people do not regularly read the books. The personal chitchat at the beginning of each meeting seems to grow longer each month, and those who don't read the selections are quick to divert the group's attention to other topics. Sometimes we hardly discuss the book at all.

I don't want to be a disciplinarian, nor do I want book club to seem like homework, but I also don't want us to forget why we formed the group in the first place. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Join another book club.

Miss Manners does not mean to disparage the one you are in or even to suggest that you leave it if you like the members. All book clubs have both discussion and social chatter. It is not as though reading, like playing softball, requires rounding up other people.

Different clubs have different mixtures of the two, ranging from a serious focus on books to the books being only an excuse to get together. And while one or two members who divert a discussion can be gently called to order, it sounds as if the others in your group are happy with the changed tone. Rather than hector people, you could ask for a re-evaluation of purpose, which would neither target individuals nor exclude the social aspect. Or you could join the chatter, bubbling over to them about the literary fun you are having in another book group.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's aunt died recently from ovarian cancer, and her children are having a service for her this Saturday. My problem is that my nephew, who lives about a four-hour drive from us, is celebrating his 1st birthday this Saturday. Before the aunt died I had planned on taking my two sons (ages 9 and 11) up to my nephew's birthday party, where we would also see my Mom (my Dad died a year ago from lung cancer), two of my sisters and their family, and my brother, his wife and their birthday boy. As we are four hours from my Mom and brother and two hours from my sisters, we do not get the chance to see each other very often. In fact, we weren't able to spend Christmas with any of my family this year.

My husband's family lives near us and we see them often. I feel it is important to celebrate my nephew's 1st birthday with my boys and my family, while my husband can give our support and sympathy to his aunt's family. She was a wonderful person and was my favorite aunt on my husband's side of the family. We spent a few hours with her and her family over the Christmas holiday, and I really feel that she would want us to go to my nephew's 1st birthday. So, what do you think? Am I right or am I wrong? Thank you for your thoughts and answer.

GENTLE READER: You're welcome. You're wrong.

Miss Manners appreciates your desire to be with your family, and might even have been swayed by the idea of your husband's being with his family while you were with yours. But then you mentioned that the aunt was a favorite of yours and used that dreadful excuse that she would approve your failing to show her the respect of attending her funeral.

Why is it only after people die that they are known to believe that they do not want to be mourned?

Funerals take precedence over happier events, even important ones such as weddings. Your nephew will have other birthdays, and this is the final event you will have to attend for the aunt.

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