DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been part of a monthly book club for the past five years. We all get along well, but it has been a growing problem that some people do not regularly read the books. The personal chitchat at the beginning of each meeting seems to grow longer each month, and those who don't read the selections are quick to divert the group's attention to other topics. Sometimes we hardly discuss the book at all.

I don't want to be a disciplinarian, nor do I want book club to seem like homework, but I also don't want us to forget why we formed the group in the first place. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Join another book club.

Miss Manners does not mean to disparage the one you are in or even to suggest that you leave it if you like the members. All book clubs have both discussion and social chatter. It is not as though reading, like playing softball, requires rounding up other people.

Different clubs have different mixtures of the two, ranging from a serious focus on books to the books being only an excuse to get together. And while one or two members who divert a discussion can be gently called to order, it sounds as if the others in your group are happy with the changed tone. Rather than hector people, you could ask for a re-evaluation of purpose, which would neither target individuals nor exclude the social aspect. Or you could join the chatter, bubbling over to them about the literary fun you are having in another book group.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's aunt died recently from ovarian cancer, and her children are having a service for her this Saturday. My problem is that my nephew, who lives about a four-hour drive from us, is celebrating his 1st birthday this Saturday. Before the aunt died I had planned on taking my two sons (ages 9 and 11) up to my nephew's birthday party, where we would also see my Mom (my Dad died a year ago from lung cancer), two of my sisters and their family, and my brother, his wife and their birthday boy. As we are four hours from my Mom and brother and two hours from my sisters, we do not get the chance to see each other very often. In fact, we weren't able to spend Christmas with any of my family this year.

My husband's family lives near us and we see them often. I feel it is important to celebrate my nephew's 1st birthday with my boys and my family, while my husband can give our support and sympathy to his aunt's family. She was a wonderful person and was my favorite aunt on my husband's side of the family. We spent a few hours with her and her family over the Christmas holiday, and I really feel that she would want us to go to my nephew's 1st birthday. So, what do you think? Am I right or am I wrong? Thank you for your thoughts and answer.

GENTLE READER: You're welcome. You're wrong.

Miss Manners appreciates your desire to be with your family, and might even have been swayed by the idea of your husband's being with his family while you were with yours. But then you mentioned that the aunt was a favorite of yours and used that dreadful excuse that she would approve your failing to show her the respect of attending her funeral.

Why is it only after people die that they are known to believe that they do not want to be mourned?

Funerals take precedence over happier events, even important ones such as weddings. Your nephew will have other birthdays, and this is the final event you will have to attend for the aunt.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A "friend" of 25 years informed me over lunch in a restaurant that my husband of 39 years has been having a long-term affair with his assistant. When I politely told her that this was laughable, she really persisted, smirked, shook her head and called me naive. There is absolutely no truth to what she said.

Do friends say things like this to friends? She says she was only trying to protect me. Do you believe this, and should I believe it?

Her husband of 30 years asked for a divorce four years ago, and since then she has been very bitter. She's very lucky to have some friends who took her under their wings and made excuses for her irrational behavior, but she doesn't seem to be moving on and the friends are starting to worry about her.

GENTLE READER: That should cease if your experience was a sample of how she treats her friends.

What was she trying to protect you from? Enjoying a happy marriage? Misery may love company, but the company should not be expected to hang around for such a crude attempt to spread the misery.

Miss Manners hopes that you defended your husband with the outrage that you would expect him to show if a friend of his had accused you of being loose. She trusts that you would not care to have him merely offer a polite contradiction without displaying indignation. You may not want to challenge the offender to a duel, but you can at least say coldly, "I will not allow you to insult my husband like that" and refuse to listen any further.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my elderly mother died, my brother and only sibling was gracious enough to take care of the arrangements, as he still resided within an hour's drive. He e-mailed me the obituary to proof, luckily, as he had my mother's maiden name incorrect.

Putting aside his absentmindedness on this editing particular, I was surprised to see him list a multitude of "survivors." He included his wife, his children and grandchildren who are far too young to know even the existence of a great-grandmother. I suggested to him that our mother was survived by her two sons.

Of course there are always ancillary members to the extended family. However, it seems that a line must be drawn. Imagine the newspaper column inches taken if the deceased was the matriarch of a huge family? My brother was of the opinion that the local custom, in this Midwestern area of the United States, was to include the whole family as survivors. I disagree. What say you?

GENTLE READER: That this is no time for you to be berating your brother. So even if you were not wrong about this matter, you would be wrong.

But Miss Manners has noticed that people who cite etiquette as a means of scolding people under emotional circumstances, such as in connection with weddings and funerals, are likely to misrepresent the etiquette. There is nothing improper either about listing all of the deceased person's direct descendants, or, for that matter, about having produced a large family.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is a lesbian and she and her partner are now engaged and would like to plan a civil union ceremony. But in order to plan the reception, we need to know approximately how many guests will be attending, supplying a minimum but making sure that the maximum number of guests could be accommodated.

The problem is, most of the guests will need to drive about four hours to where the ceremony will be held. Short of calling all those that would be invited to see if they would even consider such an overnight trip, I'm not sure how to find this information. What we need to know is if they support the couple enough to go to a ceremony and would they be able to travel for a couple of days to attend. We would be covering at least a portion of the hotel costs for guests. However, there would be some expense involved.

Do you have any suggestions on how this information could be gathered without putting people in an awkward situation? We have about 18 months to plan.

GENTLE READER: Yes: Suffer like all other hosts by issuing invitations at the proper time, waiting anxiously for replies and extracting overdue answers through polite nagging. You may tell people the date now, which would enable those who want to attend to plan ahead, but realize that a binding commitment exists only when the actual invitation is accepted.

Probing people about whether they "support the couple" is a disastrous idea. You will embarrass people who just plain don't want to make the effort into thinking that they will condemned if they do not, and shake those who disapprove out of any polite silence they have mustered. There is no wedding that could survive a referendum from the prospective guests. If you could extract the thoughts of genuine well-wishers, you would find such notions floating around as, "With her looks, you would have thought she could do better" and "I suppose he is after the money" and "I give it six months."

This is why polite people do not say everything they think, and sensible people do not urge others to do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At one of our favorite bistros, I encountered a puzzling situation. My meal included a pasta dish with a cream sauce and shrimp; I was surprised to find that the shrimp in my dish still had their tails attached.

How was I to consume the shrimp without eating the tails as well? I had at my disposal two dinner forks, a very large steak knife and a soup spoon. I was quite sure I needed some other utensil, but I wasn't sure what it would be, nor how I would use it once it arrived. What would have been my proper course of action?

GENTLE READER: There is nothing in that random assortment of flatware that will be of help. Neither is there anyone in the kitchen who will be, Miss Manners gathers. She recommends prodding restaurants out of this nasty habit by sending the dish back, pointing out that you are not planning to pick the shrimp up by the tails, as you would at a buffet table, and shake off the cream sauce.

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