DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's unwed 21-year-old sister purposely got pregnant. She lives with her boyfriend, who is 21 and unemployed, and she is two years away from her nursing degree, which she will most likely not be able to finish. They have been together for less than a year, are not financially stable and he still has not gotten divorced from his wife.

Needless to say, the family is concerned about her, but she is overjoyed and believes that everything is going to work out for the best.

When I learned that she was trying to get pregnant, I sent her a lengthy e-mail detailing all of the issues she would face if she had a baby right now. (My husband and I unintentionally got pregnant at a young age, before we had finished college.) We told her how we had struggled, but this e-mail did not faze her decision to have a baby. She expects everyone to congratulate her and that she is going to love the attention that she believes a baby will bring.

The family believes that she got pregnant for that attention, as well as to cement her relationship with her boyfriend. She claims that they are now going to get married, but he has not filed for a divorce.

She has commented that her parents will treat her children better than my husband's and mine and my nephews because they are hers. (My in-laws have not been involved with any of their four grandchildren.) She and her boyfriend have also made negative comments about me to her parents because of the advice that I gave her. I have since realized that they believe that they know everything and I should probably just sit back and let them figure it out for themselves.

My question is this: My sister-in-law does not have any sisters or close friends that will throw her a baby shower. My other sister-in-law will be expected to do this, but I don't feel that I should be responsible for it, especially after her comments. She never offered to throw a baby shower for me.

GENTLE READER: OK, you don't have to throw her a shower. Relatives are not supposed to throw showers. Does that settle things? Is everybody in this family now going to live happily together?

Miss Manners is concerned about all three generations. She would have thought that your having been in a similar situation -- pregnant when young and frozen out by the grandparents --would make you take a less high-handed tone. Now the most she hopes for is that you put aside your squabbles to welcome the baby wholeheartedly into the family.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the polite way to congratulate a usually successful coach whose teams performed unusually poorly this year? It seems mean-spirited to congratulate such a coach on his fourth-place finish in the most important racing event of the year, but it seems more so not to congratulate him at all.

GENTLE READER: "It's amazing what you did with what you had." Miss Manners suggests saying this when the team is out of earshot.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I was visiting with a friend, our children were playing together and my daughter became aggressive toward my friend's son, stealing the toy he was playing with from his hands.

I insisted that she return the toy. She did, but then immediately stole it again. I insisted she return it again, made her apologize and sent her to play by herself in another room for a few minutes, until she could be more civilized.

My friend immediately launched into a lecture, dismissing the practice of forcing children to apologize, telling me that it encourages children to develop a false sincerity and teaches them that they can get out of any troublesome situation simply by muttering "sorry."

I don't agree. As I see it, the apology is not the punishment, but a courtesy I would like my daughter to learn to use when she has wronged someone, regardless of how she feels about it.

I listened to my friend's argument without commenting or arguing. She went on to add that while some people force apologies and give time-outs, those methods are ineffective. After all, she has never used them with her boys, the apparent implication being that they are angelic and obedient.

The entire discussion was carried out in the abstract, but I was painfully aware that I was being reprimanded for the way I corrected my child's behavior and I felt belittled and insulted by the implication that her children were more obedient than mine because she is the superior mother. I politely ended the afternoon early and went home, but I would have liked to communicate more directly that I am quite satisfied with my parenting techniques, which seem to work for my child, and that I don't appreciate her attempts to proselytize.

Can you give me some advice about how to do that without opening a debate on the merits of forcing apologies or giving time-outs and without creating an even more awkward or tense situation?

GENTLE READER: You are expecting her to apologize, aren't you?

Oh, yes you are. There could be no other resolution to your complaint that would satisfy you, and she is not going to do it.

Miss Manners urges you to let it go, perhaps re-evaluating your friendship with someone who is not only rude in criticizing you, but who condemns the very notion of behaving well toward others. Should her son follow her advice, consulting only his own feelings and not troubling to assuage any pain he might cause others, let us hope that he does not get into serious trouble. Judges and juries put a heavy weight on the show of remorse when they determine sentences.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in a bind over an invitation to the wedding of two friends of mine. I met the bride and groom at the same party, therefore I know both of them equally and for the same amount of time. When I go to the wedding and am asked on which side I would like to sit, what side should I choose?

GENTLE READER: The side with fewer people on it. It's a wedding, not a soccer game with fans rooting for opposing sides. Miss Manners assures you that the custom of separating the guests is only loosely observed. It is within each side that strict separations are needed for those still smarting from divorces.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single woman without children. Two years ago, I was very upset because I had just broken off a relationship of two years that I thought was headed for marriage.

Shortly after that, I turned 38 and as a birthday present, my sister (who is married with four kids) gave me a picture frame that said "family." I was offended but didn't tell her anything and exchanged the frame for something else.

This year, I am still single and turned 40. For my birthday, my sister gave me a picture frame that says: "Love is what binds us together... FAMILY." Upon unwrapping this gift, my reaction was to ask, "What picture am I going to put in it?"

I know my sister means well in giving me these gifts but I find them offensive. Is it just me? Am I overly sensitive? Should I just continue to be quiet and gracious about it?

GENTLE READER: You do have a family. You just told Miss Manners that you have a sister and a brother-in-law and four nieces and/or nephews.

Of course, if your sister has a history of cruelty, and you really believe that she is trying to taunt you by making you look at empty frames to emphasize your lack of a husband and children, she might not inspire warm family feelings. But is it not remotely possible that this is her way of reminding you that she and her brood are your family and that they love you?

You can test this out by asking for a picture of them to put in the frame. If your sister seems pleased, then yes, you were being overly sensitive. If she chuckles and says that's not what the frame is for, Miss Manners will concede and allow you to add to your thanks that you will put it away in case you ever need it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor's daughter sent me a college graduation announcement. In fact, I am pretty sure she sent one to half of the block.

To be honest with you, we have only lived in our house for four years and she was away at college most of the time. We have interacted about five times and she has never been anything but rude.

Are we expected to send a gift/check because she sent an announcement? I think that would be rather presumptuous of her. Are announcements just announcements? Or is something expected in return?

GENTLE READER: Whether the presumptions you and the neighbors are making about each other -- yours that they are trolling for presents and perhaps theirs that you have to comply -- are correct or not, Miss Manners cannot say. But your presumption about the etiquette of the situation is incorrect. An announcement is just an announcement. It is not a bill. The something that should be made in return is a note of congratulations.

: