DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years ago, my former significant other chose to leave me for another relationship with one of his co-workers. I reacted by showering him with venom and bile, but figured that since his girlfriend was only a distant acquaintance, treating her the same way would be unwarranted.

Instead, whenever I see her, I say hello, and smile the polite smile that indicates that I have no idea how I know this person. This has produced a pleasant result -- on several occasions, I have noted her crossing a street or dodging back into a building to avoid meeting me. As time progresses, her trepidation seems to grow.

Is it proper to continue this course of action for as long as our acquaintance might continue? How can I inspire a similar reaction in my former boyfriend, who shows no such shame?

GENTLE READER: You have tried two techniques: venom-and-bile, and I-can't-quite-place-you. One worked, the other didn't.

So why does Miss Manners have the feeling that you are hankering to return to the one that didn't?

In any case, Miss Manners is afraid that the time has passed for you to attempt to reform someone with whom you are no longer connected.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a knitter. I took up the hobby a few years ago as a remembrance of a relative who was an avid knitter, and I found that it satisfied me in unexpected ways. It reminds me of my relative, relaxes me and provides a creative outlet.

Naturally, one of the most enjoyable aspects is giving the items I produce to friends and relatives and seeing them in use. Last year I made a little sweater in my niece's favorite color and sent it to her "just because." She liked it and wore it, and I saw pictures of her in it, which was all very gratifying. Recently I saw that my sister had listed it for sale on eBay as part of a large batch of used clothes for sale. It sold for a pittance. I feel kind of hurt and upset over this.

I haven't confronted her because I'm not sure what I really expected her to do with it when it no longer fit. This just makes me very uncomfortable and concerned about the disposition of future gifts. They take a lot of time and money to create. Each one is made with a specific person in mind, and to me that makes it priceless in a way. Still, I understand that a gift is a gift and it would be improper to request it back. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That you had hoped that the sweater would be kept as an heirloom to be passed to your niece's children and grandchildren. You have, Miss Manners observes, a charmingly sentimental nature, as evidenced by your continued association of your hobby with your relative.

But you cannot require this of others. A present is a present to be used as the recipient chooses. True, the giver should be spared pain, but the chances of your finding this on eBay -- please tell Miss Manners you weren't looking for it -- are so small as to be considered an accident.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to request cash in lieu of gifts via a bridal registry?

GENTLE READER: Sit on the floor with a hat turned upside down on the floor beside you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Not long ago, I put my home up for sale, and my real estate agent scheduled an open house. It took place on a Sunday afternoon. A number of people came, and I noticed that many of them were neighbors.

I was on good terms with these people, but not by any means close friends with them. When I asked them -- politely -- "What brings you here today?" many said that they were "just kicking the tires;" they had no intention of buying a new home and they weren't looking on behalf of a friend or relative, either.

I found it appalling that these people could be so openly nosy and intrusive about my property and belongings (and, by extension, my financial situation). It's not that I had anything to be ashamed about, but their interest seemed to boil down to two very base, vulgar questions: "What does she have that I don't have? And what do I have that she doesn't have?"

I felt really uncomfortable in this situation. If their concerns had only to do with how my property value was affecting theirs, surely there were more discreet ways to obtain that data. I was raised to believe it's rude to make financial or material comparisons with your neighbor, or even with relatives, for that matter.

But my real estate agent says it's common for "nosy neighbors" to show up at open houses. They cheerfully greet the seller, with no shame whatsoever. If this happens at my next home sale, is there a polite way I can show these busybodies to the door?

GENTLE READER: Why would you want to start feuding with your neighbors when you are about to be rid of them by moving away?

Miss Manners is not a defender of nosiness, but she can think of more benign reasons for your neighbors' curiosity than the competitive one you assume. They might have been looking for decorating ideas in their similar houses, or they might have been interested in the presentation of your house for sale because they are considering selling their own.

Even potential buyers are irritating to those selling their houses, because they get to observe the personal effects of those with whom they are not on social terms. Miss Manners advises leaving the matter in the hands of a capable real estate operator and going to the movies.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am getting ready to attend a memorial service for a co-worker and have a question. This is an individual who worked for this organization for 18 years, and she has many friends and close co-workers who still work here.

In preparation for the memorial service, a request was made by the Board of Directors to have special seating at the memorial service. None of them had a close relationship with the deceased.

This seems rather insensitive to me or at least tacky. Why should attention be drawn to those who had no personal connection to the deceased? Their position within the organization would seem to have nothing to do with the purpose of the memorial service. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That you are missing the symbolism here -- and the purpose of a memorial service is expressed through symbolism.

Indeed, the board of directors does have an important connection to the deceased. They represent the organization for which she worked for 18 years. Miss Manners understands that you and the lady's friends are there to show your personal respect, but they are there to show the company's respect.

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