DEAR MISS MANNERS: During a birthday party held at work, I began cutting into the birthday cake. The cake had edible candy balloons on the icing and one of my co-workers asked if she "could have a balloon."

This would require cutting into a section of the cake that was untouched, but we said all right go ahead, it's a party. She then proceeded to scrape off only the balloon from the top of the piece of cake. This left the underlying piece of cake exposed with no frosting on it.

We were shocked and asked her why she didn't take the entire piece of cake with the balloon on it. She said she only wanted the balloon. We feel she should have taken the entire piece of cake as no one wants a piece with no frosting on it. In addition, it is implied that when requesting certain items on the cake, you get the cake also. Who's right?

GENTLE READER: Most in the wrong here is your employer, for breaking the child labor laws. Four-year-olds should not be put to work in offices. They should be going to birthday parties where their parents take them aside and teach them to accept what they are served, the good with the bad, even if it means the cake with the icing.

You cannot so instruct a co-worker, Miss Manners is afraid. If that lady were grown up, it would be pointed enough to pick up the knife, cut off the piece that she desecrated, and set it aside.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On more than one occasion, I've been meeting with friends when a new person is introduced. After a few minutes of cordial greetings, the new person divulges more personal information to me than I am comfortable with. For example, at a holiday gathering, a new acquaintance talked at length about her abusive childhood with many painful details. As a result, I no longer like to be included in the group when this acquaintance is also included.

Is there a polite way to indicate that too much personal information is being imparted so that a friendly acquaintanceship can be developed over time?

GENTLE READER: While admiring your open-minded attitude toward these people, Miss Manners is less optimistic than you about the possibility of such openers developing into real friendships.

Those who unload their lifetime complaints on strangers are not looking for the sort of give and take that develops when people get to know each other and grow increasingly confidential in a mutual fashion. They are looking for audiences for their self-pity monologues. You can discourage them by offering minimal condolences ("Sorry to hear that") and changing the subject. But then they are not likely to consider you a candidate for what they define as friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For me, receiving even a good book is tantamount to getting an assignment -- something best left to the classroom. So, what to tell an inquiring mind who wants to know, "How's 'the book' coming?" when instead of reading it I'd given "the book" to the Salvation Army?

GENTLE READER: That would be rude. But Miss Manners would imagine that an apologetic, "I haven't gotten to it," repeated often enough, would convey the idea that you are not hungry for books.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been invited to the wedding of a childhood friend. We have a young child and inquired of the mother of the groom months ago if children would be welcome at the festivities. She told us that the bride did not want children and childcare would be provided.

I thought this was a perfectly acceptable compromise. However, we just received the invitation and the reception card says "Adult Reception."

We were planning on going to great lengths to attend, but now we are so offended by the wording on the card that we no longer want to go. Is this acceptable? Was word of mouth not enough?

GENTLE READER: Not if they want to warn you that the content of their reception is -- well, whatever the content is at adult bookstores and in adult movies. Miss Manners wouldn't know.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you tell me about the custom of "inviting up and gifting down?" An older friend, who is somewhat of a mentor to me, acted highly offended when I offered to take her to a very nice lunch. She claimed that we are not on equal levels and the most I could do to show my appreciation, until such time as I reach her lofty status, is to invite her to my wedding, which will not happen in the foreseeable future. My gift of lunch was extremely offensive. Is this archaic rule still followed, and why?

GENTLE READER: Sorry, but your friend is no longer allowed to be a mentor, even part-time. Miss Manners has revoked her license. We do not allow snobs to give etiquette instruction.

In spurning your kind invitation, she is misinformed as well as rude. The dictum she cites has to do with professional life, where the employee should not go after the boss socially, and the boss may give, but should not expect, presents. It does not apply among friends, if you still want to call this lady that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was hoping that you would be able to help me with a small dilemma that has come up. My fiance and I are planning our wedding, and things are going smoothly for the most part. We will be having a traditional wedding, including the bride being walked down the aisle and given away.

However, I have three father figures in my life. After my mother divorced my birth father, she married a wonderful man who was a good father to her children. Though my mother later left this husband, I maintained a close relationship with him.

Now that I am older, my mother's third husband, another delightful fellow, is also a very dear person in my life.

How am I to be walked down the aisle by my dad when I have three of them? All of them are very important to me, and I want them all to be there in a special way on this special day.

And who is it who gives me away? My mother and her current husband, leaving my father and first stepfather in the cold? Or my mother and birth father, leaving both of my stepfathers alone? All of my "fathers" get along with one another, as well as my mother, and they will all be there.

GENTLE READER: Your mother gives you away. She is the parent in whose custody you were consistently reared.

Considering how attached brides are to the custom of being given away, they seem woefully ignorant of its point, much less its history. Fathers traditionally gave brides away if they were heads of families. In the absence of a father, it was not considered necessary to go recruit another gentleman. The mother, as head of the family, would give the bride away.

The idea is to fit the positions to the family, not the other way around. This is why Miss Manners has condoned having two gentlemen give a bride away when she is equally close to biological and stepfathers. However, three would call more attention to your mother's marriages than your own.

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