DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter will graduate in May. I have had discussions with her about the benefits of homeownership and thought it would be great to start a "my future home" account for her, and have her monetary graduation gifts directed there. She likes that idea.

I spoke with my financial adviser and found that we could very easily set up a trust for that purpose. The problem is getting the word out. I believe that it is perfectly acceptable to include the trust information in the graduation announcement. She thinks it's tacky and in poor taste and believes that I should call everyone and share the information personally.

If you agree with me, please let me know how I can tastefully word the insert; if not, what would you suggest as an alternative?

GENTLE READER: As an alternative, Miss Manners would suggest teaching your daughter that financial responsibility means paying your own bills, not begging from others, and that common sense says that no one, no matter how fond of your daughter, wants to buy her a house.

It is not only the magnitude of your nerve that makes it rude. Soliciting donations and presents has become so commonplace that people now believe trolling for money and goods is only tasteless when it seems especially greedy. You would get the prize for that, but those who make smaller demands are no less rude. Just less imaginative.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I agree that with a quartered head of iceberg lettuce, one must use a knife, but I question a knife in use of a normal broken salad, especially with a whole cherry tomato and a salad plate. I was taught that a salad fork must be used to cut the salad, but he says that as a cherry tomato tends to scoot across the table when attempting to cut it with a salad fork, a knife should be used. Also, can a knife be used if the lettuce is not sufficiently torn?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners recommends dropping whatever else you are doing to go hunt for salad knives. It will not be easy, but the small knife, also sometimes called a tea knife or a youth knife, is the only correct one to use.

You need them, because you are at an impasse. You are right that meat knives should never be used on salad, but your partner is right that one has to defend oneself against inconsiderate and lazy salad-makers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently invited to a party by an acquaintance and responded to accept the invitation. A couple of days later, I received an invitation from a very good friend for an event on the same evening. I declined the invitation explaining that I had already accepted an invitation for the same evening. I felt badly afterwards for turning down an invitation from a good friend. Was this the proper response?

GENTLE READER: Yes, of course it was. You could hardly tell someone who was kind enough to invite you that you had a subsequent invitation from someone you like better. Miss Manners can understand that you may regret missing a good friend's party, but hopes you don't feel bad about doing the right thing.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you kindly advise on how to graciously, efficiently and politely cancel a party (dinner, cocktails) on the day of the party when treacherous driving conditions make it a hazard to venture out on the roads? Should the hostess or the guest call to cancel?

GENTLE READER: "Graciously, efficiently and politely" is not enough in this case. Miss Manners is afraid that it is also necessary to sound panicky. Either guest or host may accomplish this with the proper tone of hysteria.

"I don't know what to do," the guest wails. "I was so looking forward to this evening, and now we're afraid to risk it because the streets are all ice and they're issuing warnings."

The host's version is, "I've been agonizing, because I'm dying to see you, but I simply can't let you endanger yourself by coming out in this weather. We'll do it another time."

Then they can both settle down for a cozy hot toddy in their respective homes.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I own a cottage with three of his siblings. As we all have different decorating tastes, it has become difficult to agree on what decorations have been brought into the cottage.

There is one decoration that I feel is absolutely tasteless and wondered what you think I should do about it. My sister-in-law framed a picture of her 22-year-old son on the toilet and put the picture on a shelf in the bathroom next to the toilet.

I really don't think it's appropriate. We have many guests and visitors (many of them are children) and I'm embarrassed by the picture. I have turned it around and placed it in a drawer, but it always ends up on display. I even tried moving the picture to a bookshelf in a different room, so it wouldn't be as conspicuous, but as I feared, my sister-in-law moved it back to the bathroom shelf.

During my last visit to the cottage I took that picture and hid it where nobody will ever find it. Was that the right thing to do? This is a serious letter. My husband's family feels I'm being too sensitive and unnecessarily offended.

GENTLE READER: That's not a tasteless decoration; it's a tasteless joke. Miss Manners realizes that this doesn't make the picture any prettier, but it does make it easier to deal with.

People get touchy when their notions of tasteful decoration are questioned, but they are happy to blame failed jokes on other people's deficiency of humor. To encourage this, you should tell your sister-in-law apologetically that you are afraid that uptight people are squeamish about her little joke and that furthermore, you are afraid you are one of them. Thus removing the picture -- especially now that everyone has seen it -- would be a kind concession to your fastidiousness, not an admission of her vulgarity.

And what do you care, so long as the vulgar thing is gone?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A "casual" friend of 20-plus years called me with the exciting news of her daughter's engagement and told me to "save the date." She filled me in on the wedding plans, sought my advice on altering her heirloom wedding gown and asked me to clip the engagement announcement from the newspaper.

As the "saved date" approached, no wedding invitation came in the mail. About one month prior to the wedding, we received an invitation for another affair on the same date. I was uncertain of what to do. Should I call my friend and ask if the promised invitation was forthcoming?

I concluded that such a phone call could cause embarrassment (canceled wedding?) and chose to accept the other invitation. A few days following the "wedding date," we received a beautiful wedding announcement! Obviously, we were cut from the "A" list! We responded with a modest gift and card. I have said nothing, but am hurt and offended. When the "promised" invitation was not delivered, should I have called my "friend"? After all, it could have been lost in the mail and my lack of response would have been perceived as rude.

GENTLE READER: You could have called and asked if you were saving the correct date, but it is probably just as well that you did not. In that case, Miss Manners is afraid that your putative friend would have had to invite you, after all. And then, having admitted to saving the date, you would have had to attend.

: