DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to request "Black Tie or Holiday Festive" dress on Christmas party invitations? It seems to me that either Black Tie OR Holiday Festive Attire would be better received. I feel like I am being told what to wear!

GENTLE READER: Be grateful when you are told what to wear. When hosts shirk this duty, they end up with an odd-looking assortment of guests, most of whom feel out of place.

The problem is that you are not being told precisely.

Miss Manners supposes that these instructions are a shillyshallying way of saying, "We'd really like you to be in evening clothes, but if you're going to make a fuss about black tie, at least try to dress up." However, for all she knows, "holiday festive attire" might mean draping mistletoe over your nose.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: OK, what is really wrong with Christmas letters? I know a lot of people make disparaging remarks about them, but suppose you have a lot of friends and can't possibly sit down and write each one a separate letter? Isn't the newsletter once a year actually a good way of informing people about your activities? I would find it helpful if, instead of looking down on this, you set some rules about how to write them. Our Christmas list has more than 100 names on it, and I don't know any other practical way of letting our friends know what has happened to us -- about our month at the beach house, Junior's new braces, my husband's promotion, and so on.

GENTLE READER: Far be it from Miss Manners to look down on anyone so fortunate as to have more than a hundred friends so close as to be awaiting the news about your son's teeth. You will forgive her if she suggests that so high a degree of intimacy is not often maintained on the basis of a mass mailing once a year.

In other words, the trouble with form letters is that they are almost inevitably inconsistent with the relationship between writer and recipient. Friends and relatives who have a genuine interest in the details of your family life deserve some personal attention. If they can get through the year without wondering where you spent the summer, the chances are they are not burning to know now. And to bombard casual acquaintances with full accounts of your lives is to satisfy curiosity they may not feel.

So much for why Miss Manners dislikes the idea. Now to answer your question about how to do it.

First, keep it a reasonable length, and if you are e-mailing it, refrain from including items that take time to be downloaded.

Next, refrain from bragging. You wouldn't stand up at a party and shout "Lauren was made cheerleading captain!" or "We bought a boat!" or "We went to Maine last summer!" or "I got a raise!" Confine your "news" to more or less public matters -- "We've moved to Colorado," "I've finally finished law school," "Annabelle has joined the Army" -- and state them neutrally. The exception is that births, engagements and marriages include mention of the family's pleasure in them -- although, come to think of it, why weren't these close friends of yours notified of such important events at the time that they occurred?

Finally, refrain from offering your philosophy, politics or general wisdom gleaned from life: If the urge overwhelms you, it is better to write leaflets and hand them out to strangers on the street than to offend your friends by giving them unsolicited advice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please help my husband and me settle an etiquette dilemma. During the holiday season, we send Christmas cards to our friends and relatives. I also like to send Chanukah cards to our Jewish friends. My husband feels this is inappropriate because it seems to imply that Chanukah is a Jewish version of Christmas and in some way signals a separate category for our Jewish friends. He would prefer a happy holiday card or no card at all.

I think he's quite silly, that thinking of someone and remembering one's special holiday is always correct. Naturally, convinced as we both are that your opinion will mirror each of ours, we have agreed to let Miss Manners be the final arbiter on this matter.

GENTLE READER: Whether or not your husband is quite silly, Miss Manners cannot say, and if so, she hopes you have a weakness for silly gentlemen. But he is right in this instance. It is always nice to remember your friends, but do you also remember each of your Jewish friend's attitudes toward Chanukah and toward Christmas? They could celebrate a secular Christmas or a Christmas-like Chanukah or neither or both.

If you don't know, you are risking causing great offense by making presumptions about their religious practices. Of course, inquiring closely into other people's religious practices is also offensive. Why can't you sidestep the issue by sending secular cards?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am hoping that you can help me deal with a problem that has plagued me since I was a little girl. At that age, the problem was how to deal with the question, "What did you get for Christmas?"-- a question that, apart from its nosing into something personal, contained the false assumption that I celebrated Christmas.

As a child, I alternated between pretending that I celebrated Christmas and informing the other party that I celebrated Hanukkah, a response that would elicit odd looks or unwanted religious conversations.

Now, as an adult, I am plagued by a different set of problems. Thankfully, people no longer ask me what I "got." Instead, I get remarks (from acquaintances, neighbors, store clerks, etc.) such as, "What are you doing for Christmas?", "Are you ready for Christmas yet?", wishes of "Merry Christmas" or the euphemistic "Happy Holidays."

Since I no longer practice the religion that I was raised with, the Hanukkah response is no longer open to me. Thus, I am left with the choice of letting the speaker think I am Christian or risk getting involved in an even more prolonged and unwanted religious conversation.

I tried the former strategy in a discussion with my dental hygienist. Unfortunately, the initial question of what I was doing for Christmas led to further questions, such as whether I was buying a tree, what was I buying for my spouse, etc., leaving me increasingly uncomfortable.

There is the option of simply saying, without explanation, "I do not celebrate Christmas." However, I am certain that I would (as when I was a child) experience either odd looks or unwanted religious questions. I could repeat myself, but I do not know how to do that without appearing rude.

I try to keep in mind that all of these comments are well-meant or simply a way of making conversation. The larger picture that is really bothering me, Miss Manners, is that I live in a society where everyone is assumed to be Christian, or, if not Christian, then religious, or even if not religious, then certainly celebrating some "holiday" this time of year. I know I can't change that society on my own -- that I can't disabuse people of their false assumptions -- and Miss Manners dictates that I not try.

However, if no one does say anything, people will continue in their false assumptions. I cannot be the only one who is made uncomfortable by this. It seems the only solution is to hide for two months out of every year. Please let me know if there is another.

GENTLE READER: You are mistaken that Miss Manners objects to attempts to change society. Why does she do but attempt to make society more polite?

However, she does rule out responding to a light pleasantry with a heavy lecture. So do you, by saying that you do not want to discuss religion in these encounters. And you needn't. You need only reply as you would about any other day off - "Oh, the usual" or "We'll be staying home" or "Trying to get everything done" before asking, "What are you doing?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am on the Recycling Committee of our small New England town, which is charged with educating our fellow citizens about recycling opportunities. While depositing my very small bag of trash in the "hopper," I noticed the citizen next to me throwing away bales of cardboard boxes and newspaper instead of recycling them in the clearly marked containers nearby. I wanted to correct him, but didn't know the best way to approach him.

GENTLE READER: As if you are not correcting, only helping. This means refraining from shouting, "Not in there!" and only saying, "Excuse me, but that's the recycling bin, not this one" in a tone you would not resent if you made a mistake.

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