Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law always serves white potatoes for Thanksgiving. She already knows that my husband and I don't eat white potatoes, and we don't eat stuffing because it contains white bread.

When I offered to make whipped organic sweet potatoes at her house, she acted all offended and said she didn't have room for another cook in her kitchen (this is just an excuse).

We think it is incredibly insensitive to serve a dish she knows we don't eat, and then not let us contribute something in its place. My husband thinks we should just cancel and not go. Please say something to end this family dispute!

GENTLE READER: How about "No, thank you"? But that's for you to say -- and in regard to the potatoes, not the family occasion.

If your sister-in-law's entire Thanksgiving menu is white potatoes with bread stuffing, Miss Manners might agree that she was being spiteful. Otherwise, there ought to be something, if not plenty, for you to eat, which is hospitable enough, even on Thanksgiving. If you must pick a family feud, Miss Manners hopes you will find a better excuse -- and a better day.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We hold open house every Christmas, inviting some people in advance and bringing others back from church with us -- just people we happen to see but hadn't thought of beforehand.

My question is about those who bring presents. They're not really supposed to, but a few people do. I'm always afraid of this embarrassing other guests, who might then think they were supposed to, and I also feel funny about accepting these presents because I'm not giving them anything (or I'd have to have something for everyone and the whole open house idea would be impossible).

Should I open the presents when they are given to me? Should I send those people presents afterwards? One other question: I invited some Jewish friends, and they said they couldn't come. Was it wrong to invite them -- were they offended because they don't celebrate Christmas?

GENTLE READER: Unless you can open the presents inconspicuously -- and how can you, with other guests to greet? -- it is better to put them aside and thank the people the next day, by note. You don't owe them presents; you gave them a lovely day. There is a whole range of reasons that your Jewish friends might have had for refusing your invitation -- from not wanting to participate in a Christmas celebration to having another Christmas celebration to attend. But however differently Jews, Muslims or others may regard Christmas -- from a religious holiday that they do not celebrate to a winter festival that they might -- they are all aware that it exists, and it cannot be considered offensive to mention it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm desperate. Please help.

My aunt (at 70 years old) dated a married man and my mother scolded me for being polite but distant towards him. Now my sister, just recently divorced herself, is dating a man who is separated but not divorced. I told her that in my view, being separated is not the same as being divorced and he is not free to date, though I only want the best for her.

Family history being what it is, I feel like I'm going to be viewed as a major spoilsport at Thanksgiving when this man attends the family gathering with my sister. I don't think that asking him how his children and wife are doing would be appropriate but how do I deal with this situation? What do I tell my children (ages 10, 12, 14)?

GENTLE READER: Are the children pressing you about this, or did you cite them as a rhetorical device?

Because if they are not clamoring to know, Miss Manners not would recommend exciting them. Being left out of adult affairs, as it were, teaches children to pay attention. You can hone their skills by blandly insisting that all you know is that this is auntie's friend.

Meanwhile, Miss Manners is afraid that you should hone your own skills at being polite but distant. If your mother noticed, it sounds as if you were doing this too pointedly. That is rude because it embarrasses innocent onlookers, among whom you may or may not want to count your mother. Ideally, only the target should realize that you get distracted every time he tries to talk to you and fail to initiate any conversation with him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a sporadic but mutually beneficial professional relationship with someone who was, 25 years ago, a dear college friend (She is a feminist academic; I am in publishing). I forwarded a non-academic job listing in her specialty to her, thinking it possible she might be tempted but certain that she would know qualified people (students or former co-workers) who would be interested.

Her immediate response was one line: "I'm too busy to recruit for you or anybody."

I was astonished -- that she would not support the "old girl" network, and that she would take the time to be rude when she could easily have not replied at all.

We're both busy working parents. I don't clutter up her mailbox with trivia. I decided not to respond, in case explaining any of this might have been rude. Maybe she was just having a bad day, but this incident has cooled my feelings towards her. Was I "recruiting"? And was this bad?

GENTLE READER: The issue here is not whether she acceded to your reasonable request. As you pointed out, she could have politely ignored it, on the grounds that it was a widespread feeler to which only those with something to suggest need respond.

But even less is the issue whether she was having a bad day. Feeling surly is no excuse for acting surly, Miss Manners reminds you. Neither is feeling aggrieved, so, as you realize, you cannot snap back with an accusation of rudeness.

But you can snap back with a cold apology: "I'm so sorry to have imposed on you. I promise you it won't happen again."

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