DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please explain why there is apparently a now-universal compulsion to answer the phone, whether cell or landline, under any or all circumstances, and, having once answered it, to deal with whoever is on the other end at the expense of the person you were dealing with previously. Surely the people who engage in this -- and in my experience, that's almost everyone -- must recognize how rude the practice is. But apparently they don't, since there's rarely an apology, and they proceed as if the behavior is completely appropriate and normal.

Given how widespread the phenomenon is, I thought that perhaps I'm just being old-fashioned and out of tune with the times (clearly the latter). Something beyond mere manners must be going on here given how widespread the practice is.

Have the phone companies somehow programmed us to act in this Pavlovian manner? If so, it wouldn't be a manners issue and Miss Manners might be excused for not wishing to address it.

GENTLE READER: Programmed behavior is indeed within the purview of manners. We are the ones who advocate seizing innocent babes and programming them to say "please" and "thank you" before they know or care what these mean.

However, the reaction you mention is indeed rude. Miss Manners blames Alexander Graham Bell, who blurted out "Mr. Watson, come here, I want you" (where was the "please"?) when he tried out his infernal machine on his assistant. This established the idea that a telephone summons was an imperial command that could not be safely ignored.

Why years of inconsequential blathering has not dispelled that notion Miss Manners cannot say. But to this day, the urge to attend to the telephone is the only force on Earth stronger than greed. You can easily test this out by attempting to hand money to a salesperson when a telephone begins to ring.

That it is rude to ignore those in person in favor of voices from the distance does not seem to make much of an impression, as you noticed. The blessings of the answering machine, caller ID and voicemail combined have only driven the rude to make inaccurate counteraccusations of rudeness on the part of those who do not jump to the bell.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently had several friends (and associated people) stay at my home while they were fleeing from a hurricane. After their departure, several of the associated people sent small, appropriate tokens of appreciation to me thanking me for letting them stay with me.

Should I acknowledge those gifts with a thank-you note? It would seem that by doing so I am starting a vicious circle, but do not want to be rude in the face of their politeness. So, should I acknowledge a thank-you gift with a thank-you note?

GENTLE READER: "Vicious circle" is hardly the term Miss Manners would select to describe such a gracious exchange of courtesies. But aside from her hope that you would want to keep in touch with these people to see how they are doing, you need not worry that acknowledging their kindness is an imposition. Letters of thanks do not require replies, but hospitality and presents do. Therefore, your required letter of thanks for their present to thank you for your hospitality does not require another letter.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I learned that when I am dining and have to excuse myself from the table, I should place my napkin on my chair, so that my fellow diners do not have a used napkin sitting next to their dining plates and food.

However, in all my adult years, I have yet to see even one other person do this, even those with traditionally impeccable manners. Everyone puts his or her napkin on the dining table. Have I been misinformed?

GENTLE READER: Your information is correct. Miss Manners regrets to inform you that your friends, apparently, are not. Even in trivial matters, it is not a good idea to presume that what you see going on around you is the gold standard of behavior.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one graciously inquire as to e-mails that, when sent, seem to fall into a black hole?

This is a continuing pattern I encounter with someone who otherwise is a godsend to the charitable work I'm involved with. "Your e-mails seem to fall into a black hole" seems brusque, yet I'm convinced gentler comments will not remedy the situation.

GENTLE READER: If not for the possibility that e-mail sometimes falls into black holes, life would be a lot stricter. Like the older form of lost-in-the-mail, this offers a barely plausible excuse for having neglected one's duty. Not that Miss Manners wants to encourage this sort of thing.

On the whole, we tend to believe that all mail is delivered. But while the slap of letters on the floor is irresistible, not everyone picks up e-mail every day. You needn't sound as if you are chastising this lady because there is no reason to chastise her. You need only inquire which is the best way -- telephone, instant messaging, e-mail or snail mail -- to be sure of reaching her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a new friend's adult Halloween party. The invitation -- hand-delivered to me, along with a second invitation for a sales-type party -- stated "BYOB and your own food. We will provide non-alcoholic drinks, music and lots of fun." She and her husband drink wine and beer, by the way.

I was insulted by this invitation that requires me to pay for evening baby-sitting, purchase (or make) a costume, and take my own wine and meal. The hostess lives in a very nice, large home and drives an expensive vehicle, so cost of the party for approximately 20 guests shouldn't be a problem.

Did I mention that when I had this person to my house for a swim party twice this summer, I provided all refreshments, and when I visited her in her home a few weeks later for a kids' "play date," I took snacks and drinks for all of the children as a thank-you for having us over? I also recently gave this new friend a ticket to an amusement park that my family could not use (after she requested it).

Am I being too sensitive that this person expects her guests to provide almost everything for her party? Should my husband and I be courteous and attend? If not, how can I pass along the message that we do not wish to attend because of the inappropriate invitation?

GENTLE READER: Think of it as a Halloween prank -- your friend is pretending to be a hostess, but she really isn't. There is a lot of that going around, and not just on Halloween. Nevertheless, in real life, a hostess does what you do -- extends hospitality, rather than requesting it of those she invites.

A guest does not criticize an invitation. Whether you attend depends on whether you think any enjoyment you might derive offsets the entrance fee. Miss Manners assures you that even gracious invitations may be declined with thanks and without excuses.

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