DEAR MISS MANNERS: We contribute to a performing-arts series, and as a result we're occasionally invited to "thank-you" or donor recognition events. The latest was an invitation to a recognition black-tie dinner at a cost to guests of $75 per person. With a tuxedo rental, this comes to about $200 a couple to be "thanked."

This is no small sum to us.

I realize that nonprofits may do "benefit" events where a high ticket price is actually a contribution, but our invitation makes clear that this is not the case. Is this an accepted practice that I've simply never encountered? I don't expect a fancy recognition dinner anyway -- it wouldn't be charity if I did. But I thought hosts were expected to provide for occasions within their means rather than asking guests to finance more lavish events. Aside from benefits, shouldn't nonprofit groups follow the same guideline?

The real question is how to respond. For the actual RSVP, obviously we can simply decline, and an explanation isn't required. But what might I say to an offhand inquiry of why we're not coming? And if I had an opportunity to make a gentle suggestion against this sort of event, how might I phrase it?

GENTLE READER: It is indeed common for charities to think that the way to thank their donors is to give them another opportunity to give. Now that they are required to write letters of acknowledgement for tax purposes, these inevitably contain less thanks than suggestions of going on to the next "level" of giving.

It is as if your nephew thanked you for giving him a bicycle by suggesting that next you should give him a motorcycle -- or that perhaps you would like to become a grand patron and give him a car. In regard to the dinner, it would be like his thanking you by making a restaurant reservation so you can treat yourself to a big dinner.

Miss Manners agrees that you should simply decline to assume the costs of the organization's thanking you. Should an opportunity present itself for you to discuss the matter, you could protest, "Oh, I want my charitable contributions to help others; I'm not going to spend it on congratulating myself."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please advise me on proper manners when eating lunch at a restaurant with business associates. I am a picky eater and often order an entree with several condiments left off. If my order is served incorrectly, I send it back until it's correct. Also, I often avoid eating the side dishes.

This feels unprofessional and often attracts comments from my colleagues. Am I being rude? Should I instead request that we go to restaurants where I like a larger percentage of the food?

GENTLE READER: Rude? No. Restaurants sell food as ordered, and if the order is not filled correctly, you may certainly send it back. What you choose not to eat should not be a matter of concern to others.

Had you asked Miss Manners whether you are being annoying, the answer would not be so reassuring. When people go out to eat together, they are not charmed to have to listen to endless negotiations over the food. Suggesting another restaurant, or finding something simple that you can eat without elaborate alterations, would be tactful.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a dear friend achieves tenure, what would be an appropriate recognition and/or gift?

GENTLE READER: A good book. Miss Manners assures you that it has been years since your friend was able to read something outside of his or her field.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife recently received a phone call out of the blue from a salesperson who wanted to make an in-home sales visit. He was very polite and introduced himself by identifying a friend of hers as the person who gave him her name and phone number.

My wife did not object to receiving the phone call despite the fact that she was not informed of this by her friend beforehand. The visit went well, and now my wife wants to refer the salesman to a number of her own friends.

I caution her that not everyone appreciates being called unexpectedly by salespeople. Although these are her own friends, it is still good etiquette to get their consent before giving their names and phone numbers to the salesman.

She disagrees. Do you think I am overreacting?

GENTLE READER: If your wife believes that no one objects to receiving unsolicited calls from salespeople, tell her about the Do Not Call List. There was a stampede to get on it by people who considered such calls to be a major nuisance in their lives.

But Miss Manners hates to take sides in marital disputes, and there is a simple solution here that should satisfy you both.

Your wife may have reason to know that her friends would be receptive. In such cases, she could give her friends the salesman's number, instead of the other way around.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is getting married in a couple of weeks, and I have a friend who will be attending the wedding with his life partner. I am not sure what the proper etiquette would be for introducing a gay couple to other friends and relatives. Such as: "Hello, Uncle Al, this is my friend Peter from college. This is his life partner, David."

Would that be appropriate? In normal circumstances I would probably ask my friend ahead of time how he would prefer to be introduced, I'm just not sure if I will be able to get hold of him before the wedding.

GENTLE READER: These are normal circumstances, and the word in use is "partner." Given the statistical likelihood of any couple staying together for life, Miss Manners considers it foolhardy to add the extra word.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a last name which, when I introduce myself to strangers, inspires jokes. While not wanting to seem like a bad sport, I've spent my entire life hearing the same jokes and I am no longer amused. What is the appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: Not to be amused. Not even to pretend to be amused. Miss Manners has a firm rule against joking about people's names, but she is afraid that it is only when faced with a deadpan expression that people understand that this is neither as original nor as cute as they imagine.

: