DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sunday I was at the new condo of a close friend of mine for over 13 years, and I accidentally bumped into her screen door. As the bump was quite severe, the door was knocked off its track (but otherwise not damaged).

I apologized and placed the door back on its track. For the rest of the condo-warming party, my friend's parents preceded to make veiled jibes in reference to the incident. I politely went along with the jibes, and proceeded to depart the party after an hour and a half.

However, upon returning to work today, my co-worker informed me that he had heard about the incident from my friend after I left. Apparently, my friend took it upon herself to continue where her parents left off and joke about the incident to the rest of the partygoers after I had departed. Mind you, when the incident happened at the party, the only people present were myself, my friend and her parents.

From what my grandmother taught me about etiquette, I was always led to believe that a gracious hostess should help her guests feel at ease and not remind them about their mistakes. I would like to speak with my friend and let her know that I did not appreciate her actions, as I really do feel further embarrassed, but I'm not positive that this is the best recourse.

GENTLE READER: Did your grandmother mention that sometimes a gracious hostess has to remind her guest of a mistake in order to make her feel at ease?

When there is a spectacular accident with no serious consequences, ignoring it may suggest that the perpetrator is habitually clumsy to the point that no one is surprised. Making a joke of it could demonstrate that it was an unusual occurrence embarrassing neither hostess nor guest.

Admittedly, Miss Manners is hard pressed to think how your hostess and her parents made such a funny story out of this that it was worth drawing to the attention of people who had not noticed. But let us assume that that was her intention and move on to the real etiquette problem: Making her stop.

There comes a point when even welcome teasing gets on the nerves. Having passed that point, you can say, without rancor, "Can we please drop the screen door joke now? It's beginning to wear on me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a light-skinned woman in my mid-40s, it is not uncommon for my face to turn quite red several times a day as I suffer through the hot flashes commonly associated with menopause. At times, co-workers or acquaintances will comment on my red face and ask me if I've been out in the sun. How should I reply to these questions and comments? I'm not a sunbather, and besides, they are likely to notice that my "sunburned" face returns to its normal shade after a few minutes.

GENTLE READER: "Stop, please. You're making me blush."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a divorced man in my late 40s. My religious belief prohibits my ever re-marrying as long as my former spouse is living.

I would like to entertain in my home; however, since I never date anymore, I am hesitant. I would like to give a decent party, and nearly all my guests would be married couples. I've always been told that my parties were great, but I am afraid that not many people will show up.

What do you think would be proper? I am talking about an 8 to 11 no-alcohol party with catered refreshments, a couple of games, a door prize, conversation and dancing.

Even though I am very masculine, rude remarks have been made because of my status. A woman wouldn't have this problem.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners can think of another reason that you might not be as popular as you would wish. If you confided your notion that ladies would not have such problems, you will have offended those who know better. Rude speculations to which unattached ladies are routinely subjected range from their not being attractive enough to be married to their being eager to snag the other ladies' husbands.

Miss Manners can also think of a worse reason that your invitations might be rejected. There are people who cannot imagine social life without alcohol and are outraged at the very idea of spending an evening without a drink. You are better off without them, since anyone so fixated is likely to be hard on the furniture.

This should leave plenty of people who would enjoy a purely social evening, now something of a rarity in our networking society. But you will never know until you stop fretting and issue those invitations.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'll be beginning college next fall, and my grandmother sent my father a large sum of money to help pay for my tuition. I want to write a thank-you letter, but am not sure the correct way to express this, as the gift wasn't sent to me.

Can I just say "thank you for your generous gift, I appreciate the help very much," and go on to talk about the typical things I say to her in letters (school, friends, summer plans)? Is that enough of a thank-you note? Do I need to say how much was given, or mention that of course I will apply it to my tuition? Should my father send one, too?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would consider the formulaic letter you suggest passable if your grandmother had given you a sweater. But she is helping to give you a college education! What would she have to do to get your full attention and a gush of gratitude?

Of course you mention the present itself -- not the amount of money, but what it represents and what you plan to study and what you think you might do with your education. This should be a You Changed My Life letter. And if your father has any doubt about whether he should take formal notice over the fact that he has been relieved of thousands of dollars worth of debt, the answer is: yes.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, I was fortunate enough to be able to take a class in very basic Russian. I have always had some interest in the Russian language and culture, and naturally my exposure to the language and my conversations with my teacher (a native Ukrainian) sharpened it.

However, some of my close friends have recently taken to referring to my "obsession with all things Russian" in the same way that one speaks of a "culture vulture."

I do appreciate that they care enough about me to note my interests and I am pleased to be shown many of the things that they have guessed I would find interesting, but I feel that the level of my interest in the subject has been slightly misunderstood. Is there a gentle way for me to supply a correction from "obsession" to "general interest," or will anything I say be protesting too much?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners' guess is that your friends are not analyzing whether your degree of interest borders on the insane, but have merely succumbed to vocabulary inflation, which is so common among us. What used to be a mere hobby or outside interest is now described as a passion, as in "Although a bookkeeper by day, her passion is coloring Easter eggs." Nobody even just likes something, but is a "fan of" chocolate chip cookies.

So protesting will be too little in that it will make no difference in what they say, and too much in that it does not reflect what they mean.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my son graduated from high school in June 2003, I invited a few family members and some close friends to the ceremonies. At the time, we were in the process of moving. Unfortunately, the box of graduation stationery was misplaced and included with items that were put into storage. My family and I have been displaced since then.

Growing up, I was taught that one sends thank-you notes to those who accepted and attended the event to which they were invited. And that it was never too late to send a thank-you note.

Due to our circumstances, is this an acceptable reason as to why these thank-you notes were never sent and received? The only one this seems to bother is me. My kids thought I was being silly to worry about this then, let alone now, after almost two years.

GENTLE READER: You think that misplacing the stationary is an excuse for not writing letters of thanks? Or even moving, considering that you were well enough organized to give a party?

And your children believe there is a statute of limitations on them, so that if you wait long enough, you get off free?

Miss Manners is so offended by these excuses as to regret profoundly that she must relieve you of your misgivings. Thank-you letters are always charming to send, but you are by no means required to write them to thank your guests, who should be thanking you.

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