DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I have been in definite agreement for a while that we would like to get married after I was done with graduate school. However, we felt that it would be in poor taste to announce an engagement for a wedding that was still years down the line, so few people know about our plans yet.

The problem I am having is that I have recently been hearing a lot of women say that you cannot be truly engaged unless a guy has bent down on his knee and given you a ring and said the magic words.

My boyfriend never offered me such a proposal, but he has expressed his sincerity in many other ways. I do not see the point of having him get down on bended knee to propose to me now when we are ready to announce our engagement considering that I already know he wants to marry me. Plus, I do not want an engagement ring, as there are other things I would rather spend the money on. I was hoping to simply announce that we are planning a wedding on a certain date and leave it at that.

Everybody else I have known who had plans to get married down the line has either gotten officially engaged when they knew they wanted to get married, or else their boyfriends "surprised" them with a proposal as the wedding date drew near. I do not mind not receiving a proposal myself, but I am starting to feel that I must be doing things improperly. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: Nobody.

A definite agreement to be married is the definition of an engagement. Rings, bended knees and announcements are merely optional frills.

But you are dangerously wrong in allowing the expectations of outsiders to make you doubt the decisions you and your fiance make. Miss Manners hopes you will correct this before you find yourself in a marriage being run by gossips.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother is in the final stages of dementia/Alzheimer's, and preparations are being made for her funeral arrangements. My concern is her headstone.

She was married three times and had children from her first two marriages. She is being buried in her parents' lot next to her predeceased third husband. Her first husband, killed during World War II, is buried elsewhere, as is her second husband. She will eventually have her grown child from the first marriage and one of her grown children from her second marriage buried next to her.

The executor, my brother, suggests her maiden name on the headstone and the saying "Beloved wife of... " with the names and years of her marriage to her three husbands. The thought is that this arrangement will explain the various eventual different surnames that will be at that lot. Is this idea acceptable? I conferred with a genealogist cousin and with the headstone company and received an affirmative answer.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is certainly not going to object. Nor, she imagines, are the future passersby in the cemetery, who are likely to be touched by how charming the lady must have been to be three times beloved, and how unfortunate to have been three times widowed.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What rules of etiquette, if any, govern the use of a drinking straw? I know straws aren't exactly part of a proper place setting, but they are continually offered at dining and drinking establishments, and in some cases, they are convenient to use. Other than the obvious suggestion -- don't slurp or blow bubbles! -- how can I avoid looking childish or uncouth while drinking from a straw?

GENTLE READER: Let's see. If it is wrapped and you tear off one end and blow the paper in your sister's face, that would be childish. So is putting it up your nose.

Otherwise, you just need to bring the drink up to your mouth, rather than leaning down to it, and to refrain from unnecessary noises. And Miss Manners begs to differ with you about the slurps, as she permits three relatively discreet ones at the end of an ice cream soda.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: This weekend, my sister and I invited a friend who has had a bad year to our home for some pampering. The invitation was issued a while back, and last week we were both ill. By Thursday we were feeling better but we had been unable to thoroughly clean. We decided not to cancel the weekend and straightened as best we could.

My friend advised she would arrive Friday evening, so I rushed home before 4 to find she was already waiting for me. I did not have time to sweep out her room or change her sheets (I had counted on an hour to put on the finishing touches). I explained what had happened, started straightening her room while she was in the bathroom and was greeted with "the floor is a little messy, can I have a broom?"

My friend is recovering from cancer and was just fired from her job -- they fired her entire division in a cost-saving move, so we had planned to pay for all of her entertainment. We paid for her meals, for her fees into a quilting show and for champagne to cheer her.

Over the course of the weekend she became more and more outspoken. She said something to my sister about the state of the bedrooms (we had closed off access to them because, again, we had not had time to really clean).

On Sunday morning, while I was rushing to make a full breakfast, I could not find a spatula. We have a small kitchen that is in the process of being remodeled and things go astray. She said, "If you would clean more often, you might be able to find one."

Shortly after, at breakfast, she ended the visit with, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but I could never bring my mother here. She is very neat and judges people by their homes. I can just hear her saying 'They don't make their beds... '"

I am afraid I lost my temper. I excused myself, went to mutter in the kitchen, and generally was frigidly polite for the weekend. My sister, who was also offended by this time, started to explain, more pointedly, what occurred, but I am afraid I interrupted her with "We do not owe an explanation."

We ushered our guest out much sooner than planned by pointedly asking her how long the trip to New Hampshire would take her and telling her where the best gas prices were to be had.

I think she was offended. My question is this: Do I owe her an apology for the speed with which the weekend ended? And how much should I grovel for having interrupted my sister?

I have always believed that if a sentence begins with "Please don't take this the wrong way" it probably should not be uttered.

GENTLE READER: Make that "definitely" instead of "probably." And count your erstwhile friend's insult as double because she violated her obligation as your guest as well as that of being a friend.

Etiquette does not require you to accept being insulted in your own house. Nor does it allow you to insult your guest, and Miss Manners congratulates you for getting around that by confining yourself to a frigid tone and assistance with transportation.

As to whether you insulted your sister by interrupting her, you must ask your sister. Miss Manners' guess is that she was grateful for your help.

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