DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please help my friend see how rude and wrong she has been.

Jean's husband went blind from an illness. She was wonderful in the situation. She always wore perfume since he couldn't see her. Arranged the house for his convenience. She read the paper to him every day and they did the puzzle together.

When he died, I knew she would be perfect for a male friend of mine who is also blind. She overreacted and said she would never go through that again. She had let her appearance go since he couldn't see her, and she liked to read the paper to herself.

But taking care of her husband brought out the best in her, and that is when people are really happy. So I invited my blind friend over to try Jean's home cooking. She is really a spectacular cook. I brought all the ingredients and then invited Jean over. When she arrived and found Zachary here, she said, "Oh, no" and walked out.

How do you think that made him feel? My husband and myself had made plans to go out so they could be alone, so we had to ask Zachary to leave.

When I scolded Jean the next day, she jumped on me for making him go home alone and without any dinner. She claims Zachary was our guest, not hers. But we invited him for her because they would be good for each other. Now she won't talk to me at all.

Why is it that those who try to make the world a better place end up unappreciated?

GENTLE READER: Could it be because they have no compunction about grossly insulting and humiliating their guests under the guise of doing them explicitly unwelcome favors?

Miss Manners can hardly count the etiquette atrocities you committed. She tries to remind herself that you meant well, but frankly she can't manage it. If you had given your friends' feelings any thought at all, you would never have done this.

You attempted to trap a guest into a blind date she wished to avoid and into cooking dinner when you had invited her. You led another guest to believe his company would be welcome when you knew it was not, and you threw him out of the house hungry.

Worst of all, you made it clear to supposed friends that the outstanding characteristic of one was his blindness, and of the other her sacrifices -- discounting that they were done for love of her husband rather than a love of sacrifice -- so it didn't matter whether they really had anything in common.

And you call them unappreciative?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is an appropriate gift for a woman who has acted as a surrogate mother of my child?

GENTLE READER: Emotional support. If you want to give her something tangible besides, Miss Manners recommends something glamorously unrelated to the child, such as jewelry. In other words, teddy bears are out.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering the proper order of events, pertaining an engagement. Does the groom ask her father for hand in marriage, then ask her and give her the diamond? Or does he ask her to marry him and then her father?

GENTLE READER: He should not ask her father to marry him. Proposing to two members of the same family can only end in strife or bigamy.

If, however, you wish to ask the father's permission to ask the lady to marry you, you must do so first. However, Miss Manners warns you not to attempt this before being reasonably sure of a favorable reply from the lady. "Your father is OK with your marrying me" is not a persuasive argument these days.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Perhaps I am a bit old-fashioned, but I was taught that men are not supposed to offer to shake hands. I understood that it was only the lady who offered her hand.

My work entails meeting many people on a daily basis and I am always surprised at how many men wish to shake hands. Perhaps if you address this "problem" it will relieve those of us who frequently encounter this situation.

GENTLE READER: Being old-fashioned is not the problem here -- not, mind you, that Miss Manners considers being old-fashioned a problem. You are merely dated. Same idea, but without the mitigating charm.

When ladies started advancing in the workplace in significant numbers, many were unaware that the ladies-first system of precedence, so charming in private life, has no place there. Precedence in a professional situation is based on rank, so it is the higher-ranking person, regardless of gender, who has the choice of offering to shake hands.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please leave the parlor for a moment to lend your expertise to those suffering in the backwoods in tents.

On our first camping trip of the summer, I was unfortunately reminded of why we stopped camping last summer. Is it the lack of running water, the mosquitoes, the spiders in the showers or the poison ivy?

NO! It is the inconsiderate numbskulls in the campsite next door who have never learned or have conveniently forgotten basic campground manners.

The noise, Miss Manners, the noise! I am not talking about young children, crying babies or an occasional loud voice that is immediately shushed. I am referring to those people who cannot for a moment enjoy the quiet and thus bring their boom boxes and thrust their musical selections on all of us, and those who ignore the thin nylon sheet that separates neighbor from neighbor and speak in loud voices all through the night.

Despite a large sign at the check-in desk citing a specific quiet time (11 p.m.!), we were bombarded with raised voices and music all night.

In the early morning, again people pass by tents on their way to the showers with laughter and shouting. PLEASE help us. Perhaps a refresher course on the etiquette of camping could enlighten a new generation and let people curse the mosquitoes instead of their own species at campgrounds.

GENTLE READER: Leave the nice, quiet parlor and go out there in the noisy wilderness? To confront a bunch of scofflaws who already know the rules and have chosen to disobey them?

With your permission, Miss Manners will content herself with endorsing the noise rules and advising you how to approach the noisemakers without inciting them to make trouble as well.

There is something inherently grouchy about telling people, however legitimately, that you are trying to sleep. If you ask them politely if they could be quiet for an hour or so because you are listening for birds, you will at least stun them into momentary silence. And the answer to "You can't hear birds now" is "Precisely. So I wonder if you would turn that off for a while -- I believe it is against the rules anyway -- so that we can try."

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