DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine died last week. Going through my address book today looking for someone else, I came across my deceased friend's name. When is it appropriate to remove it, or is it a matter of dealing with grief?

GENTLE READER: How could it be rude to remove a telephone number that is no longer useful to you, when the person concerned will never know?

That is the practical answer. Yet Miss Manners is well aware of how it feels. Piety toward the dead may not be reasonably defensible, but it is an important part of the human condition. So the answer is to leave it there until the pang it gives you to remove it is manageable, which could be sooner, later or never.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've a question that's bothered me for years -- perhaps more philosophical than etiquette -- but I'll let you decide.

I'm house pianist at an elegant dinner house, and the other night a customer gave me a request and was enjoying himself as I played, but his date seemed unhappy that he was not engaged in CONVERSATION.

Is the sole purpose of dining out just to engage in conversation, or cannot people enjoy the ambiance?

I realize, Miss Manners, that this may not be an either/or question, but I've noticed many people cannot enjoy the ambiance that an elegant dining house offers, but choose nonstop conversation.

I love good conversation, but maybe I'm just being too idealistic when it comes to a dining experience. Where is it written that LISTENING cannot be as enjoyable as TALKING?

If people cannot enjoy themselves when they dine out, something is terribly wrong. Was the gentleman who made the request to me that out of line? Again, I've noticed MANY situations like that through the years, and I would like to hear what you think.

GENTLE READER: You belong on the concert stage. This does not refer to your musical talent and skill, which Miss Manners has not had the pleasure of observing. But it is on the concert stage that you would have the silent attention you want.

In a restaurant, what you are playing, no matter how good you are, is background music. Some people may choose to listen raptly. Others may prefer to converse. Some may choose to listen raptly while their dates would prefer to converse. This is an etiquette problem, but it is one between them.

Miss Manners is not sure there is a philosophical angle to this, but neither is conversing during so-called background music something that can be classified as rude. It is just in the nature of restaurants that many people go there to talk.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I went to a steak house for dinner, my husband informed me that it would be rude to ask for steak sauce (which I always use when I eat steak). I have never heard of this before and, in order to not embarrass him, I ate the whole dinner without my A1 sauce. Can you please tell me if he is right or wrong?

GENTLE READER: Your husband has visions of an enraged chef storming out of the kitchen wanting to know who was insulting his exquisite taste by dousing a foreign substance on the dish he had so carefully prepared. Somehow, Miss Manners doubts it.

It is rude to ask for something to alter the food seriously when you are dining at someone's house, and it may be unwise to do this in the sort of restaurant where it is not unusual to congratulate the chef. Or where the chef can see you from one of those glassed-in kitchens. But not in an ordinary steak house.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I went to dinner with my parents at a fine-dining restaurant serving Japanese cuisine, we ate our appetizers and entrees with chopsticks. For dessert we ordered a warm chocolate cake with ice cream, for which we were given small spoons and forks by our server.

Nonetheless, my mother attempted to eat the cake with chopsticks. I mentioned that I thought that to be poor table manners.

She stated that since we were in a Japanese restaurant, we were allowed to use Japanese utensils. I believed that since we were in an American restaurant serving Japanese cuisine, we remained bound by the conventions of American table manners, which say that, as enjoyable as it might be for oneself, one does not eat cake with chopsticks anymore than one would eat peas with a knife. Please help settle our dispute.

GENTLE READER: You mean from here? And not get to watch your mother trying to eat her ice cream with chopsticks?

The issue is not which country's table manners you should use; either would be fine. Practicing foreign customs can be part of the adventure of eating in a restaurant that offers a foreign cuisine, and the Japanese are quite used to the amusement of seeing Westerners earnestly making a mess.

But whatever your mother was practicing, it was not Japanese manners. She should know that they also use spoons. They do not eat ice cream and cake with chopsticks, for reasons she may have discovered the hard way.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you bear one more not-so-charming innovation in showers?

I recently received an invitation to a baby shower. The honoree, who is carrying twins, is a good friend of mine, but I'm only slightly acquainted with one of the three hostesses.

Accompanying the invitation was a small slip of paper that informed me I had the opportunity to win a gift basket at the party. All I had to do to be considered for the drawing was to bring a package of diapers. The more packages of diapers I contributed, it said, the better my chances of winning.

I'm presuming this is in addition to the traditional shower gift.

Where does it end? I feel like I'm being invited to a fund-raiser, not a shower. Should I boycott under the guise of a previous commitment or attend and ignore the wonderful "opportunity" the hostesses have presented? I'm half-afraid I'll be refused admission if I show up with only my customary charming and appropriate gift for the new mother and her babies.

GENTLE READER: The answer to your first question -- can Miss Manners bear it? -- is no. Just when she thinks she has suffered through enough, someone comes up with a new scheme for raising funds or demanding dry goods from those who are supposed to be friends.

Skipping such so-called parties is the simple option that few of those dunned seem to consider. However, as this is a good friend of yours, you may want to overlook the greed, or attribute it to her having less-refined friends than yourself.

Miss Manners hopes you are mistaken about the appalling possibility of your being turned away at the door. But as a precaution, she suggests answering the invitation by saying, "I'd love to come, but I won't be participating in the lottery -- is that all right?"

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