DEAR MISS MANNERS: For months, I had been trying to obtain a particular rare plant. The only place that has it, though rarely, is a local nursery. After calling, I was told they had one in, but that it was being held for someone. They said they would call her and see if she still wanted it.

About a half-hour later, I called back and asked, "Do you have that plant?" The clerk said, "My goodness, you called back quickly. You can come pick it up." I drove right over.

While still at the nursery, it dawned on me that the clerk thought I might be the other woman who had placed a hold on the plant. While I usually pay with credit, I quickly paid in cash and drove home with my new, rare plant.

When I shared my happiness and this clever story with my co-workers, I received a chilly response. For an entire day, they were curt with me and never once congratulated me or said they were happy for me. How can I politely tell my jealous co-workers that their rudeness hurt my feelings?

GENTLE READER: That wasn't rudeness. On the contrary, coldness is the politest and most restrained way of indicating moral repulsion.

Miss Manners, who feels a chill herself, will confine herself to the manners aspect of this situation. It is that if you are going to cheat people, at least refrain from bragging about it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law and sister-in-law are planning a two-week visit, timing it for right after the birth of my twins. I also have two older children, ages 4 and 6.

My mother-in-law tells me that she needs all her food to be salt-free and low-fat, and she wants "plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables." My sister-in-law says she is a vegetarian, and that she only eats low-fat. Our family eats all food groups, and doesn't try to eat low-fat or low-salt. All the meals I make, and all the foods in our refrigerator and cabinets, and all my cookbooks and recipes, reflect this.

I follow Miss Manners' guidelines in all things, even when it means doing what I don't want to do. Obviously I don't want to cook vegetarian, salt-free and low-fat when I've never done it before, especially with newborn twins, especially for two full weeks. If this were one big family meal it wouldn't be an issue: I know that I could put out extra bowls of vegetables and extra baskets of bread, and leave out the salt and let people season their own. But I can't see feeding my sister-in-law nothing but corn and peas for two weeks -- she'll need vegetarian proteins, won't she?

GENTLE READER: And you will need rest, won't you? Did you think that Miss Manners would ignore that and insist upon rigidly applying rules of hospitality designed for ordinary visits?

You did not plan this visit, and it would not be rude of you to say that you cannot handle their staying with you at this time, suggesting another time or that they find accommodations nearby. Better yet, you could welcome them with the hearty exclamation, "I'm so glad you're coming! I can use all the help I can get! If you'll take care of the cooking, we'll get the supplies ahead of time if you give us a list."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been unfortunate in that my mother had never taught me how to sit "like a lady." I've been told that it involves crossing one's ankles and placing one's feet flatly on the floor. Whenever I attempt this, my foot ends up on its side, giving me much pain after sitting for a long period. Am I attempting this correctly?

GENTLE READER: Not exactly. Etiquette may occasionally pull someone's leg in a playful mood, but it never twists an ankle.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate response when someone comments to us about how attractive they find our shelter dog?

We live in a small, narrow home, and wanted to adopt a small dog without too much energy to burn. On our first visit to the shelter, I noticed and fell in love at first sight with a puppy whose heritage was uncertain. Her littermates all appeared to be black Labradors or something similar -- all larger than we wanted -- but she bore a remarkable resemblance to the most adorable variety of Australian sheep or cattle herders (also larger, but she was too adorable to resist).

It was early in the day on the first day she was made available for the public to see. We all fell in love with her, based superficially on her color patterns. We immediately decided to begin the adoption process.

Since then, we run into many people at the local dog park who remember her from the shelter, and who comment on how beautiful she is. Other dog owners who never saw her at the shelter compliment us on how attractive she is.

My thought is to tell them that I agree with them, and say that we were lucky to have found her before someone else did, and that we fell in love with her at first sight. My wife's thought is to say "thank you," which strikes me as taking credit for something we were lucky to have discovered.

How should we respond to these compliments on something for which we feel merely fortunate to have found before anyone else did?

GENTLE READER: It is sweet that you are so besotted, but nobody in the world thinks that you are responsible for the good looks of your dog, and nobody thinks you think you are. Miss Manners wants to put your mind to rest about that.

Saying "thank you" for a compliment to you or yours merely acknowledges mild gratitude in response to a kindly meant statement. You are welcome to follow this with a word or two about how lucky you are. It is only when you seem to reject credit that you raise the peculiar question of why you think you must do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attend a state college and often use their computers labs. I cannot help but notice that many of the students keep the sound on their computers on. This is especially a distraction and annoyance when a "bling" effect happens every time they send or receive a message.

I do not know what possesses the school to purchase computers with speakers in the first place, but would I be wrong to ask these computer users to turn the sound on their machine off?

GENTLE READER: Not if you do it politely with a whispered, "I'm sorry, but would you mind...?"

Miss Manners doubts that you will meet any resistance. It is not as though the blings are part of the entertainment. Probably it is just one of those things that didn't occur to anyone -- the purchasers of the computers, the supervisors of the labs or the users. You could therefore save yourself trouble by mentioning it to someone in authority and asking for a general rule, rather than having to go around to individual users.

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