DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two friends (we are in our mid-20s) who feel the need to weigh in on every aspect of everyone else's dating life. Neither of them date very much because they are both total snobs and very negative.

Whenever any of their friends starts dating someone new, and anything sketchy happens in the first few weeks of dating -- like someone doesn't call you back when they say they will -- my friends will go on a relentless campaign in favor of dumping the new person. If you try to stick up for yourself, it causes a fight, and they both act like martyrs, saying, "Well, I know you'll call me unsupportive, but I just hate it when my friends date losers who don't respect them!"

Is this good friend behavior?

GENTLE READER: Why, they are such good friends that they cannot bear to think of your tolerating anyone who is less than perfect. And as everyone is less than perfect, they believe that you would be happier if you spent your time listening to their critiques rather than consorting with imperfect gentlemen.

Miss Manners notes, however, that your good friends do not meet their own standard. The issue is just what they deplore in your beaux: a lack of respect for you. Surely your judgment is key when it comes to deciding what lapses in behavior you find forgivable or correctable and which constitute firing offenses, yet they do not respect it.

You could accept their criteria, which would require firing them, or you could set an example of human kindness by overlooking their faults. In the latter case, Miss Manners would strongly suggest that you cease reporting your beaux' peccadilloes to them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a problem with politely ending Instant Messaging conversations. I know one should treat them similarly to telephone conversations, but without the subtleties of voice tone and pauses, it's hard for me to skillfully maneuver my way out of them.

I also don't have the excuse of it being impossible to do something else on the computer while talking through IM, but sometimes I really want to concentrate on reading, writing or drawing, instead of having an hours-long conversation about nothing in particular.

Some of my acquaintances adapt the practice of simply not responding to my last remark once they judge the conversation over. Since I know it leaves me feeling awkward as I wait for their response, I don't want to employ this tactic. Just saying "'Bye, I have something better to do than talk to you now" feels awfully impolite. I've sometimes had to turn to inventing appointments or people coming in to talk to me in order to excuse myself from such conversations. What is the correct manner in which to end IM conversations?

GENTLE READER: You were doing fine until you got to the part after "'Bye." Declaring that you have something better to do is, of course, rude, but inventing something to do that is less unflattering to your correspondent is not the solution.

Miss Manners cannot imagine that even those most devoted to their computers, who have not interacted with a real, live person for years, fail to understand that they cannot command everyone's constant attention.

Signing off, which Miss Manners agrees you should do, does not require an excuse. "'Bye for now," or "Talk to you later" are quite polite enough.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to tell my boyfriend that I am pregnant? We have been dating for five years, but I do not know how he will react.

GENTLE READER: Neither does Miss Manners, but she believes that it would be a good idea for you to find out.

She recommends covering him with congratulations and kisses. While this is not likely to be a case where his delight or distress hangs on the wording of your statement, it is the gracious way to hint what reaction is expected.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had braces put on my teeth, and my fiance's sister-in-law finds it rude that after we eat dinner with my future in-laws at a picnic or restaurant, I excuse myself without saying where I am going so I can brush my teeth and clean the remnants of food from between my braces and wires.

I do not begin picking food from my teeth at the dinner table. My future in-laws know what I am doing and they have not said anything. I have a toothbrush at their house so I can brush after dinner, and I also carry one in my purse so I can brush in the restaurants' restrooms after I eat. Am I being rude by brushing my teeth after dinner?

GENTLE READER: Does your future sister-in-law never use the bathroom, and do the rest of you get to vote on whether you approve of whatever she does there?

As you know, picking your teeth at the table would be rude, as would discussing your hygienic intentions. But if excusing yourself after dinner to go to the bathroom were rude, the polite world could quickly turn unbearable.

Miss Manners assures you that what you do in the bathroom after you excuse yourself from the table can be deemed neither polite nor rude, as it does not affect other people. Unfortunately she cannot say the same about the other lady's behavior toward you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend of two years has been in Iraq for nearly a year. He will be returning to the States for a 14-day rest-and-relaxation visit.

Since he has been away, his mother has been battling cancer and has had a bone marrow transplant, but seems to be doing well. I know she really misses her son and seeing him will really help her.

He will be flying into their home state to visit with them and I have been invited to stay for seven days. I'm not entirely sure the mother wants me there and I don't want to impose on her time with her son, but I would really like to spend some time with him, too. I feel as though I have a right and a need to be there, but I also wonder if I'm being selfish.

GENTLE READER: Declining to go and being selfish are not your only choices. You could go there and be unselfish.

If you care about this gentleman, surely you care about his troubles and do not want to add to them. But in small ways you might be able to help him with them.

Of course his ill mother should have private time with him. You can make this easier by volunteering to relieve him of any chores or errands that he might otherwise do. You can also be cheerful about suggesting that you visit for fewer days, or that you schedule your own private time with him when his mother is resting or otherwise occupied.

Miss Manners does not see you and his mother as having opposing claims on him, and apparently neither does your beau. His inviting you at this time indicates that it would be a comfort to him, as well as a pleasure, to have you there, and even perhaps that his mother, feeling her mortality, wants to get to know you.

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