For a moment there, Miss Manners thought she saw a chance to give the custom of tipping some serious analysis. Maybe a 15 to 18 percent chance. Who, besides tax-dodgers and bill-dodgers, wouldn't like to see the tipping system exposed for the farce that it is?

Others, on both sides of the tip, are wary of being cheated. In all the transactions in which tipping is customary -- transportation, public accommodations, personal services -- there is someone thinking "Are they going to stiff me?" if not "How much more can I make them give me?" and someone else thinking "Am I being a sucker?" if not "How little can I get away with?"

With the addition of holiday tipping, it just gets worse, with one side afraid of being overlooked and the other of being bilked. Then there is the uncertainly about who is within or above the tipping line, and the confusion between tips and presents.

What might have been the catalyst for reform was a case earlier this fall, when a customer in an upstate New York grill was arrested after leaving a 10 percent tip on the pizza bill that he and eight others had run up. The restaurant had stated that an 18 percent tip was mandatory for parties of six people or more.

The charge for the food was $77.43. The charge for failing to leave a larger tip was theft of services. So the case hinged on whether tipping is voluntary, as an expression of approval or disapproval on the part of the tipper, or mandatory, as a portion of the server's wages for services rendered -- a part to be paid directly by the customer instead of through the employer.

The accused maintained the former, claiming to be generally a good tipper who found the service bad. The restaurateur claimed the latter, stating that he was standing up for "the hard-working people who worked for me" and who work "strictly for tips."

The judge ruled in favor of the defendant. Miss Manners does not disagree with this verdict, as the society does make a hair-splitting distinction between an added-on "service charge," which is part of the bill, and a tip, which is understood to be voluntary.

But she wishes there had been some way to recognize that the restaurateur was also justified in his assertion that the society also recognizes that restaurant servers do work largely, if not entirely, on the expectation of tips. Knowing this, polite people leave at least the conventional tip (a 15 percent minimum before tax is added) regardless of the quality of the service. (If it is bad, they should complain, as in other cases when people do not perform adequately that which they are hired to do.)

The fact is that what we have here is an incoherent system. In what sense do the servers work for the restaurateur if he does not pay them wages? Is it that he provides a venue and situation in which the servers can try to impress -- or press -- the customers into giving them handouts? And is that a dignified way to do business?

The just solution is to have employers pay the employees, passing on the cost to customers frankly, by building the amount into the cost of the dishes ordered.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it appropriate or inappropriate to have a housewarming party? I am recently divorced and am buying my first home. As with many divorces we split most everything, and I cannot afford to replace many needed items at this time. What is the protocol? Am I supposed to register for items that I need or ask for gift cards or just take what I can get?

GENTLE READER: What exactly is warm about this plan? Miss Manners seems to have missed the part about how eager you are to welcome your friends to your new home. You have gotten right down to the business of whether you can make them help furnish your house.

Not politely -- and not reliably, even if you are willing to be so impolite as to indicate that your welcome is dependent on their not showing up empty-handed. Some may want to give you presents, others may feel they have to do so, but the last time Miss Manners checked, presents were voluntary, not some sort of tax that a host can levy on guests.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On Halloween night, I heard what I thought was a large group arriving at my door. They seemed to take quite a while to organize themselves before ringing the bell.

When I opened the door I saw why: I was met with two children on the step in costume, two adults carrying large battery-powered lights (would these be called gaffers or key grips in the industry?), one adult with a video camera aimed at me, and another adult I assumed to be the director/producer.

I fought the urge to shut the door, and distributed treats as required, since anything I could have done would have been permanently recorded for the family's future entertainment.

Is this a new common practice, just now reaching my area? Am I wrong to feel put upon? As a shy person, should I plan to wear a costume of my own next year, so I can wave a broom at the camera?

GENTLE READER: What a good idea. Indeed, you were put upon and, also indeed, you were stuck. The most Miss Manners could suggest would have been saying politely, "Would you mind turning off those lights, please? I can't see to give the children their candy."

Amateur filmmakers are a plague, Miss Manners agrees. At least professionals would have known the union rules in regard to contracting featured players.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: HELP ME, PLEASE! I recently went out with a man who took me on an unusually nice first date. The bill came to $150 (I peeked, and gasped) and he insisted on paying for everything. When I said that I would like to pay the tip, he replied, "That's unacceptable."

I caught on right away that he was very much an old-fashioned (26-year-old) gentleman. Everything he did was right out of a gentleman's handbook.

However, I never heard from him, even after a fabulous date with sparks flying everywhere and a sweet kiss goodnight. I couldn't figure it out!

I ran into him this past Saturday and he said that I was supposed to call HIM to say "thank you." He said that if a man takes you out on a nice date, that it's rude not to call and say "thank you." Once we figured out that I didn't KNOW that (who would?), I apologized and now we're going out again.

I know that he has always liked me, but I really think that it's true that a man is supposed to call YOU! What do you think? Please help, I'm dying to know if he is really right or not!

GENTLE READER: No, and Miss Manners is afraid that she is a lot less enthusiastic about him than you are. It is not his being mistaken in thinking that the lady must add a second-day call to the thanks she gives a gentleman for having entertained her. It is his sulking about it -- not a gentlemanly thing to do.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few years ago, I decided to change my life by joining a gym, and since then, I have become progressively more interested in health and fitness. I've also lost about 10 pounds and feel wonderful.

I want to help people by sharing with them how hard it was for me to reach my goals, while explaining to them that if I can do it, they can, too. I also want to set a good example for others by practicing self-control. However, I don't want to show off or make people feel badly about their own choices.

Next time an overweight friend confides that she doesn't know why she can't lose weight, while she chugs down a double mocha latte, should I bite my tongue, or should I point out the obvious?

Next time a gracious person encourages me to try a calorie-laden dessert, should I take some and discreetly not eat it, or should I politely decline while explaining that those sorts of foods are no longer part of my diet?

Next time someone compliments my shoulders while complaining about their own, should I just say "thank you" or should I discuss the benefits of weightlifting in addition to cardio?

I only want to help those who are interested, but I also don't think I should have to be "in the closet" about being healthy.

GENTLE READER: Now that you are happy with your weight, Miss Manners would think you would be delighted to be in the closet. Isn't it packed with favorite outfits that you can now wear again?

Anyway, you are making the common error of believing that the only place for you other than the closet is a soapbox.

Thick or thin, you are still bound by the etiquette rule against haranguing people, especially those who are gracious enough to offer you treats and compliments.

Your only opportunity to "share" is to reply to inquiries from overweight friends actively seeking advice. Miss Manners assures you that they already know which foods are fattening; what they want to know is how to avoid the temptation of eating them anyway.

Wait -- there is one more thing you can do. You say that you want to set a good example by practicing self-control. Miss Manners suggests you do this by enjoying your own success while minding your own business.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My maid of honor is going to be throwing me a shower. Is it proper for me to be at the shower when my guests arrive and greet them, or am I, as the bride, supposed to be fashionably late?

GENTLE READER: There is no such thing as fashionably late, as you will realize if your bridegroom is not waiting at the altar when you get there.

Unless it is a surprise party, in which case you would not be asking Miss Manners the question, the guest of honor should be there to greet the guests.

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