DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does one do with used linen guest towels? As a hostess, I provide a stack of lovely guest towels in the first-floor "powder room," but they are never used; guests use the one towel on the towel rack.

I believe the reluctance to use the guest towels is perplexity regarding the disposal of the towel once it is used. I keep a smallish, basket-type receptacle on the floor for disposal -- to no avail. What should I provide for my guests and how do I convey use of the items I provide?

GENTLE READER: It's not the disposal problem. It's the totem problem.

Of all things to revere, our society has chosen to treat the guest towel as a sacred object, not to be profaned by use. People who scorn etiquette and flout its rules nevertheless respect the linen guest towel.

You have done all you reasonably can, and the rest is up to your guests. Other despairing hostesses have resorted to terrycloth or "fancy" paper versions, but Miss Manners considers that pandering.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband waits tables in a fine-dining restaurant that is run by a family. They are all incredibly rude, asking questions that are quite frankly none of their business.

I worked in this restaurant for about a year until I realized I couldn't put up with the erratic demands and fiery temperament of one of the owners in particular.

This man is where my trouble comes in. There is no actual cutoff time to the dinner shift. It's basically a situation where they "get out when they get out." For this reason, I occasionally find myself having to call and ask my husband if he's ready to be picked up. I only call when I'm not going to be at home and he won't know where to find me.

Usually when I call, this rude owner picks up the phone and makes inappropriate jokes to me like, "He left with another girl" or "He's in the back making out with one of the waitresses." I understand that these are supposed to be construed as jokes. I have tried to take this with a grain of salt, but I have to say that after a year of this I am ready to blow.

I have actually tried to just figure out when my husband would be off and wait out front for him in the car. However, I am eight months pregnant and I have a 2 year old. It's not rational to have to do this.

What do you suggest? If you are going to suggest that my husband say something, I have already asked him to set some boundaries with this man and his response is "He's just kidding."

GENTLE READER: Not having to deal with tedious intermediaries is as good an argument as Miss Manners has heard in favor of cellular telephones.

But even if you do have to talk to such a person, you don't have to encourage him by reacting. The reply to "He left with another girl" should be "Please tell him to call me when he gets back," and to "He's in the back making out" should be "Please tell him to call me when he's finished." It should not be hard to muster a bored tone with which to respond to such boring jokes.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A 30-something friend's mother died in a traffic accident, at which his father was injured but recovered. Theirs had been a long and happy marriage.

On the one-year anniversary of her death, the family and friends held a celebratory memorial event, with dancing and speeches (the mother was a teacher of Scottish country dance). During the evening, my friend's father introduced him to his new girlfriend, a contemporary he met at dance class.

Was it appropriate for the girlfriend to come to the event as the father's "date"? (I can certainly see her attending if she was a friend or acquaintance of the deceased, but I have some difficulty finding it appropriate that she did so in the capacity of the "new woman.") And was it appropriate for the father to introduce her as the new woman in his life to his son at this event?

My friend found the whole thing rather traumatic. He is not opposed to his father finding someone new and likes the lady perfectly well, but would have preferred to meet her for the first time at an event not dedicated to the memory of his mother.

GENTLE READER: Where does your friend's father get his etiquette tips? From Hamlet's mother?

You may recall that when Hamlet told his friend about her marriage to his uncle soon after his father's death, he said she must have been guided by "Thrift, thrift, Horatio! the funeral bak'd meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables."

Combining mourning rites with irrelevant events is a terrible idea that a number of people seem to harbor. Every Christmas Miss Manners has to tell people that no, they should not put death announcements into their Christmas cards. But it is particularly vulgar when the new element has to do with romantic consolation for the bereaved, no matter how much is saved on the refreshments.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fastidious in responding promptly to the sender of an invitation that contains an RSVP request, with one exception. From time to time I receive such an invitation from an institution or politician to whom I have given money in the past. The card to be returned usually gives me the choice of selecting from two options. One option is to say I can attend and that my check is enclosed. The other option allows me to say that I cannot attend, but that I am enclosing a check anyway.

The option of both not attending and not paying is not offered. I feel as if I am entitled to ignore any RSVP for an event that requires me to pay. Am I correct?

GENTLE READER: Nobody is as much of a stickler about answering invitations as Miss Manners, but yes, you are correct. No useful work would get done in the world if we all had to respond to mail solicitations for money with charming little notes explaining how terribly sorry we are not to have the honor of bankrolling them.

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Foreign languages have always been a problem for Americans. It is not just that we are thought to have a particularly hard time learning them, but that we are thought to have a particularly hard time understanding why foreigners speak them.

Miss Manners receives a great many letters on this subject, and invariably the complainant diagnoses the habit of speaking languages he or she does not understand as being deliberately rude. It is done, they claim, to make the person who does not speak the language feel left out, or to say something insulting about that person to his face without getting caught.

Miss Manners can think of other reasons people speak foreign languages in front of those who do not understand:

-- It is their country and their language, and they are very sorry (or not) that the visitor can't speak it; repeating himself, shouting, making funny gestures and getting exasperated is not going to help.

-- It is not the language of the country they are in, but it is the only language they know well enough to get across what they want to say.

-- It is a language they are learning and they want to practice it, even if they have to resort to doing so in a restaurant where the food is of the country whose language it is, but the waiter to whom they are speaking is not.

-- They want their children to learn the language, so they are deliberately tantalizing them.

-- They are speaking to others who know the language, and don't feel responsible for making themselves understood to people who are not party to the immediate conversation.

Miss Manners is well aware that all such situations refer to deep emotional issues. The responsibility to welcome strangers is opposed to the responsibility of the visitor or immigrant to learn the language of the country he or she is in. The responsibility not to exclude people who are present is opposed to the responsibility not to eavesdrop on private conversations. The need to practice must be posited against the need to avoid either showing off or trying others' patience. The inestimable value and charm of diverse cultures must be weighed against the likelihood of dangerous misunderstandings.

So we look into motivation to determine whether or not these situations are rude.

If the newcomer is making an effort, however rudimentary, to speak the local language, the locals are supposed to make an effort, however rudimentary, to help. To snub such efforts, or not to make them, is rude.

To carry on conversations when someone who should be part of them cannot understand is rude. In the case of those who marry into families where a foreign language is spoken, the rules apply about trying and helping. However, to object to others' speaking another language among themselves is rude, and to assume that they must be talking about oneself is arrogant, unless they are also pointing and giggling.

It should be noted, however, that parents are excused from speaking a foreign language in front of their own minor children if they make it clear to the child that they are talking either about him or about something scandalous. That is called education, and has inspired many a child to learn a foreign language.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Help. A male acquaintance of mine is dating a lovely lady and he has invited her to a ball that is the major social event of the season. He wants to know if he should offer to pay for her new gown and accessories, or if it is mannerly to offer to pay 50 percent of the cost. He really seems to think that there is a proper etiquette for this, and I've been trying to help him find out.

GENTLE READER: Your friend is either rich and cunning or naive and on his way to penury. He may mean well, but any lady would be insulted at the suggestion that he clothe her when taking her out.

Notice that Miss Manners said "any lady." She is well aware that many would not only accept but suggest that he include a fur wrap in case it turns chilly. It may be that he got the idea from someone who claimed she could not afford to go out with him without his giving her a clothing allowance.

Nevertheless, the fact remains that it is an indignity that should be neither offered nor accepted. Not to mention buying wardrobes is a financially ruinous way to date.

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