Foreign languages have always been a problem for Americans. It is not just that we are thought to have a particularly hard time learning them, but that we are thought to have a particularly hard time understanding why foreigners speak them.

Miss Manners receives a great many letters on this subject, and invariably the complainant diagnoses the habit of speaking languages he or she does not understand as being deliberately rude. It is done, they claim, to make the person who does not speak the language feel left out, or to say something insulting about that person to his face without getting caught.

Miss Manners can think of other reasons people speak foreign languages in front of those who do not understand:

-- It is their country and their language, and they are very sorry (or not) that the visitor can't speak it; repeating himself, shouting, making funny gestures and getting exasperated is not going to help.

-- It is not the language of the country they are in, but it is the only language they know well enough to get across what they want to say.

-- It is a language they are learning and they want to practice it, even if they have to resort to doing so in a restaurant where the food is of the country whose language it is, but the waiter to whom they are speaking is not.

-- They want their children to learn the language, so they are deliberately tantalizing them.

-- They are speaking to others who know the language, and don't feel responsible for making themselves understood to people who are not party to the immediate conversation.

Miss Manners is well aware that all such situations refer to deep emotional issues. The responsibility to welcome strangers is opposed to the responsibility of the visitor or immigrant to learn the language of the country he or she is in. The responsibility not to exclude people who are present is opposed to the responsibility not to eavesdrop on private conversations. The need to practice must be posited against the need to avoid either showing off or trying others' patience. The inestimable value and charm of diverse cultures must be weighed against the likelihood of dangerous misunderstandings.

So we look into motivation to determine whether or not these situations are rude.

If the newcomer is making an effort, however rudimentary, to speak the local language, the locals are supposed to make an effort, however rudimentary, to help. To snub such efforts, or not to make them, is rude.

To carry on conversations when someone who should be part of them cannot understand is rude. In the case of those who marry into families where a foreign language is spoken, the rules apply about trying and helping. However, to object to others' speaking another language among themselves is rude, and to assume that they must be talking about oneself is arrogant, unless they are also pointing and giggling.

It should be noted, however, that parents are excused from speaking a foreign language in front of their own minor children if they make it clear to the child that they are talking either about him or about something scandalous. That is called education, and has inspired many a child to learn a foreign language.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Help. A male acquaintance of mine is dating a lovely lady and he has invited her to a ball that is the major social event of the season. He wants to know if he should offer to pay for her new gown and accessories, or if it is mannerly to offer to pay 50 percent of the cost. He really seems to think that there is a proper etiquette for this, and I've been trying to help him find out.

GENTLE READER: Your friend is either rich and cunning or naive and on his way to penury. He may mean well, but any lady would be insulted at the suggestion that he clothe her when taking her out.

Notice that Miss Manners said "any lady." She is well aware that many would not only accept but suggest that he include a fur wrap in case it turns chilly. It may be that he got the idea from someone who claimed she could not afford to go out with him without his giving her a clothing allowance.

Nevertheless, the fact remains that it is an indignity that should be neither offered nor accepted. Not to mention buying wardrobes is a financially ruinous way to date.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have offended my sister-in-law by talking about my day and not asking about hers. She hung up on me because she says I do this all the time.

She is probably correct, but I am used to my other friends just telling me without being prompted. I have apologized -- to an answering machine, as she would not take my call.

How do I handle this? I feel sick she feels I don't care, and really I am just busy and was excited about my day.

GENTLE READER: Your sister-in-law has a point. Or at any rate, she did before she lost all etiquette credibility by hanging up on you. You have no idea how hard it is on Miss Manners that those interested in the advance of etiquette so often consider themselves exempt from practicing it.

In extraordinary circumstances, one can blurt out "Guess what?" and give exciting news before inquiring about the other person. To do that all the time, and never to inquire about others, is the definition of a selfish boor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was, years ago, a preschool teacher and nanny, and so am very good with children. Because I love them and miss working with them, my friends all know that if they have an emergency, or if their baby sitter cancels, they can call on me and I'm delighted to come watch the kiddies. I have no interest in being anyone's regular baby sitter; I have my own career. But it's fun to do occasionally.

Often, the people my friends are going out with will come by the house, either before or after the event. If my friends are in the room when I meet these people, it's no problem; introductions are made. More often than not, though, they're off checking on the kids, and so the guests and I meet on our own.

For me, I am meeting and chatting with friends of my friends, people I will no doubt be at a dinner party with at some point. For them, they are chatting with the hired help. Most of them aren't snobbish or anything; they are perfectly polite -- the way one should be to a friend's employee. But I can see them becoming uncomfortable when I help myself to a drink and ask them how they know our friends.

When our friends do finally reappear and introduce me (or don't, assuming I already have), their friends feel embarrassed. What can I say to people to make my position clear? Or should I just act like the employee they assume I am until an introduction can be made?

GENTLE READER: Why do you think that an introduction cannot be made when your hosts are absent?

Miss Manners realizes that things would be easier if your friends were there to say, "This is our dear friend Tori Bonnet, who rescued us when our baby sitter cancelled. She offered to stay with the children, who adore her. Isn't she wonderful? We only wish she were joining us, but unfortunately she can't do both at once."

But people who find themselves under the same roof without a host in sight are supposed to introduce themselves. You can't make it quite as glowing, but you can say, "I'm a friend of Mary's and Noah's, and I'm pinch-hitting for the baby sitter." They would then know that they should not ask you if you are free next Saturday and how much you charge by the hour.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently got involved in a difficult situation regarding my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. E-mails were written by both of us that were rude and insulting; mine more so than hers. This girl's boyfriend then e-mailed others involved and it has, of course, become entirely a mess.

I know that I cannot take back the things I said nor would I want to. I do not feel remorse over my negative opinions of her behavior. Apologizing for my behavior and my words would be false on my part and I believe would not produce any positive results.

However, this couple is now telling mutual friends that if I am going to be at social functions they will not be there and doing so in a manner that suggests the hosts should "take sides" and tell me I am not invited. This is putting hosts in very difficult positions and my boyfriend as well, since these people involved are his friends and have been for many years but they don't want me invited to their gatherings. I have no idea how to get out of this situation and would appreciate any suggestions you could give.

GENTLE READER: No, you probably won't appreciate them. You have already rejected the entire etiquette arsenal of defense mechanisms for getting out of trouble that you have gotten yourself into.

These are: showing (if not feeling) remorse, claiming that what was insulting was not really what you meant and apologizing. Oh, and flowers, but Miss Manners somehow doubts that these are what you have in mind.

By your own admission, you were rude and insulting. Although the other party doesn't sound charming either, you admit you were worse. Having offended them, you should not be surprised that they were offended. And apparently others agree.

Miss Manners is sorry, but she is fresh out of ideas about how to be rude and get away with it. Claiming identity theft?

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