Certain people, like certain wines, do not travel well. And since they may be delicious when enjoyed on their home territory, their travel companions may not find this out until it is too late to turn back.

Rather than attempting to reform the manners of people who are on vacation and therefore not paying attention, Miss Manners will attempt advance arbitration. The good travelers are to make some allowances for quirks and grumbling, if the bad travelers agree to observe some boundaries.

For example, good travelers figure out their wardrobes ahead of time, all fetchingly coordinated around one basic color, with items that can be dressed up or down for any weather or occasion. What is more, they get it all into one carry-on suitcase, leaving the outside pocket free for the one large (but paperback) book that will last them the entire vacation.

Bad travelers can't imagine what they will want to wear or read, and throw in everything they can get their hands on without having thought to clean the clothes or sample the book beforehand. The good companion does not make a fuss about this, but is not responsible for carrying the bag (although a nice companion will relent and volunteer rather than watch the bad traveler have a heart attack staggering under the resulting load).

The good traveler shows up for transportation with enough time to avoid either rushing or eating unwanted pre-trip meals just to pass the time. If the bad traveler is in the habit of cutting the time too close, the good traveler's schedule takes precedence. But a bad traveler who gets so nervous as to leave unnecessary hours ahead of time should be indulged, provided these hours occur within the day of departure. The only retaliation the good traveler takes is to point out -- once -- how unnecessary and boring it was to arrive so early.

The good traveler expects a certain amount of discomfort and inconvenience, and uses it to fashion funny stories. The bad traveler should be allowed only an occasional litany of complaints, and must otherwise be content with composing letters of outrage to those deemed responsible.

The good traveler has a general idea of how to spend the time, but is open to suggestion and serendipity. The bad traveler has a firm idea of what everyone should do to get the most out of the trip, and should be allowed to follow it without harassing others to come along.

All travelers will spend some time exclaiming over the prices, food and cleanliness of the place they are visiting. The difference is that the good traveler talks about something else every once in a while.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a recent dinner with my partner and friends, one of the friends took great umbrage that I left some rather nice Pinot in my glass -- nowhere near full, I might add. He felt this was a major breach in etiquette.

Simple me, I figured dessert and Sambuca had arrived and didn't want any more wine. Persnickety? Or bad table manners?

GENTLE READER: Never -- repeat, never -- accept etiquette instruction from someone who has his nose in your wine glass. Nor from someone whose message, however worded, amounts to "Oh, come on, another little drinkie won't hurt you." Should this happen again, Miss Manners recommends pushing the glass toward the offender and saying, "Oh, all right, you can have it."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I believe you've clarified that inedible parts of food are discreetly taken out the way they went in (fork or fingers), with the exception that, although fish is eaten with a fork, the fingers are used to remove bones from the mouth, I wonder if that applies to seeds. In particular, watermelon seeds.

Is it proper to spit out the seeds if you're at a picnic outdoors? Should you pick out as many seeds as you can before trying to eat a melon with a fork, with a spoon or like a cookie? At many of the buffets I frequent, the melon is sliced to be eaten by hand. Can I "gently spit" the seeds into my hand before depositing them on my plate? Sadly, most of the watermelons I consume are not seedless.

GENTLE READER: That's only sad if nobody ever invites you to a watermelon-spitting contest.

Until that happy time, you cannot practice spitting, even if you have not been issued any utensils with which to pick out the seeds. But perhaps Miss Manners is only quibbling over the word. You can deposit the seeds into your cupped hand, but the wind power necessary to do so must not be audible.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We invited 16 (adult) guests for a barbecue for the Fourth of July. We had hors d'oeuvres first, then I was making hamburgers and hot dogs, of course, and also ordered chicken and ribs from a local restaurant. There was plenty of food!!!

The chicken and ribs arrived about 20 minutes before I was ready to serve everything. One of my male guests came into the kitchen, went to the stove where the food was wrapped up and started picking at the chicken. I asked him if he could please wait till I was able to serve everything at once and this way we could all eat together.

He looked at me and said, "In my house, the guest is KING, and can do what they want."

Needless to say, I felt horrible, and apologized. I would always want a guest to feel comfortable in my home, yet I still felt that he was somewhat rude to keep picking at the food before I was ready to serve it. (Yes, he continued to take the chicken.) Who was right in this situation?

GENTLE READER: A less polite personage than Miss Manners would be tempted to try to exercise royal privileges at this person's house. You may be sure you would then hear no more about the guest being king. Instead, it would be "A man's home is his castle."

As with many adages, neither is quite true. Hosts are supposed to provide for the comfort of their guests, but guests are supposed to take or feign comfort in whatever is offered, however and whenever it is offered.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The warm months bring acres of exposed epidermis, including the inevitable display of body art. What is a polite person to do?

I figure that no one pays serious money to put himself or herself through all that pain (not to mention the risk of hepatitis B) without expecting to be noticed and, probably, receive comments. Yet I've noticed that some tattoo flaunters, especially women, take offense at such remarks.

Given these conditions, dare we approach these walking art galleries to offer opinions? Or should we keep silent or, perhaps, confine our observations, sotto voce, to trusted friends?

GENTLE READER: People also pay serious money to get their teeth straightened, but Miss Manners doubts that this means they want you to poke into their mouths and give your opinion.

Comments about bodies should be limited to compliments directed at those whom you know very well socially. Snickers, which are what Miss Manners gathers you are aching to deliver, must be made totally out of the hearing of the person concerned (somehow she doesn't trust your sotto voce) and to those whom you know are neither acquainted with the targets nor tattooed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have cats, but am not a "crazy cat lady." I do not have photographs of my cats, do not wear cat jewelry, do not discuss my cats. However, my having cats has, over the years, resulted in cat-themed gifts. Telling people I'm running out of room for coffee mugs has only led them to cat scarves and cat jewelry. How to respond politely when given one more cat-illustrated gift without encouraging the gift giver to continue in that vein?

GENTLE READER: By thanking the giver for the final item that finally completes your collection, and mentioning in passing that you are now considering collecting antique automobiles instead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Not very long ago, I was in a very intense 7-year relationship. It ended very badly, with blood let, so to speak, and there are still intense feelings from many of the parties involved. My daughter thought of him as a father, and his family adopted her.

When it ended, there was to be no contact with anyone, not even her. Yes, needless to say, what was love turned to hate.

I'm getting married in a year to someone I've known for a very long time, who my ex hates and blames for our ending. My question is do I need to let him and his family know in person that I am getting married? I've heard many theories on this, and would like to do the right thing.

GENTLE READER: What you do mean by "need"? Are you wondering whether there is an etiquette rule requiring brides to inform former suitors whom they hate that they are now getting married?

No, not even if they can find a politer way to phrase it than "Ha, ha, I'm marrying the guy you couldn't stand."

Miss Manners therefore presumes that you are talking about an emotional need to let this person know that you are living happily ever after, not only without him but with his enemy. She suggests being magnanimous -- and wise -- enough to squelch this.

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