DEAR MISS MANNERS: The father of my 13-year-old daughter recently had another child with another woman. He and I live next door to each other. For nine months he and his new girlfriend walked around my daughter and never told her that she was pregnant.

His girlfriend practically lives next door with him, his mother and his brother. He just came home one day with the girlfriend and a baby. My daughter was there, taking a nap. My daughter saw the baby and he still didn't say a word to her about the baby until the next day.

Now, his mother consistently calls this baby her little sister, yet the entire family hid this from my daughter for nine months. Not one family member so much as mentioned it. They see my daughter almost every day. I think it was awful not to tell her and prepare her, considering she has been an only child for 13 years.

Now the girlfriend is having a baby shower and my daughter's father asked her to attend. I think it was awful not to tell her about the baby after all this time and now he wants her to come to the baby's shower and celebrate her birth.

I also would like to know what etiquette says about having baby showers. Isn't it inappropriate to have a baby shower for a fourth child? This is the girlfriend's fourth baby by four different men. My daughter's father is the fourth father. Her children are ages 9, 3 and 1, and 3 weeks old.

I think it's pretty tacky. What do you think? Do you think I should let my daughter go to the shower and be around all of those tacky people?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners congratulates you on reducing this morass to two etiquette technicalities. Unfortunately, she fails to see how it is going to help you to have it confirmed that, strictly speaking, baby showers are supposed to be given for a first child and siblings should be informed of an imminent arrival.

You are not going to shock these people into proper behavior with such quibbles. The real issue is whether you are willing to ignore their transgressions, big and small, for the sake of letting your child have some sort of relationship with her father.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A recent dinner party guest (a new acquaintance) e-mailed me afterward to complain that she had not enjoyed the evening and that she felt efforts had not been made to include her in the conversation. Although I regret that I seem to have been neglectful as a hostess, I cannot help but feel that her complaint was incorrect -- and it's rather put me off having dinner parties. Is it ever appropriate for one to complain to one's host? And how should a host respond to such a complaint?

GENTLE READER: Oh, so that's what's happened to the thank-you letter! It survives as a performance review.

Miss Manners assures you that you do not owe this person a letter of thanks for pointing out your shortcomings. Crossing her off your guest list should be response enough. If you must get in a jibe, the way to do it is to write back saying that you are so sorry to have given her an unpleasant evening and will surely never do so again.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As executor to the estate of my recently deceased father, I have discovered some "skeletons" that were never divulged. It seems as though my father was married to another woman for several years before he divorced and was married to my mother for 25 years.

Although my mother is now deceased as well, I'm quite certain no one was ever aware of this -- leading me to believe it was his decision for this to never go public.

To throw another twist in the story, he fathered a child with his first wife. I have a biological half-sister out there somewhere.

My take on it is that the half-sister is just that -- purely biological. Although curiosity does get me a little, we share no actual past together and she may not even be aware of my father's existence. It would not be proper of me to pursue this any further. My brothers, as well, need not know anything regarding my discovery, and the papers should find the shredder.

GENTLE READER: Yours is an unpopular view nowadays, and there is much to be said for it.

And Miss Manners promises you that much will be said against it. It is commonly thought now that there should be no family secrets, and that you owe it to your siblings, both known and unknown, to disclose everything you know about the family.

However, you have been charged by your father to carry out his wishes, and it does seem clear that he did not wish his previous marriage to be known to his second family.

It is not for Miss Manners to take part in this very personal moral dilemma of yours. Some lives may have been enriched by such disclosures, and others may have been ruined. The only help she can offer is to let you know that you are not alone in thinking that discretion can be a virtue.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The daughter of a friend of mine is preparing for her marriage next June. There are all the "traditional" events: the showers, the rehearsal and dinner, the bridesmaids' luncheon, etc., ad nauseum.

However, said daughter is miffed at her mother for her refusal to attend one new event. The event? Could you possibly believe prenuptial tattoos?

I am serious. This child had invited friends and loved ones of both families to witness the application of permanent tattoos on the prospective bride and groom! (I should point out that neither family belongs to an ethnic group that has supported tattooing in any form any later than the early Iron Age.) One hopes this particular event on the nuptial calendar dies an early death.

GENTLE READER: And that the marriage lasts. Painful as the tattoo-watching party must be, Miss Manners believes that it has to be better than the party they would throw in connection with the removal.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I have gone to visit several friends in the past few months, and have found myself in search of clean linens when wishing to take a shower, none are available. When I was growing up, whenever we had guests, my parents would always make sure a clean washcloth and towel were available for each guest staying with us. I thought that providing clean linens for guests was simply common courtesy.

But having come across so many people who don't provide such a simple item to their guests, I wonder -- am I being snobby or are they being sloppy?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps discouraged by guests who steadfastly ignore the guest towels in the powder room, they have come to think that all their guests are drip-dry. Or worse.

While hosts are supposed to supply towels, you can surely assume the failure to do so was an oversight and request them. Miss Manners only hopes that you discovered the omission before you turned on the water.

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