DEAR MISS MANNERS: After retiring one evening, I was startled when my beloved wife's chilled feet instinctively burrowed into my warm back. The resulting commotion caused a bit of discussion.

My wife declared that "a real gentleman would not comment on the state of a lady's feet." While peeling myself off the ceiling and gasping for breath, I countered that such comments are inevitable.

My lovely wife argued that, as her husband, I should rescue her from her distress, and to complain about the temperature of her feet is boorish. I stated that this particular "rescuing" seems to happen on a fairly regular basis, so how can I avoid offending her sensitivities?

Can you, Miss Manners, advise us on how a "real gentleman" is supposed to act under such duress?

GENTLE READER: Your wife has lofty arguments, with which no gallant husband should disagree. But does she also have bed socks? Miss Manners suggests they would make a thoughtful present from a devoted husband who cares only for his wife's comfort.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Through reading your books, I have discovered, to my chagrin, that I have committed etiquette sins of the worst kind -- those against sensibility. I have blithely offered my honest opinions to some who did and many who didn't ask for them, thinking that it was far more virtuous to tell the truth than to tactfully dissemble.

I have received the joyful announcements of expectant friends with open dismay about raising a child in today's world.

I have hung around the bridal vestry, camera in hand, to preserve the moment for the bride -- uninvited! I have failed to attend weddings for which I accepted invitations. Not only have I attended weddings as "And Guest," I have burdened the bride with my gift at the reception. I have attended weddings dressed in black, white and red.

There were more, too many to enumerate here but equally awful.

It has been many years now that I have been a reformed human and, I hope, have avoided repetitions of my past sorry performances. But I am not exaggerating when I tell you that my past transgressions keep me awake at night. I wince at myself.

I fear that in wishing to apologize to those I have offended in the past that I may be trying to assuage my own remorse at their expense. And it may be doubly selfish because I assume that each is equally consumed with my behavior as I am. Yet I feel that it is too late or wrong to apologize. What shall I do?

GENTLE READER: Although she is always happy to hear of saved souls, you worry Miss Manners. Years of being up all night wincing cannot be good for you.

So here is how you clear your conscience without making a spectacle of your remorseful self: Write about your friends, instead of yourself. Tell them that you appreciate their friendship, including putting up with you in your more callow days.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I read a lot about religion and have become interested in a specific faith that happens to have a church near my house. I am most definitely not interested in converting to this faith as I am secure in my own, but I do find their beliefs and practices interesting for purely intellectual reasons.

I want to attend one of their Sunday services, but a friend told me it would be unspeakably rude and deceptive to do so, since I do not intend to take on their faith as my own and am no better than a "gawker." My intention is not to gawk or make a spectacle of myself of course, but merely to quietly observe the service for my own education. Do you think it would be rude and wrong to do this?

GENTLE READER: That's not gawking. Gawking is when you tap people on the shoulder while they are praying and ask them to let you by to see the paintings. Serious religion is regarded as a never-ending quest, and regular church services are considered to be open -- even welcoming -- to well-behaved visitors, as you have assured Miss Manners you will be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our daughter will graduate from high school this June. While we were discussing how she'd like to celebrate, she made it clear that she was unwilling to invite some of her close relatives as they will embarrass her.

Granted, some family members have quirks, like preaching, complaining or overeating. However, we let our daughter know EVERYONE has relatives like this and her guests wouldn't be offended in such company, thus she shouldn't be embarrassed. She maintains it would ruin her affair. In the end we told her she could have the party, but must eliminate all of that side of the family so no one member is slighted.

This has left us feeling bad. We love all of our family members, quirks and all. She says she loves them, too, just not at her party.

Family is family and all would enjoy her graduation. Please let us know if we should give in to this selfish child's desire and exclude half of the family from the celebration. At this point I feel as if we shouldn't have a gathering at all, which is a disappointment, too. What should we do?

GENTLE READER: Exclude the other half of the family.

No, wait -- your daughter did not ask Miss Manners to say that. We should all cherish our quirky relatives, not least because that is how they might define us.

It is difficult to give a party for both teenagers and adults, as they have different ideas of what constitutes a good time and different definitions of "loud." There are ceremonial occasions on which one must give such a party, and Miss Manners will unhesitatingly support you if your daughter makes the same argument in regard to her wedding.

But graduation night is best left to the (heavily supervised) young. Unless you have the room and the energy to throw, in effect, simultaneous parties that are mixed only for greetings and perhaps a celebratory toast (incidentally minimizing the time at which your daughter's friends observe her relatives' quirks), Miss Manners recommends having your family party at a different time.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of my wife's borrowed one of her formal dresses for a party last weekend. The day after, her friend called my wife and explained that she had been careful to keep it clean and was very grateful for her lending the dress. She would be by to return the dress later that day.

Shouldn't my wife's friend have had the dress cleaned prior to returning? At a minimum, shouldn't she have offered to get the dress cleaned? My wife is too kind to say anything to her friend, but I can tell it is eating her up. What should my wife have done?

GENTLE READER: Resolved never to lend this lady her handkerchief.

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