DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family was invited to an Easter party at my husband's sister's home. We agreed to bring a dish to pass. She also wanted our children to participate in an Easter egg hunt.

As we dropped off our dish-to-pass at her home, my husband was informed he'd be contributing $20 toward the entree. We were shocked!

After the meal, we were told we owed $8 for the Easter egg hunt. We paid so as not to cause trouble, but I can't believe this is proper etiquette. Where can I look for written rules spelling out if this is proper?

GENTLE READER: And how much should your relatives be charging you for Thanksgiving?

Miss Manners suggests that you not waste your time looking for this in etiquette books. How to bill your relatives for family hospitality and bring commerce home for the holidays is not a topic we cover.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am nearly alone in my political convictions within my discipline, and my professional and social lives are tightly entwined. I kept my political views pretty quiet when I entered my current situation and with many, if not most, of my colleagues I am "closeted."

Therefore, in social situations my colleagues don't realize they are in mixed company, and some of them, although they pride themselves on their open-mindedness, can be very nasty about their political opponents. I never incite political conversation, but when it occurs I usually sit through it quietly unless someone directly addresses me, and then I confess my sympathies.

The reactions are of two kinds: 1) A very awkward silence as everyone recalls the names they have, by proxy, called me, and casts about for a new subject; or 2) I am set upon by questions of the when-did-you-stop-beating-your-wife variety, with an entire roomful of people staring at me. Both are hideous. Unfortunately, it's inevitable; not every conversation can be deflected to reality television.

How should I deal with the reaction, and am I justified in being a little put out with those who do know my political beliefs and say nothing in my defense? I am (supposedly) very close friends with some of them, and I feel they are leaving me out in the cold. I don't think something along the lines of "Aren't you exaggerating a little? I certainly don't think my friend here is a fascist!" is too much to ask.

GENTLE READER: Sure it is. As you have noticed, Miss Manners has enough trouble trying to get people to talk civilly to and about their opponents without asking them to defend the other side.

You need not do that, either, if you prefer not to get into political debate that is characterized by the mutual respect that allows people to consider one another's views. When invective is being spread, you might say, "If you will excuse me, I believe it is time for the Loyal Opposition to withdraw from this discussion."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a tactful way of getting an e-mail correspondent to stop forwarding long, irrelevant e-mail messages?

You probably know what I mean. Sometimes the messages are cutesy, humorous pieces, sometimes religious or moral messages, sometimes medical "advice." Each forwarded message has as many as 40 addressees.

I met the correspondent online in the course of researching my family history when we learned we seem to have a common ancestor or two. We traded what information we had and she added some interesting insights, but in between messages about our common interest -- genealogy -- she peppers me (and her 39 other correspondents) with forwarded e-mail that is totally unrelated to our common interest. Some of the forwarded medical advice proved to be downright wrong.

I don't want to break off our correspondence altogether -- she seems an interesting person -- but four or more utterly irrelevant messages in a single day is too much. What should I do?

P.S. If you don't know what sort of messages I'm referring to, I'll forward you a few.

GENTLE READER: No, no, please! Anything but that!

Please just let Miss Manners answer your question and get back to work. When she was finally persuaded to trade in her quill for a computer on the argument that it might be faster, she forgot to allow for the hours spent on the Augean chore of cleaning out her e-mailbox of just the sort of thing you describe. And worse.

An offender whose personal correspondence you like should be told that as you don't read mass messages, you are afraid of deleting her real messages along with the numerous other jokes and advice for which you unfortunately do not have time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I read that when one is invited to the White House, one must go, even if one must cancel a previous engagement. This seems both rude and un-American. And what if one does not like or approve of the current occupants of the White House, and even questions their right to live there and issue invitations?

GENTLE READER: The pro-American explanation is that the White House does not belong to any of its occupants, but to the citizens, who retain the power to evict any tenant. Miss Manners would add that, as any of us can grow up to be president, it is a bad idea to suggest that it can be a patriotic duty to show disrespect for the office of the presidency.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been told that, when a (heterosexual) couple is invited to dinner, the written thank you note must properly come from the woman, not the man. Is this true? How about wedding gifts -- must the thank you note come from the bride, not the groom?

GENTLE READER: If you know someone who is willing to assume the task of writing graceful letters of thanks on your behalf, Miss Manners suggests marrying that person immediately, and not quarreling over other attributes.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I have been feuding over whether it is appropriate to smell food at the dinner table. I believe that it is rude and strange to act like a dog and smell one's own food at a nice restaurant. Please help me settle this.

GENTLE READER: Does he run around the table several times before settling down? Does he put his nose in his plate? This would suggest to Miss Manners that you might attend to his identity problems before his table manners. Or reconsider your own social life.

Actually, there is nothing wrong with human beings enjoying the smells of good food. There is just something very wrong with their being caught with their noses down or their mouths open. The correct posture is with the head thrown back to catch odors wafting in the air, murmuring a discreet "Mmmm" from behind closed lips.

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