DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is the correct form of address for a female U.S. President "Ms. President" or "Madame President"?
GENTLE READER: Neither. It is Madam President. Miss Manners hopes this will be useful to you, and, sooner rather than later, to the nation.
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: This June, my wife will give birth to our first child. Since we are both women, the baby was conceived thanks to an anonymous male donor whose genetic material we purchased. Though we hope this gentleman will agree to have contact with our child when s/he turns 18, this is not guaranteed, and in fact it is unlikely that they will ever meet.
Many female couples we know report being asked by unwitting (or perhaps unthinking) persons, "Where is Daddy?" While their various responses to this question are ... creative, we are not sure they are correct. I imagine this is also a concern, to a lesser degree, for some single or divorced moms. We'd like to find the appropriate response(s) to this question both for us as parents and for our future child, who will no doubt be asked the same thing, perhaps by peers.
GENTLE READER: Less and less, is Miss Manners' guess. With so many single mothers around, and double mothers becoming less of a novelty, it is the children of traditional couples who are going to be asked, "Who is that man at your house?"
In your case, and that of single mothers, you need only say, "We are not in touch with him. Adelaide and I are her only parents."
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was in my late teens, I had occasion to take a bus with my father to attend a social event to which my mother was unable to come. We were sitting near an older couple, the feminine half of which began giving me a constant, deliberate, nasty glare.
As I was dressed and was acting in an unremarkable manner, the only thing I could guess might elicit such a nasty look was that she thought I was stepping out with a married older man. So, when addressing my father, I took every opportunity to use the word "Dad," so that she might hear and be comforted, yet the woman's nasty glance at me did not abate. (Perhaps she thought I was faking it?)
Miss Manners, what should I have done in this situation? It was quite discomfiting. Should I have spoken to her directly and asked her if there was something wrong, or if I was in some way offending her?
Quite frankly, I thought it appalling to contemplate that a teen could not innocently go out in public with a parent of the opposite gender without someone coming to the wrong -- and totally unjustified -- conclusion, and if that was her thought I would have loved to say so politely. Or is her looking daggers at me simply her problem, for whatever reason, and I should just dismiss it?
GENTLE READER: You've been brooding about this dirty look for a long time, haven't you? And you share with the dirty looker the fact that you are only guessing what was happening.
Miss Manners suggests that you forget about it. Even if you guessed right, the person in question would long since have gotten her comeuppance. If she spread the story around, as scandalmongers cannot help doing, she would have eventually encountered someone who knew otherwise. The new story going around would then be about her scandalous mind.
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one react to one of the people who has changed their name to "Lord Smith" or "Lady Jones" by paying money?
They seriously expect to be addressed as "My lord," or even "My noble lord," when they have, in fact, no more right to be addressed so than I.
I am quite happy to accord them the respect due to them as fellow humans, and be courteous and polite, and I have no problem addressing "real" lords, dukes, earls and princes with the titles they are accorded by tradition, but I absolutely refuse to accord the same traditional forms of address to people who were not either born into a title or were awarded it by the English House of Lords as a non-hereditary peerage.
I happen not to agree with hereditary titles in general, but having met several lords, a duke and a prince, I will treat them according to tradition until this changes. Am I allowed to say, "A lord -- really! Of where?" and follow with, "Oh, you mean like 'Duke' Ellington?" or does that not meet with Miss Manners' approbation?
GENTLE READER: Feeling as you do, how can you resist the temptation to address them by these titles? Miss Manners would have thought you would relish every opportunity to declare, "Oh, yes, m'lady! You are too kind, m'lord!" and so on, bowing and scraping as you go.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee and I recently booked the date for our wedding. After much deliberation we opted to have our wedding on Sept. 11, 2004.
Obviously, this date arouses emotions in all Americans. We've only been engaged three weeks, and already we have encountered several snide remarks or curious reactions upon sharing our decided date with others.
We are looking for a way to recognize the emotional relevance of this day and also let our guests know that we have certainly not forgotten what took place just three years ago. However, we would also like to separate those emotions from this joyous occasion. Is there a way (a few suggestions would be great) that we can acknowledge the obvious gray cloud without taking away from the joy of our wedding?
GENTLE READER: Have you put down a deposit?
Life goes on, Miss Manners understands, and there are only so many Saturday nights. Still, people are raw on that date not only with remembered grief, but with fear of repeated terrorism. And unlike, for example, Pearl Harbor Day, it is the date itself -- which would be your wedding anniversary -- for which the event is named.
It is true that weddings are held during times of national and even personal tragedy suffered by the principals. In the latter case, the ceremony is held without accompanying parties.
Miss Manners would not expect you to be that subdued, but a passing mention of the attack is not quite enough. This is a time when you should be especially aware that wedding ceremonies should always be solemn, and that awareness of life's being for better and for worse is central.
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