DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems my friends are quite willing to meet for lunch, or to do something specific, but I have no luck at all in getting them simply to "visit."

"Visiting" used to be a popular way to see and hear about your friends. It was certainly superior to a telephone call or today's e-mail. Not all of my friends have hectic lives. And I am an interesting person and a very good listener. (I am a retired psychologist.) Do you have any suggestions as to how to encourage the lost art of visiting?

GENTLE READER: Mention the refreshments. Tea, drinks, coffee, popcorn, dessert -- Miss Manners doesn't care what, and neither do your guests. But these are the words we now use to delineate the routine of the short one-on-one visit, which guests need to know.

The old-fashioned "visit" of which you speak had a strict form, with a 15-minute limitation. It survives only in the hospital visit, where your guests ought to know that they should not prolong the stay or help themselves to the chocolates you have been sent.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please advise my daughter on how to respond to adults who ask her nosy and/or personal questions, such as what her dress size is, what she made on the SAT, and what colleges she is applying to.

These individuals have no interest other than to compare my daughter to their children. They would never pose such questions to another adult. They only ask my daughter such things when I am not around. My daughter doesn't want to say, "That's personal." Nor does she want to lie.

I instructed her to say that she did well and, if pressed, to say that she does not remember her scores (they were excellent). Or, to tell them that her mom said that she could not reveal her scores. What does a young lady say to a nosy adult?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners believes that young ladies should appear modest and differential to adults. It sets them a good example. You might therefore suggest that she look at the floor for a minute and then fix her interlocutors with a steady eye as she says, "I'm a little shy. You go first. What's your dress size? What was your grade point average?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I quit my job a few years ago my mother gave me some good advice: "Make sure you fill up your time with things YOU want to do, otherwise people will fill up your time for you." I planned a nice schedule that includes all the things I love: keeping my home neat, volunteering at my children's school, studying martial arts, heading the children's organization at my church.

Even with all these activities, I still find myself with at least 3 or 4 free hours a day. My friends, neighbors, and family are aware that I have this free time. They all have opinions on how I should use this free time, and are constantly calling to ask me to take someone dinner, serve on this or that committee, teach a lesson in church, baby-sit their children, etc.

I don't want to do these things! I have chosen some wonderful activities for myself, including several that serve the community, and I don't want to take on any more.

Miss Manners, how do I politely tell them "no"? The usual phrase, "I'm afraid I'm not available," is obviously not true -- all these people know that I have lots of free time.

GENTLE READER: If having free time made a lady available to anyone who asked for a favor, there would be no respectable ladies left. Miss Manners wonders that there are (aren't there?), considering how often even wise mothers, such as yours, neglect to teach the ability to say "no" politely.

"I'm afraid I'm not available" is true, and you should be saying it with conviction. Stating what you are doing then is unnecessary and unwise, as it opens you to debate. Should anyone be so rude as to inquire, you may truthfully say, "I'm terribly busy then," without specifying that you will be busy relaxing.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In this election year, I am struck by a barrier to participation in the world's most famous democracy -- that being Americans' reluctance to consider political discourse to be polite conversation.

In most parts of the world, it might be considered far more engaging dinner conversation to contrast the qualities of candidates for office than, say, to discuss the less savory sorts of reality television.

I find the rigor with which reasoned political discourse -- or even discussion of complex news topics -- is quashed as if it's a threat to future generation's participation in our communities. I certainly grew up with animated (but cordial) political discussion in many formal and informal venues.

Yet broach the subject of an election at most dinner tables or cocktail parties and it's as though you were discussing something shameful or utterly beyond proper behavior. My European friends are actually shocked at the lack of casual discourse on political matters here, and frankly so am I.

Could you please elaborate as to the proper place of free speech in mixed company?

GENTLE READER: You mean people of mixed political opinions, who are going to feel free to say what they think about the morals and intelligence of people who disagree with them about politics (or sex or religion, which are also banned from the dinner table)?

Miss Manners suggests you try bringing up a topic from each of these areas -- for example, the death penalty, same-sex marriage, or abortion -- and see how much polite, cordial and reasoned discourse you provoke.

She would be only too happy to welcome the return of substantive conversation at dinner parties; goodness knows she is weary of hearing people talk about the food. But conversation requires listening respectfully to others and engaging in polite give-and-take, rather than making speeches and imputing others' motives and judgment.

Unless you are sure you are among those who know how to express their opinions politely and listen to others' respectfully, Miss Manners suggests you be grateful for those discussions of reality television.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it bad manners to wear my gloves during church service during the "greeting time," when the members of the congregation are expected to shake hands with each other, and during the "closing song," when we are expected to hold hands with the persons closest to us as we sing?

I'm embarrassed because my hands feel so cold, and on cold days I can't seem to warm them up before I have to touch other people's hands. I've already checked with my doctor about my condition. He says I don't have a circulation problem.

GENTLE READER: Good, and Miss Manners isn't congratulating you only on your health. Church manners, which pre-date both central heating and physical demonstrations of fellowship, are on your side. So are social manners, which require only gentlemen, but not ladies, to remove their gloves before shaking hands.

What you cannot do is to say, "Pardon my glove," a statement that etiquette has always considered hilariously vulgar for reasons Miss Manners forgets. However, a whispered "Cold hands" should placate anyone who seems offended, rather than grateful, to be holding your glove.

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