DEAR MISS MANNERS: In this election year, I am struck by a barrier to participation in the world's most famous democracy -- that being Americans' reluctance to consider political discourse to be polite conversation.

In most parts of the world, it might be considered far more engaging dinner conversation to contrast the qualities of candidates for office than, say, to discuss the less savory sorts of reality television.

I find the rigor with which reasoned political discourse -- or even discussion of complex news topics -- is quashed as if it's a threat to future generation's participation in our communities. I certainly grew up with animated (but cordial) political discussion in many formal and informal venues.

Yet broach the subject of an election at most dinner tables or cocktail parties and it's as though you were discussing something shameful or utterly beyond proper behavior. My European friends are actually shocked at the lack of casual discourse on political matters here, and frankly so am I.

Could you please elaborate as to the proper place of free speech in mixed company?

GENTLE READER: You mean people of mixed political opinions, who are going to feel free to say what they think about the morals and intelligence of people who disagree with them about politics (or sex or religion, which are also banned from the dinner table)?

Miss Manners suggests you try bringing up a topic from each of these areas -- for example, the death penalty, same-sex marriage, or abortion -- and see how much polite, cordial and reasoned discourse you provoke.

She would be only too happy to welcome the return of substantive conversation at dinner parties; goodness knows she is weary of hearing people talk about the food. But conversation requires listening respectfully to others and engaging in polite give-and-take, rather than making speeches and imputing others' motives and judgment.

Unless you are sure you are among those who know how to express their opinions politely and listen to others' respectfully, Miss Manners suggests you be grateful for those discussions of reality television.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it bad manners to wear my gloves during church service during the "greeting time," when the members of the congregation are expected to shake hands with each other, and during the "closing song," when we are expected to hold hands with the persons closest to us as we sing?

I'm embarrassed because my hands feel so cold, and on cold days I can't seem to warm them up before I have to touch other people's hands. I've already checked with my doctor about my condition. He says I don't have a circulation problem.

GENTLE READER: Good, and Miss Manners isn't congratulating you only on your health. Church manners, which pre-date both central heating and physical demonstrations of fellowship, are on your side. So are social manners, which require only gentlemen, but not ladies, to remove their gloves before shaking hands.

What you cannot do is to say, "Pardon my glove," a statement that etiquette has always considered hilariously vulgar for reasons Miss Manners forgets. However, a whispered "Cold hands" should placate anyone who seems offended, rather than grateful, to be holding your glove.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one deal with a "hot flash" in public? I have an attractive fan that I carry, preferring it to whatever piece of paper lies closest at hand, but is a fan obvious in an inappropriate way? Sometimes, dabbing my face discreetly with a pretty little linen handkerchief just isn't enough!

GENTLE READER: Then Miss Manners suggests confessing that you have the vapors, and holding the back of your hand to your forehead while saying, "Oh, dear, I feel one of my spells coming on."

This will give you a reputation for having a delicate sensibility, not a bad reputation to have in these vulgar times. It will also enable you to fall back on a sofa, steady yourself on the arm of the nearest gentleman or otherwise make yourself more comfortable.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one respond when a gentleman whom one has been dating for seven months says "I love you," and one does not feel ready to respond in kind? He is smart, funny, kind and handsome and I greatly enjoy his company, but saying "I love you" feels too soon at this stage. I really like him, but I'm not sure that I "love" him. I usually respond "Thank you," "I like you" or with a big hug, but I wonder if there is a better way to respond.

GENTLE READER: Usually? How many of these paragons do you have?

There is no better way to divest yourself of a suitor than to respond perfectly politely to his declaration of passion. The days when a lady could get away with protesting, "This is so sudden -- I had no idea you felt that way -- you've thrown me into such a state of confusion that I don't know how I feel" are past.

But as Miss Manners comes to think of it, why should they be over? This statement is charming, contains no promises and allows the gentleman the satisfaction of seeing that his declaration has stirred the lady's emotions. This is an excellent way to buy time with a gentleman who is smart, funny, kind, handsome and good company and may also turn out to be loveable.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a new position with a very small company, four employees including myself, and am learning the office procedures along with the likes and dislikes of the female franchise owner. I sit at the front desk and visitors who come into the office are not able to see me unless I stand up or they walk up to the very high podium that I unintentionally hide behind.

When a male client came into the office to speak to the owner, they were both standing in front of me at the podium talking. The owner introduced me to the client and I offered a handshake as friendly response. When the male client left the office, my female boss told me that I should have also stood up to shake his hand so that he wouldn't have to reach over the high podium.

I responded that a lady never stands up when introduced to a gentleman, and also it is the lady who decides whether or not she is going to offer her hand.

Is this a right assumption about office etiquette on my part? I added the hand offering to let her know I wasn't being rude by not standing up. If so, how do I respond to her statement, "That's right, but while in my office I want you stand up when I introduce you to someone."

What is the proper office etiquette when meeting someone new? What is your opinion of a boss who makes this request to an employee?

GENTLE READER: That she understands business better than her employee. And that she is the boss. Miss Manners counts two reasons that you should not attempt to lower the standard of courtesy your boss requires.

A third is that you are mistaken. The manners you cite are traditional social manners, unrelated to business, where your status is defined by your job, not your gender. Rising to greet visitors is a proper show of deference, especially when you are the person up front and they would otherwise be confronted with a massive piece of furniture and a mysterious presence lurking behind it.

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