DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a very popular local public figure. We are often invited to spend the evening with people whom we do not like and with whom we do not want to spend time, but whom we don't want to offend.

These are people we know slightly, but have never invited to our house and never will, and they often live more than an hour's drive away. They call and mention several suggested dates up to two months in the future and we say we are "already busy" for all of those dates, explaining that my husband must go out for business reasons almost every night (hint! hint!).

They then say, "So when are you available during the next year? You name the date."

How do we decline these invitations without offending them? Or, if there's no way other than to offend them, what's the least offensive way?

My husband wants to "get sick" at the last minute, but the one time we did that they cancelled the entire dinner and immediately made the same offer for the next calendar year. We can't say, "We don't go out in the evening," because they know we do. What we want to do is stay home alone together in our jammies and slippers with a takeout pizza without having to smile and remember names and make small talk. Help!

GENTLE READER: George Washington's solution to this problem was to declare that being president made him so much in demand socially that he was granting himself and his successors an exemption from the general obligation of paying visits.

No one else is likely to get away with admitting to being so popular, and, as Miss Manners recalls, there was quite a bit of grumbling at the time about just who President Washington thought he was. Canceling after accepting and skittering around about finding dates are only going to raise this question about your husband.

But if it is unseemly to confess that you cannot satisfy the social hopes of all your admirers, it can be endearing to confess that you share most people's difficulty in performing all your more personal social duties. Your answer to when you will be available should be "You're so kind to invite us, and we wish we could name a date, but it will have to be after we figure out how to manage seeing relatives and friends whom we feel we've neglected."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After my mother passed away, my father remarried when I was 18 and in college. My relationship with his wife has always been fine, but I never considered her my mother in any way, and have always let Mother's Day pass unacknowledged.

However, I recently learned that my two older siblings have acknowledged the occasion with cards (we all live out of state). I know you won't tell me to send a store-bought card, but should I be writing a personal note or making a special call? Should what my brother and sister are doing affect my judgment on this? I don't want it to appear as if I'm some kind of holdout or have animosity, but the fact is, she's not my mother.

GENTLE READER: No, but since she is your father's wife and you are on cordial terms, you should occasionally express your affectionate regard.

The occasion need not be Mother's Day. Her birthday, their wedding anniversary and holidays are such times, and doing so on no particular occasion is especially charming.

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At the behest of a French gastronomic consortium, the Vatican was rumored to be considering removing gluttony from the list of the Seven (formerly Deadly, now Venial) Sins.

That's the good news, said a gentleman of Miss Manners' acquaintance. "The bad news," he said, "is that cheese is going on."

Quite apart from the context of Church doctrine, strange things have long been happening to the entire list for some time, Miss Manners has noticed. The popular moral tab rates all seven on a scale from respectable to admirable.

Avarice is the national sport, with its competition for how much money people can make and how many things they can buy, and Envy keeps score and urges people on.

Sloth had a triumph when technology enabled workers to play games and exchange gossip while appearing to be hard at work on their computers.

Pride scored an even bigger victory when it was put on the school curriculum, self-esteem having come to be identified as a prerequisite for achievement rather than a result of it.

Wrath defeated civility itself, so that concern for humanity could be invoked as an excuse for treating people badly.

And as for lust ...

In comparison, overeating seems harmless enough. It is possible to chomp away quietly, without taunting or cheating others, presuming one does not empty the platter before it has been passed all the way around the table.

The etiquette danger, at any rate, is more likely to come nowadays from those who pay careful attention to what they eat and also to what everybody else eats. (See Wrath, above.)

If Gluttony is excessive attention to food and drink, negative attention should qualify, too. In a society where everyone is either overweight or a picky eater, maintaining gluttony as a sin would require locking everyone up in their own dining rooms.

Those dining rooms are empty enough for the purpose, because they have become the last places that any such sins would be committed. Eat in the dining room? Isn't that what we have sidewalks, kitchens, offices, bedrooms, stores, media rooms, classes, movies and cars for?

Without presuming that we can abolish sin, either by refraining from practicing it or by declaring it a virtue, Miss Manners thinks we would be better off to return to the dining room for regular meals.

For one thing, gluttons and everyone else might learn how to eat properly, which is to say without revolting others. Nightly parental instruction helps, but the most effective method consists of the vivid impressions that siblings perform of one another's eating methods. The family dinner table is also where the art of conversation is learned, beginning with the pretense that you are just as interested in hearing what other people have been doing and thinking as you are in talking.

As a bonus, it is possible that if people get used to eating at given times in the company of others, they will become less anxiously focused on food.

They might even learn to enjoy it more. As Miss Manners recalls about another of the sins, nobody disapproved of its providing pleasure as long as it was done properly at home, and not in the streets.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a college student, about to graduate and get out in the workforce. I have heard and seen that most people choose to dress conservatively at an interview. How conservative should I go? Am I allowed to wear a pantsuit or is the skirt suit the only choice for me?

I don't like conservatism in general and I like to be able to show a touch of my personality and style in the way I dress.

What would you mostly recommend for college females ready to get out into the real world? Is this the time when dressing conservatively is the ultimate best choice?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hopes it doesn't disappoint you to hear that pantsuits are no longer considered cutting edge. Female senators wear them to work.

The rule about interviews is to dress for the job you want. Perhaps there are fields in which college students are sought for their personalities and style, in which case you would do well to exhibit yours. For prospective employers who hire people for their skills or industry, however, this might be a sign that you are more interested in displaying yourself than in fitting in.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend is having her second child, and her family decided not to have a baby shower for her since she "just had one" (two and a half years ago) and they didn't think it was appropriate to ask people to give again. I could tell she felt bad about this, and since she is having a girl this time, I willingly offered to hold "something small" for her.

Well, we are now planning this thing and it's gotten out of hand. She registered at baby stores yesterday, and the guest list is up to 18! She made several menu suggestions and told me what flavor cake she wants and where to buy it! I told her that I had planned on baking the cake myself. (I've been asked to do birthday cakes for several of my friend's children's birthdays, so I'm kind of getting into it.)

I told her privately that my initial intention was to do something small and intimate, maybe a private luncheon at a quaint local spot. She suggested that everyone pay for their own meal at a restaurant. I explained to her that this was my gift to her, I wanted to do it and that I would be paying for it.

The next day, she added three people to the list. Furthermore, her mother, who didn't want to give the shower in the first place, has invited four people and had to be consulted on the date and time!

My family and I just moved into a larger house and we tend to be generous with our friends. I think she's getting the impression that we have a lot of money and can afford it and that it's no big deal. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of!

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is beginning to understand why someone who has given one shower for this lady refuses to give another. It's too bad you found this out too late.

But perhaps it is not too late. If the invitations have not gone out, you should inform her that you can either do a small luncheon or a larger tea, and that if neither suits her, you will not feel hurt if she cancels the event.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My oldest daughter is graduating from college, and we are having a small family lunch after the ceremony. I was wondering if it is OK to send formal announcements about her graduation without inviting everyone to the lunch. We are so proud of her and just wanted to let people know what she has accomplished. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Parental pride is a lovely thing, but correspondence involves two people, so it is not only your reaction to your daughter's graduation that Miss Manners needs to know.

What is your best guess as to the reaction of each person to whom you propose sending an announcement? If it is "Oh, my, Kristin is graduating from college already, how wonderful," by all means send an announcement. But don't if it might be "She already told us, so why is she sending this?" or "Do we know this kid?"

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