Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a material girl who appreciates many of the finer things in life. I was raised by wealthy parents who taught me to only have the best. Therefore, I wear designer clothes, attend the theater and symphony regularly, and only travel first-class on airplanes.

When I started dating my boyfriend one year ago, I was informed that he had a very similar childhood. Our families were supposedly very much the same. He made a point of telling me repeatedly that he made a lot of money and liked to have a good time with it. He wanted to spoil me.

My boyfriend and I are very much in love. We have a wonderful time together and have many of the same goals in life.

The problem is that he is what I consider a "cheapskate." I bought him a very lavish Christmas gift. He purchased me a nice watch and a few other nice things. This may sound hideous, but I totaled up the cost of my Christmas gifts. It was less than half of what I spent on him.

I know that feelings cannot be "totaled up" with a monetary value. However, I feel like I may be signing myself away to a lifetime of coupon clipping and two-for-one dinners.

His cheap behavior is something that has been instilled in him from a very young age. For his birthday, his parents took us to dinner. It was him, me, his two brothers and their significant others seated around a bowl of spaghetti and a pizza at a family-style restaurant. I did not dare order a drink or ask for more food -- even though I had to eat dinner when I returned home that night. I thanked his parents for a lovely evening and sent a thank-you card for their generosity a couple of days later.

I would like to know how I should approach the subject of his cheapness. Even if you advise me to wipe away the tears I cry with my Armani dress as I whine.

GENTLE READER: Wipe away, because Miss Manners is sorry to inform you that this would be a most unsuitable marriage. Your backgrounds are far too different.

Love has been known to overcome vast differences of incomes. Even differences of goals may be rendered compatible. But not basic differences in manners. A marriage between someone who was brought up with a major sense of entitlement and someone who was reared on the modest code of simplicity is doomed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response when a store employee asks how you're doing? Should you respond and then ask them how they are? Or just respond? Or just get on with the task at hand? Does it make a difference if the employee is a cashier vs. a floor person, or if there's a line?

GENTLE READER: It depends on how you are doing.

If the answer is fine, say so and move on. Such questions are greetings, not conversation openers. However, if the answer is that you are going nuts trying to find where the socks are hidden, Miss Manners suggests that you speak up, although in more polite terms.

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(EDITORS CQ the term ‘friend egg’ in the second letter of this column.)

Perhaps only someone who has escaped seeing any of the so-called reality programs on television can have something good to say about them. Others are much too busy managing the double burden of denouncing them and watching them.

The attraction, Miss Manners has been told, is in observing other people humiliating themselves. Oh, well -- anything for a good time.

As everyone knows, whatever the premise such a show might have, its setup is designed to ensure that nearly all of the people involved expose their greed, romantic desperation and/or inability to cope. And heaven knows what they expose in the untelevised competitions to be allowed on the shows.

Miss Manners is therefore an unlikely candidate to point out that reality shows could be useful. She is, after all, in the business of helping people avoid causing embarrassment to themselves and others.

But mind you, these people are seeking out embarrassment. They are volunteers. One might say that in agreeing to the terms of these shows, they have taken care to not have any dignity left to lose. Of course it is rude to set traps, but when the traps are clearly marked, one can hardly stop people from marching determinedly into them.

Miss Manners can therefore spare herself cringing at their fate. But neither does she derive pleasurable relief from seeing others held up to public ridicule. It even shocks her when people seek to comfort those in trouble by saying, "You'll be happy to know that so-and-so has the same problem."

For those who do indulge in schadenfreude, these are good times. There are ample opportunities to see the rich ducking as they are led off to jail and the powerful squirming as they are questioned under oath. The heroes and heroines of storybook romances recount in detail how unhappily they lived ever after.

But amid the glee, people should be able to discern some primitive moral lessons. Such as "Maybe it's not a good idea to embezzle, because you could get caught" and "Lies that were clever enough to work for an extended time may trip you up long after you think you got away with them."

Reality shows provide similar lessons in manners for those who are able -- or directed -- to find them. Noticing how awful people look when they fail to clothe their normal but selfish desires with some decency, and how they inspire dislike and ridicule in others, should be useful.

Miss Manners has never held with those who believe that it is the responsibility of the entertainment industry to teach children etiquette by providing examples of perfect behavior. She especially dislikes it when parents, teachers and members of the clergy try to shift this important job of theirs over to athletes and actors.

Besides, not even Miss Manners would find it entertaining to watch drama that lacks conflict because everyone is behaving so well. But when television takes over the job of providing bad examples that the responsible can use as teaching tools, it knows what it is doing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is the proper way to cut a friend egg using a knife and fork or just a fork? The knife seems like overkill to me.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is in the habit of tactfully correcting typing errors, but she couldn't bear to change "friend" to "fried." It sounds like such a pleasant way to start the day. Well, not knifing a friend, exactly, but being greeted by a friendly egg.

Even a hostile egg should not be attacked with a knife, however. Since the passing of the days when people did most of their eating with knives (fastidiously wiping off blood stains left over from hunting first), it has been the rule to use knives as little as possible, certainly not with anything so pliant as an egg.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am expecting my first child, but I have been informed by a knowledgeable acquaintance that because I am an unmarried woman I should not send out birth announcements when the baby arrives. This is because, I guess, my situation is too shameful to be broadcast to my friends and family. Many of them already know, but perhaps they've been too kind to say anything.

This acquaintance also let me know that women in my condition do not get baby showers (really, I wasn't expecting a shower -- a relative with small children has generously given me more baby things than I need).

I replied, "That's very interesting. Thank you."

I live in a liberal area, so my condition doesn't seem all that exceptional to me. Am I out of touch with the rest of the country's mores? Have I utterly disgraced myself? (I admit that part of me is looking for approval here, but part of me genuinely wants to know, so I can start working on the appropriate facial expressions.)

May I send out birth announcements when the baby arrives (it will be soon), or do I truly risk offending people with my brazen unmarried-motherhood? As a side question, more than one person has commented on my future child's "illegitimacy." I have responded with a joking "Hey, if anyone is illegitimate here, it's me; let's not insult the baby!" Do you have a better response?

GENTLE READER: As there are two parts of you, Miss Manners will address them separately. One part might be happier about that than the other.

The purpose of birth announcements is to announce the birth. (That needs to be said because there are those who believe that the purpose -- probably of the birth, as well as of the announcement -- is to extract presents.) So of course you should announce the birth to anyone you think will be interested. Or perhaps to anyone you think will be not just interested, but pleased.

That brings us to the part of you looking for approval. Don't.

To do so is to acknowledge that others are invited to give their opinions -- and you have already answered your question about whether mores have changed to the point that you can expect everyone's opinion to be favorable.

What you should expect is tolerance, and you are quite right to be insulted when you are the target of mean remarks.

The reply to such is a frosty "How kind of you to point that out."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please tell me if wedding veils are appropriate only under certain circumstances? There seem to be two extreme rules of thought on this issue. One is that it's "my day" and I should do and wear whatever I want, and the other is that a veil is a traditional garment suggestive of the bride's purity. I fear that if I honor either of those philosophies in full, I will look foolish.

GENTLE READER: As brides who believe that they can do whatever they want are pure nuisances, these rules cancel each other out. Miss Manners only recognizes the rule that wedding veils must be worn with wedding dresses. They look silly with blue jeans.

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