DEAR MISS MANNERS: My younger brother recently announced his engagement to a girl he met two months ago (she's 19, he's 22). He's never met her family, and she's never met ours.

The thing that worries me (and everyone I've talked to, including my parents) is that when he called to ask her father for permission to marry her, Mr. Future-Father-in-Law said he required three or more letters of reference before he'd consent.

My brother says that her father is joking but serious at the same time, and that he really does want the recommendations. Her mother even said the letters would be on display at the reception so guests could read them.

My side of the family agrees that this is completely tacky, but my brother refuses to listen. Is it customary (or even polite) to ask a future son-in-law for letters of reference? If not, what's the best course of action?

GENTLE READER: First is for your family to stop sneering at a parent for wanting to know something about the stranger his teen-age daughter has agreed to marry although she hardly knows him herself. The business term "letter of reference" and the threat to display proof of respectability may be jokes, but the need to know something about him is serious and responsible.

Next is to initiate an acquaintance with the bride's parents. This is the duty of the prospective bridegroom's parents when an engagement occurs, and Miss Manners is sure that you would not want them to think you are so tacky as to be ignorant of that rule.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have lost 50 pounds, so it is obvious to people that I am watching what I eat. The personal questions that I get asked are a whole other subject!

I know that when people have food to share, it is polite to offer it to you. I feel that it is rude when I have to say "no" more than two times (I really do not like to say it more than once, but I have to be patient), and I have heard from others that people will act insulted if you refuse their dish, like when people bring cakes and cookies into work.

What is the proper response to a food pusher to let them know that I am strong about my response? What is the proper number of times to offer treats to someone? I speak for many dieters who do not feel they have to tell someone that they are watching what they eat.

GENTLE READER: The proper response is "No, thank you," and you keep saying it until people take no (thank you) for an answer. Miss Manners urges you to repeat it in full confidence that the rudeness here is neither in offering food nor in refusing it, but in pushing it.

That this is a problem in your office astonishes Miss Manners. Every other office in America issues complaints about someone who gobbles more than their fair share of the communal snacks.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my drawing class, a few ladies in the class approached the nude model (yes, he was still naked at the time) and commented to him on how their abilities could not "do him justice."

This struck me as being rather improper, even though their intent was to pay a compliment.

What is the protocol in such a situation? When the drawing is not taking place, should one not acknowledge the existence of a naked man in the room unless he specifically addresses you? After the class was over, he passed by me on the street and I wasn't sure if giving him a quiet nod of recognition was appropriate, so I just acted as if I had not recognized him at all. Was this wrong?

GENTLE READER: On two counts. Your classmates should not be making personal remarks to a gentleman who is working, not to mention naked, and he may be assumed to be on duty until he is robed. You, however, should not snub a professional contact encountered outside of work.

Miss Manners dearly hopes that the gentleman assumes that you are nearsighted, rather than that in studying him you had failed to notice his face.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received several e-mails (as one of over 50 people on the address list of family, friends, neighbors and co-workers) during a friend's admission to the hospital and through her labor. I assume the expectant father had a laptop at the hospital.

I read more details than I cared to know, and I just about got ill when the e-mail regarding the mother's delivery mentioned that she was doing well but suffered a vaginal tear and episiotomy.

Whatever happened to the long-awaited phone call stating "It's a boy"?

The baby and mother are home and doing well, and I am very happy for them and their family and share in the excitement -- but now we receive weekly e-mails with pictures to be downloaded. This is a special time in their lives, I know, but I think that the new parents might want to cool it.

I hope that people will think about what they are sharing with the world before they click the "address book" button and send personal information to their entire mailing list. Our mothers' custom of sending out birth announcements via snail-mail was a nicer touch than these mass-produced communications, and I prefer getting an annual card with a picture of the kids instead of weekly downloads. Am I just being too prudish and old-fashioned?

GENTLE READER: Here's what happened to "It's a boy": They already told you. Don't you remember, weeks ago, receiving an e-mail with a prenatal picture pointing out the telltale sign?

Miss Manners trusts you have resisted the temptation to go along with the idea of sharing personal information by e-mailing back a picture of your physical symptoms when you saw their picture.

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Bashfully modest though she is, Miss Manners cannot help being aware that her appearance creates suspicion among those charged with spotting the criminal element.

Would an honest person wear gloves when it's not cold? Would a patriotic citizen move through airport crowds neither shoving ahead nor declaring "I'm in a hurry!" to those who presumably flock there only for the amenities?

Miss Manners is therefore personally familiar with the airport security search. In what could become a dangerous precedent, she is beginning to associate the adventure of travel with removing items of clothing in public.

But if it no longer seems odd to hand over her shoes to strangers, a habit she tries to keep in check when riding the subway, Miss Manners cannot accustom herself to impoliteness. The least people can do when they want to handle one's person is to ask nicely.

And so they do -- at least in her experience, and at least so far -- under the new federalized system. She awaits any less sanguine reports from others before conceding that the politeness she encountered might have been unintentional.

As it happened, when the changing of the guards was occurring, Miss Manners was gadding about more than usual (and more than what is sensible). She noticed that behavior had also changed. Although she had occasionally encountered politeness in those performing the security-check job before, they seemed to be acting out of personal, rather than professional, courtesy.

To command attention and move people along, the new security squad has learned substitute phrases for "You! Over here!" These include "Good morning, ma'am, could you step this way, please?" and "Sir, there's a shorter line over there."

She noticed that when they asked the rhetorical question, "May I search your bag?" they went through the ceremony of appearing to wait for an answer. Searches were conducted with as much dignity as the situation permitted.

"Please" accompanied the instructions, making them sound more like directions than orders. Accommodations were made to enable those being searched to monitor the progression of their belongings through scanning machines and further searches.

Most surprising to Miss Manners was the soothing patter accompanying the process by which one is revealed to be a treasure-trove of hidden metals. "It's probably the backing on your buttons," was the innocent explanation offered by the guard who administered the search. "I'm only going to touch you with the back of my hand, and I'll tell you each time before I do so." She was as good as her word, and said "Thank you" when she had to let Miss Manners go for lack of incriminating evidence. (It was the buttons.)

This is a higher standard than is maintained by another profession that handles people for what they profess is their own good. Medical manners require the same perfunctory requests for permission and running explanations, but this is not widely known because it is so rarely practiced.

For that matter, all those who deal with the public, even if legally required to keep their hands to themselves, need to learn that polite patter and soothing tone. Not only does it make a cumbersome necessity less unpleasant, but it speeds things up. It takes less time to be polite than to subdue someone who is rapidly moving from irate to irrational.

If the government has mastered the skill of teaching this to some of its employees, it should teach it to them all, and make the techniques available to the business world.

Then it could turn its attention to teaching its employees to repack luggage without making such a mess.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother is a widow of five years and is just now starting to date again. I'm naturally very happy for her. In our weekly phone conversations, she goes on at length about her wonderful (and sometimes humorous) dates.

The fact that I am gay was a bitter pill for my mother to take, and to this day she very strictly does not want to talk with me about that aspect of my life. It is hurtful for me to hear my mother talk about her dating life so enthusiastically, when I am not able to talk about my dating life with her. Is there any way to approach this topic without hurting my mother's feelings? GENTLE READER: Miss Manners recommends showing too much interest in your mother's dates, asking her how late she's staying out, whether she kisses on the first date, and so on.

When she gets fed up, you can then say, "Oh, I thought you wanted me to be the parent now -- the one whose own love life is not open to discussion, but who's allowed to interfere in yours."

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