DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please explain the rules regarding the holding open of elevator doors while would-be passengers hurl themselves across the lobby, shouting, "Hold the elevator"?

I am talking specifically of a 6-story building with a bank of 3 elevators, so it's not as if another one wouldn't soon be available to any people who miss the elevator in which I'm trying to ride. Why, indeed, would these people then feel that their time is more valuable than mine, and that I should wait with the "doors open" button pressed, for them to arrive into the elevator car?

Typically, I press down on the Door Close button and pretend to be oblivious to their requests. This usually works, and I can ride the elevator in peace, but a co-worker of mine considers this frightfully rude.

GENTLE READER: It is. Whatever the reality of the situation, people think of elevators as they do romances. They can tell themselves that it is not a tragedy to miss one, because another will be there soon, but when they have begged and yet been deserted, that sequel seems sadly problematical.

If you must continue to slam the doors in your neighbors' or colleagues' faces, Miss Manners requests you to shoot a frantically helpless look at whoever is left behind, telegraphing that you are not swift enough to locate the Door Open button in time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Must tradition dictate what is good manners and what is not? Tradition dictates that British barristers wear white wigs. And that is fine and is good manners for them. (But, as I recall, there is a movement afoot to change that.)

It seems to me that there are times when that which tradition calls good manners and what is common sense do not go together and is wasteful.

For example:

"No menu, no carry-out." That's what my wife and son say about my asking for a container to take home good food I can't consume at our "formal" dinners. By formal I mean suit and neckties for the men, and maybe long gowns for the ladies.

These dinners are in large hotel ballrooms, and we have as many as 500 attending. When we pay $45 per ticket and a serving of delicious steak covers half a plate, it really pains me to think of sending half or more of it back into the trash. (Unserved food in the kitchen is donated to good causes, but not food from used plates.)

So why is it wrong to ask for a carry-out box and have two or more good meals later at home? All such institutions have stacks of these containers as a matter of daily business. OK, I could take a sealable plastic bag the size of my side pocket and unobtrusively take care of it myself. How about that?

GENTLE READER: You made a tactical error here in discounting tradition, Miss Manners is afraid. Ancient tradition would have been on your side. At Roman banquets, guests were given the extra food to take home.

That is fine for them, as you graciously concede about those wigs, although it would be unnerving to encounter a bewigged official in an American courtroom. Context counts.

It is also fine for you to request the leftovers when you are buying yourself dinner out. It is when you are out socially that you are supposed to pretend that the food is so much less important than present company that you don't dwell on its future.

Besides, your wife does not want to dance with someone who has a soggy pocket.

:

Before water got so full of itself, it was a great little social mixer. With a history dating from ancient times when villagers would mingle by the well, it delighted in providing simple ways to foster sociability.

Hobos (as the geographically mobile homeless were called) could open a request for assistance from housewives (as geographically stranded working women were called) with a modest and undeniable plea for a glass of water.

Office workers could refresh themselves with gossip, complaints and jokes around the water cooler.

Children could stave off bedtime by the transparent but effective demand for a glass of water.

Things have changed, Miss Manners has observed. The need for water is recognized as being more important than ever, but the sociability that went along with it has vanished.

Fearfulness about crime has barred doors to strangers. Of old, the homeowners were aware that granting a request for water would lead to other demands, but they may not have had so vivid an idea as what those might be.

The water-cooler has lost its appeal now that people can gossip more comfortably by e-mail and take their breaks by playing computer games, both activities being less visible to supervisors than grouping together.

And any self-respecting child, indeed any self-respecting citizen, now carries around his own water bottle.

The effects are not all as beneficial as water would like to pretend. And it has become nothing if not pretentious.

Adopting the snobbishness of wine and the importance of medicine, all water thinks of itself as holy water. As it splashes around, it is creating etiquette problems.

"On two occasions, while attending church service, I saw people taking a couple of sips from their sport bottles," reports one Gentle Reader. "Is this acceptable?"

"As with many people," announces another, "I frequently carry my own store-bought water (both abroad and in the States). At a restaurant where we were having lunch, I refilled my water glass from my own water bottle. My brother found this to be extremely rude, while I found it a very practical solution to being thirsty. I should add that the water provided by the restaurant was at a fee. Was this indeed rude and cheap of me?"

Yet another Gentle Reader complains, "An uncomfortable situation arises if I am in the car, where I keep a bottle of water (I am in the habit of carrying drinking water with me wherever I go) or on an outing with small children whose parents invariably haven't bothered to think about drinking water. When they see me drinking, they begin complaining that they're thirsty.

"I seem to get sick often enough as it is, without 'help' from other people, and am fastidious about others not drinking from my bottle. On the other hand, I feel badly about being the cause of an unhappy child. Occasionally, the parents are miffed at my refusal when they ask if their little ones can share my water. Is there a tactful way out of this situation?"

The way out of all these problems is the realization that none of this involves administering water on an emergency basis to the critically parched. You may drink more water than you used to because it is good for you, and you may find it convenient to have your favorite brand on hand, but this does not wash out the basic restrictions on eating and drinking:

You do not take refreshment during church services or on other solemn or formal occasions.

When you go to a restaurant, you buy its wares, rather than bringing your own (unless there is a policy allowing that, inevitably accompanied by a corking fee).

When you are out with other people, you do not take refreshment unless you have some to offer them, too.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What would you do if you received minimal "RSVP's" to an upcoming party you were hosting? It seems pretty rude to not even respond to an invite, but do you track everyone down?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, you have to, unless you want a lot of leftovers or a lot of hungry guests. If it were Miss Manners, she would hang onto the list of people who needed prodding. It will serve as an invaluable reminder, for the next party, of whom not to invite.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is a minor point of place setting that I have been wondering about for some time now. The blade of the knife faces the plate in a properly laid place setting. Why?

With an asymmetrical silver pattern, the knife handle would look wrong if the blade faced the spoon, of course, but with a symmetrical pattern it would hardly be noticeable.

GENTLE READER: Minor? Pointing knives at the dinner table?

Have you not noticed that when you are busy with your food, tossing off careless remarks that someone might take amiss, everybody around you is armed?

Cardinal Richelieu certainly noticed. He is said to be responsible for the ruling that the tips of all knives brought to the table must be blunted. Ostensibly, this was to discourage diners from using their knives to pick their teeth, but there had been more than a few problem with diners picking on one another. Keeping the sharp part pointed toward yourself is the least you can do as a show of faith that no matter how provocative, boring or disgusting your fellow diners may turn out to be, you, at least, are willing to let them live until dessert.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in a family disaster. Prior to my sister's 50th birthday, I had her for dinner and asked when can we celebrate her birthday. She said she did not want a party, she was going on a three-week vacation, and we could celebrate when she got back. I have a beautiful gold bracelet I want to give her.

In the meantime, my husband and I made a commitment to go to dinner and theater for a friend's birthday two weeks later. Three days before, my mom frantically called, saying she forgot to make reservations for my sister's birthday, and could we make it on that date.

I said I couldn't, but I called my sister, apologized, and asked if we could take her out another night.

Well, my sister refused to go any night, ever, detailing what a terrible a person I was. She recalled, "You scared me at night so I couldn't sleep at 5 years old, you forced me into the deep end of the swimming pool when I was only 7 years old, you did X...when I was 9, you did Y when I was 11, You...Z when I was 13..." and so on, implying that I have always selfishly mistreated her. She accused me of purposely planning not to go to her dinner with our parents. Then she hung up on me.

This incident will live on forever in my sister's mind. I have written to her both apologizing and inviting her to an elegant dinner at a five-star hotel. I love my sister. How do I get out of this mess?

GENTLE READER: Just send her the bracelet and stop worrying about it.

Miss Manners doesn't expect your sister to dissolve in gratitude; people who keep decades-old accounts of their grievances will always declare reasons for citing them. As there is nothing else you can do to derail this, at least you will know that you have been generous as well as reasonable.

: