DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am planning a wedding, and my husband-to-be would like his "Best Man" to be a woman. I have read that this is perfectly acceptable, however, I can not seem to find what we would call her in the program. Best Woman? Best Person? These just do not sound quite right! Help!

GENTLE READER: Best friend, and please put your hair back. You are going to need it to pin your veil on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My question relates to how a professional should deal with clients who do not have good manners. I am an attorney. Since 1998, I have represented a company in a litigation matter that is still ongoing. At times, I have had almost daily dealings with Ms. X., my client contact; at other times, we can go for several weeks without contact.

Recently, I read that this same client was sued in a matter unrelated to the litigation I am handling for it, but in an area where I have extensive experience for other clients. I called Ms. X and left a detailed voice mail asking her to call me, at her convenience, so that we could discuss the matter. The next day, I followed up with an e-mail in which I listed my qualifications in this area and the qualifications of other members of my firm to assist the client in this new matter.

I also asked her to let me know, one way or the other, whether this was something she would be interested in discussing with me. After three more days, I followed up with a phone call and left a message with Ms. X.'s secretary asking Ms. X to call me about the new litigation.

A couple of weeks later, I called Ms. X to discuss a matter in the case I am handling. When we had finished discussing that matter, she quickly said, "Oh, on that other matter, sorry I never got back to you, I've just been swamped."

In response, all I said was, "Have you been too busy to retain counsel?" She then told me that she had retained other counsel.

One of my partners told me that my response was inappropriate, that I should have said something like, "Oh that's OK" in response to her statement that she was very busy. I obviously disagree, since I do not think it was OK.

Granted, all of my calls were part of an effort to persuade Ms. X to hire me to handle the new litigation, but I still think it is rude to ignore professional phone calls, and that she should have returned my call even if it was simply to thank me for my interest and then inform me that the company had already retained other counsel. Moreover, I do not consider her uttering the word "sorry" to be an apology, so I don't think I was under any compulsion to accept this non-heartfelt apology.

Was I wrong? And, although I do not think it matters, Ms. X has never informed me that she was displeased with how I have handled the ongoing litigation. (My position is that, even if she was displeased, she still should have had the common courtesy to return my phone calls.)

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners trusts that you are one of those rare lawyers who immediately returns all telephone calls and would never dream of keeping a client waiting.

But, are you also so meticulous in responding to solicitations to purchase something?

In such cases, the understanding is that the target responds if interested. If you use an existing social or business relationship to embarrass the person into giving your offer special consideration, you have to allow for the fact that the person will, in fact, be embarrassed.

Sometimes such a person is embarrassed into saying yes when the answer would otherwise have been no; other times, as is the case here, the target simply hides. Your continuing to pursue the matter when the client was obviously not interested sounds to Miss Manners remarkably like hounding.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I am out strolling with my adopted 21-month-old son, I am periodically stopped by strangers who comment on how beautiful he is. My instinct is to thank them, simply because my son is not yet in a position to do likewise. At the same time, the "thank you" rings a little hollow in my ear since I am in no way responsible for his looks.

Perhaps I am mistaken here, but it seems to me that when we compliment a child's looks, we are also paying an implicit compliment to the biological parents who made those looks possible. An adoptive parent can have no share in such a commendation.

Is it appropriate, then, to say thank you? Or, should I behave in the manner of a disinterested bystander? "By golly, you're right!" seems even less appropriate than "thank you."

GENTLE READER: You will soon be responsible for your son's looks, in that as soon as he is able to understand what you are saying, he will look mighty embarrassed.

Weighing offhand compliments to make scrupulously sure that the credit goes where it is due is a tedious enough practice in itself, bound to alert people who are trying to be nice that it is not worth the effort.

It is more offensive when you consider foregoing ordinary maternal pride to maintain the point that your son is adopted. Strangers whose compliments do not provoke the customary response will simply conclude that you are rude, but your son will understand that you are distancing yourself from him.

For heaven's sake, just say "thank you." If someone happens to remark that you are looking good, do you feel obliged to defer to your ancestors?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When one is arriving slightly late to a performance and is admitted during the overture, and then has to travel to seats in the center of a row, is it less rude to whisper apologies to each person one passes, which takes longer and makes more noise, or simply to move as quickly as possible to minimize the disruption and hope that one's body language conveys apology?

Also, because I was admitted at the rear doors and after the lights went down, I was granted my own light-wielding usher, who held his free arm out to me. I felt that I did, indeed, have some need for a guiding arm, so I took it -- whereupon he dropped my arm as if it were a wet codfish and seemed badly startled. Did I presume, or did he err?

I am, of course, aware that ideally one should not be late to the ballet. That is my new main goal in life.

GENTLE READER: And a noble goal it is, too. Should you falter, Miss Manners would suggest watching from the back of the theater until the overture is finished, as there is often a pause for latecomers.

This is for the sake not only of other patrons and your oddly flustered usher, but your own. As you should not whisper during the music and you should face away from those seated when passing them, Miss Manners cannot imagine what it would take to convey your apologies through body language in the dark. Ballet itself is a simple skill in comparison.

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"Someday, when you're a mother yourself, you'll understand."

Or, as the traditional, benign, maternal curse was phrased when delivered to Miss Manners' own dear mamma by that lady's own dear mamma, "I don't wish you any ill. I only hope that someday you have a daughter like yourself."

As a believer in the softening effect of the life cycle, Miss Manners is dismayed when she sees this natural course spinning in a contrary direction. Not long ago, she delivered herself of the opinion that young mothers who chastise their own mothers for recklessly endangering the next generation with their ignorance of child-rearing are themselves neglecting an essential element of child-rearing. Surely it is in their interest to set their children an example of how to treat aging parents.

Some of those mothers disagreed. The peril to their own children from these ignorant grandmothers is simply too imminent to be ignored, they shot back.

Miss Manners capitulated immediately. Yes, yes, the grandmothers have to use the car seat, no matter how foolish they think it to be, and no, they can't smoke in the nursery, no matter how many babies seemed to thrived on this. Some rules change, and everyone is expected to learn and obey them. Miss Manners is afraid that there is no grandmother clause that exempts those who brought up children successfully before the rules were promulgated.

And, some rules will never change. Parents who fail to teach their children such basic rules of society as saying hello, eating properly and thanking their grandparents for presents cannot justify themselves by declaring that they consider such matters unimportant.

Yet there are dicier issues between the generations. A Gentle Reader who promises "not to overreact to the holding of the baby, the white bread, and the cookie, and to teach the children about forks and thank you letters" asks, "What is a mother to do when the issues over which the generations differ are graver ones?

"I refer to prejudices about people of other races or sexual leanings, and the willingness to express these prejudices in a coarse and tasteless fashion. I do not want my children to learn these beliefs, and I do not want them to think that even if they do learn some of them, that it is acceptable to express them by epithets or with vulgar so-called humor.

"There is also the corresponding issue, a belief that certain children, that is to say, boys, need to be 'toughened up' so that they become 'men' and not persons harboring any of those objectionable sexual leanings. I don't think it's realistic to expect to mold children in this way (in whichever direction). I just don't want my sons badgered and possibly taught a lot of obnoxious behaviors for the sake of becoming 'real men.'

"What do they think they're going to grow up to be, anyway -- giraffes?"

No, but not ostriches, either.

As unfortunate as it is to have such influences within the family, Miss Manners considers it an effective opportunity for parents to teach their own morals and behavioral rules. Their explanations will be more deeply impressive than if the children are protected from opposition or hear it only from outsiders who can be easily dismissed. At the same time, the situation requires teaching and setting the difficult example of showing love and respect for people with whom one has such profound disagreements.

And at the risk of seeming to use the disallowed grandmother argument, Miss Manners notices that this Gentle Reader grew up to disdain prejudice herself, in spite of having been exposed to it as a child.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is going to graduate from high school soon, so I'm in the process of sending out announcements. My dilemma -- do I send one to my boss? I don't want to make him think he should buy a gift or send money, but he does know that my son is graduating, and I certainly don't want to insult him.

GENTLE READER: An announcement is not is an insult. It is not even, as greedy and greed-conscious people seem to believe, a bill in disguise, requiring that the recipient pay the sender for getting on with his life.

Miss Manners assures you that whatever others may think, an announcement is -- surprise, surprise -- an announcement. Its purpose is to inform recipients of something they presumably would be interested to know (and should indicate being pleased to hear, regardless of whether they are, by offering congratulations).

If your boss already knows that your son is graduating from high school, what do you imagine is the purpose of announcing it to him?

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