The urge to monogram anything that doesn't move is delightfully genteel, Miss Manners has always thought. What a pretty picture it is to think of all those nice young ladies spending their teen-age years flashing their needles as they put their own marks on the linens they will use after they marry.

The process has been somewhat speeded up, she has been given to understand. Young ladies who are flashing needles are now clapped into rehab, while others may be flashing something else. She has even heard tell that young ladies do not wait as long as they are supposed to in order to leave marks on linens.

Nevertheless, monogramming is still popular and perhaps even more useful.

For old traditionalists, waking up in monogrammed bed linen provides a clue to their identity. For nontraditionalists, Miss Manners supposes that it provides a clue as to the identity of anyone else in the immediate vicinity. This is not a perfect system, as monograms on sheets and blanket covers on a well-made bed would be upside down from the point of view of the sleeper, but it is better than asking.

Monograms on silver have the advantages of enabling the owners to identify any wandering forks they might re-encounter at the police station or on the dinner table of a former guest. These should also happily remind one of the ancestor who bequeathed them, either to oneself or to the intermediary owner who turned them in for cash via the antiques market.

Kindly souls who wipe away the tears of others, and unkindly souls, who cause tears in others, should have monogrammed handkerchiefs to hand over. This brings some dash to a situation otherwise lacking it. It also creates an emotional sequel, as the easily identifiable handkerchief remains with the sufferer. Should it be returned (duly laundered) with apologies and gratitude, a lachrymose combination that could start the cycle again? Or should it be kept as a souvenir?

Other good candidates for monogramming are paper, shirts, luggage, towels, the linings of coats and apparently just about anything else that will hold still long enough. Miss Manners has seen catalogues offering monogrammed chewing gum containers.

Perhaps she should set some limits.

Shall we say that there should be no more than one set of monograms visible at a time? So if you monogram the towels, you don't monogram the bathmat and the shower curtain and trace your initials on the steamed-up bathroom mirror. And if you monogram your shirt cuffs, you can't also have monograms on the cufflinks.

Household linens may be monogrammed with the maiden initials of the lady of the house, a custom dating from premarital monogramming that serves equally well for serial marriages. Couples who are tempted to entwine their initials should try to get it out of their system by carving their names together on a tree.

The standard style has the initial of the surname in the middle and the given names on either side, but this should not be attempted by those who have four or more initials. It is equally correct to put the surname larger on the right with preceding initials in a tower to the left, or to crowd them all into a little block, or to pile them on top of one another as if you were typing them and the keys had jammed.

They don't even have to be easily decipherable. However, the look of long hairs disappearing down the drain is not a happy one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My older brother does not leave the house. He sleeps on the couch until after two in the afternoon. When he is awake, he finds it necessary to dominate anything that is going on. I find it impossible to find peace at home under these circumstances. I love my brother and do not want to be rude. What must I do?

GENTLE READER: Two things:

1. Refrain from saying, "Get a life!"

2. Help him get a life.

Miss Manners does not normally sully herself by digging around for root causes of rudeness. It would be pointless, as she doesn't accept them as excuses anyway. But even she recognizes that a young man who does nothing but stay home and nap is not a likely candidate for etiquette improvement.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Part of my job is to educate patients about caring for their own health. This country is experiencing a shortage of health care resources, and too many people use the ER as a family doctor, surrogate parent or hotel.

I make every effort to appreciate each person's circumstances and not condescend to anyone. However, listening to complaints about waiting too long for care -- when the patient's actions have often led to their condition and they take no responsibility for this or for using the ER inappropriately -- is a burden.

Regardless, we must be polite. The last thing we want is for anyone to feel unwelcome and not seek our help in an emergency. Of course, patients in doubt should come in to be seen. However, patients who have a cold or toothache would find continuity of care and less waiting time seeing a family doctor or at a walk-in clinic, freeing up the ER staff for critical patients.

Would you please suggest how these messages can be phrased in the most effective way?

1. Everyone is responsible for his or her own health. One cannot expect the doctor to override an unhealthy lifestyle.

2. The doctor prescribes treatment solely for the patient's benefit. Patients who don't follow their treatment can expect to stay sick.

3. The ER is for emergencies. Nonemergency patients are asked to be patient and to use their family doctor whenever possible. We'll help them find a doctor if needed.

4. Seeking treatment early on, before a problem gets serious, is always preferred, and does not make the patient a wimp.

5. Patients should ask questions until they understand what is going on. I'd rather spend five minutes on that today, instead of having them get worse later.

6. If an antibiotic is inappropriate, please don't think I'm uncaring. We have big problems caused by giving them when they're not necessary. I will give you other forms of treatment that will be more effective.

7. Car accident patients need not worry about appearing unclean. However, before coming in for a toothache (lasting all week) please make yourself presentable.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two disturbing situations have come up in my singles group, which meets for breakfast every Saturday at a local restaurant. When I became a single person, I found that there aren't a whole lot of singles groups in my area.

Firstly, even though the group has elected officers, Mr. X, who founded the group, likes to run things and is often critical of activities being discussed. Secondly, there is an individual, Mr. Y, who likes to discuss his passion with everyone, whether they are interested or not. The situation could be avoided until recently, when our president resigned and Mr. Y took over the office. He now includes his personal life as part of the business meeting.

Also, Mr. Y heard some of us talking during our meal about how to make our group more inviting to visitors. Mr. Y singled out one woman and told her to shut up. After the meeting we tried to tell Mr. Y he was out of line and he got really irrational. Things are to the point where some of us (four of us wrote this letter) are thinking about resigning or starting our own group.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has the idea that the Messrs. X and Y do not limit their enthusiasm for joining and running organizations to your singles club. Just about every social, charitable, political, school, garden and neighborhood group she knows has a bossy Mr. X and a blabby Mr. Y who heap tedium and annoyance on people who only want to accomplish the business of the group in peace.

This situation will stir some people up to devise a plot to overthrow the offensive regime. If the organization is a venerable one, that may be worth the effort, although it occupies even more time and often obsesses the revolutionaries until they become as bossy and blabby as their opponents.

Others will resign, either quietly or noisily, to join other groups, or forget the whole idea, or, as you suggest, start a new group.

Why do you hesitate to do this? Isn't the whole idea to meet new people? Besides which, it is a stunningly bad idea to be in a singles group with unattractive people.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited by a friend for a week's visit, and I was brought up to believe that I was obligated to bring my host a gift or present them with a monetary appreciation of my stay. (When I invite someone, I expect no kind of payment or reward.)

Upon leaving, I presented my friend with a $200 check and her daughter, who lives with her, with a $100 check. I overheard her say to her daughter, "We made out pretty good at this didn't we?"

Since I had paid for every dinner of mine when we went out to eat, I thought this remark rude and crude and not the attitude of a true friend. Since then, I have not visited them.

Do you think I am justified in feeling offended? Is it a usual practice or courtesy to pay for a visit to family or friends?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is very sorry to tell you that it is you who caused the offense. She is even sorrier that she is about to cause some herself by casting aspersions on the rule by which you were brought up. She is emboldened to do so because you already suspect that there is a better way than the one you were taught, which is why you offer your own hospitality freely.

Generosity in offering hospitality is a hallmark of civilization. To pay a friend or relative money as compensation for visiting is an insult, which is why gratitude must be expressed through the indirect means of bringing or sending a present, taking them out (not just paying your own way), and, of course, reciprocating the invitation. You should be relieved that instead of turning huffy, your friend turned it into a joke.

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