DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was brought up in a home where I was expected to dress appropriately for special occasions, especially the holidays. My husband's family dresses far more casual and rarely goes beyond jeans. I have heard comments through the years about my clothes, appearance, etc., and have preferred to ignore them because I feel it's their problem and not mine.

However, they have now started to make comments to my daughter, which is where I feel they have stepped over the line.

My brother-in-law and his wife come in from out of state every Thanksgiving and Christmas and usually stay with us. During the course of a conversation, they asked my daughter if she shopped at a certain retailer, and she said no. My sister-in-law then made a comment that my daughter only wears a certain designer. (She has one T-shirt.)

I thought this was a very snide comment, especially coming from an adult. It upset my daughter, who felt she was being chastised. When this same couple showed up for Thanksgiving dinner in warm-up suits, none of us commented on their attire.

Another relative on my husband's side also made comments about how she can't believe our daughter is interested in clothes. (She's in the fifth grade.) Frankly, I don't know why she would even care. I am tired of tolerating this rudeness, especially when it comes from guests whom I have fed and housed for several days. How do you suggest handling future remarks?

GENTLE READER: By teaching your daughter to reply to general comments with a bland, "Thank you, you look very nice, too." The greatest protection against verbal sniping is a demonstration that it failed to hit the target, so Miss Manners considers this a valuable skill for her to learn.

The advanced course is to ask questions that display the fact that the sniper is more concerned with the subject than is the intended target. If your daughter has an interest in drama, she could have fun replying to the mention of her supposedly favorite designer with, "Who? How do you spell that? How can you tell who designed my T-shirt? Oh, you mean the name here is the signature of the designer? How interesting."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Help! Now that I've written all the Christmas cards for my single friends, I'm at a standstill. How should one write the address for a couple when you really know only the woman and not her husband? Does "Mary and Milton Moore" look too gauche on the envelope? Or would "Milton and Mary Moore" be acceptable? (Most people I know do not use their title unless trying to get a dinner reservation.)

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has had occasion before to muse that if it were not for overbooked restaurants, there would be no incentive at all for learning proper behavior.

Oddly enough, she thinks it is even more important to treat your friends with dignity. Your exact relationship may affect what you call them in the letter, but it has nothing to do with how you address the envelope, which is for public view and should include whatever titles they use for their restaurant reservations.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Never did I imagine that I would live to see the day that I would be invited to Thanksgiving at the home of an out-of-town acquaintance and arrive bearing a turkey and wine, only to be abandoned in the early afternoon of the holiday, while my hosts answered a better dinner offer, which kept them away until almost 11 p.m. without so much as a phone call, let alone a formal apology.

Yet this is exactly what I endured. The pretense was that they were stopping in at a friend's for an hour or two to give their regards -- much, it seems to me, like a teen-age girl who receives a last-minute invitation to the prom from the football quarterback and leaves her original date standing at her front door holding a corsage.

It was overhearing them gripe that I had the temerity to take home some of the leftover bird, as well as my remaining bottle of wine (which, I might add, was a gracious, and not inexpensive, gift from my own family, and which I subsequently offered my friend after he came to stay at my home in the days immediately following the holiday) that makes this one for the record books. I can only assume that they wanted to reciprocate their own dinner hosts for their generosity and were bitter that this might necessitate their dipping into their own reserves, now that the sucker had wised up.

Nevertheless, I am aware that two wrongs do not make a right. Did I indeed make an etiquette faux pas? Was I wrong thinking one needn't extend absurd gratitude for the equivalent of a backhanded slap across the face?

GENTLE READER: Right you are: Two wrongs don't make a right. They just give rude people material with which to be even ruder. Miss Manners assures you that these people are running around saying, "We stepped out for just a minute, and she went off in a huff with her turkey bones under one arm and her bottle under the other."

And you missed the opportunity to go home while they were out, leaving a note saying, "Thank you for giving me a great Thanksgiving."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are in our late 60s, a widower and a widow who just got married, and we both have married children and grandchildren. Please address blended family signatures on cards to blended family members. What is the proper way to sign cards for the married children and grandchildren each of us have? Love, Mom and Dad? Love, Grandma and Grandpa?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has the impression that you care more that your titles match each other than that they match what your various relatives call you. She puts this down to your being newlyweds and considers it all very sweet.

However, it might startle middle-aged people who had not thought of the newcomer as "Mom" or "Dad," however pleased they may have been at the marriage. And it might puzzle grandchildren who have a hard enough time as it is distinguishing one pair of grandparents from the other. If such is the case, you should sign "Love, Mom and Terence," or "Love, Grandpa and Grandma-Jenny."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On September 11, the whole world fell apart. Members of my family had to walk from Manhattan across the bridge to get home to Brooklyn. The next day I was still told to have a nice day. This time I asked, "Do you really think I can have a nice day following what happened?" All I got was a silly stare.

Miss Manners: How can we stop this kind of meaningless invitation? I realize it has become so entrenched it is automatic. Even the bus driver says it to each passenger as we get out. No, I do not say thank you. Anyway, what is a nice day? The weather?

GENTLE READER: A nice day for Miss Manners would be one in which people realize that there is enough hatred in the world without their taking umbrage at perfectly harmless and routine expressions of good will.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are in our mid-40s and resigned to the fact that we will not have children. We are content with that, have become accustomed to caring for each other and have never discussed adoption.

My only and older brother, who is in his early 50s, has a new fiancee in her mid-40's who is expecting twins and has hinted to my wife that we will be asked and expected to be godparents, though my brother has not mentioned this to me. He and I are fairly close, as is our family, and everyone is beaming at the prospect of children finally arriving in our family.

However, my wife and I don't think that we want to assume the responsibility of being godparents, partially out of not knowing what to do and the level of commitment involved. What happens if, heaven forbid, misfortune should occur, my dear brother and his fiancee don't remain together, or even get married for that matter? We don't see ourselves as parents at this stage of our lives, and my wife has seen many women come into and depart my brother's intimate social circles, so she isn't confident that he'll properly carry his weight or remain committed to a marriage or a child, let alone two. We don't want to become the babysitters or chaperons for the children when their parents' agenda warrants.

On the other hand, we don't want to be viewed as inconsiderate, insensitive or lacking familial courtesies or deference. What should we do to continue showing our love, and keep the peace and our reputations intact?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners will refrain from asking whether you realize that your inexperience with children doesn't matter, that it may be making you unduly apprehensive, and that most people find it a tremendous joy to have such a connection to the next generation. She just wants you to know that she is finding it a strain.

That said, you may decline graciously if you acknowledge the fact that the offer is a great honor and that you are declining because you will not be able to do justice to the position, although you will look forward to having a close avuncular relationship with both children.

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